Category: Essay 1 Feedback

Monroe’s feedback

Triston,

Nice first draft.  There’s several conflicts here, the first of which is balancing sports and academics; and then the second, more fundamental, challenge is struggling with “laziness and procrastination” (as you put it).  I’ve made some notes above where you could expand this draft.  But also consider expanding this essay so that it shows us more about WHY you think you were “lazy” and “procrastinating” too much.  If you were bored in class, SHOW us how/why.  If you were more excited by hanging out with friends, SHOW us how/why.  If you were more excited by football, the internet, whatever, SHOW us more of this so that we can understand better how you found yourself in such a difficult position in high school

Thanks!

M

My feedback:

Nice draft, Clemson. Some of your language is movingly poetic. As far as your narrative goes, this seems to be an essay about a couple different—although related—issues right now. There is your own experience of depression, which you introduce in the beginning. Then there is your experience of loss which takes place when two celebrities (or well-known people) who you care for take their own lives. I wonder if it’s possible to go back over the essay and do some re-writing so that it’s intentionally focused on one of these issues. If you choose to focus on your own experience of depression, you might want to include more details about how you found yourself feeling so down. I get that the losses of Chester and Etika have something to do with this, but you might want to consider other experiences you had that are relevant as well.

Thanks for this brave work about a very important topic.

–Monroe