Feedback for Triston Brown (including Monroe’s feedback)

Monroe’s feedback


Nice first draft.  There’s several conflicts here, the first of which is balancing sports and academics; and then the second, more fundamental, challenge is struggling with “laziness and procrastination” (as you put it).  I’ve made some notes above where you could expand this draft.  But also consider expanding this essay so that it shows us more about WHY you think you were “lazy” and “procrastinating” too much.  If you were bored in class, SHOW us how/why.  If you were more excited by hanging out with friends, SHOW us how/why.  If you were more excited by football, the internet, whatever, SHOW us more of this so that we can understand better how you found yourself in such a difficult position in high school



15 thoughts on “Feedback for Triston Brown (including Monroe’s feedback)”

  1. I liked your essay, I think it was very detailed. I liked how you included everything that happened even the little details like when your coach pulled you into the office and told you that you weren’t allowed to play because you were failing 4 classes.  Towards the end of you essay it began to sound a little repetitive. Maybe that’s something you can look out for in your future essays.

  2. I like the lesson you got out of your experience and how you learned from this. You had a few grammatical errors, and I feel like you were being a little repetitive. Your essay was very detailed but I feel like you’re explaining the story too much instead I think you should include more details on how hard you worked  to be able to graduate on time and how this made you feel.

  3. I liked your essay because it has a lot of details. Also the lesson experience you learned from it was very interesting. Something you could improve is fix some grammar.

  4. I liked your essay and I really like how you kept each even organize from elementary school to senior year. it was good that you gave a explanation about that the issue before get into details about you life in school. I think you can add what will and what can cause you to stop this bad habit and how can you remind yourself that you can’t do things, you can add how you will handle future situations that mad occur.

  5. I find your essay relatable because I tend be lazy and procrastinate way more than I’m suppose to; One of the tings I liked the most about your essay is the structure and overall organization of your paragraphs, you made sure they wouldn’t clash together which is a good thing. However, I feel like you can add more detail so your essay won’t seem repetitive.

  6. I really liked your essay. It was very relatable. I liked the details you added. I like how you discussed your elementary, middle school, and high school experiences and struggles. Something you can work on is adding what made you lazy and procrastinate throughout your school years.

  7. I liked your essay because it has a lot of details and also the lesson experience you learned from it was very interesting. something you could improve is fix some grammar you had a few grammatical errors, and I feel like you were being a little repetitive, but I think is good essay.

  8. I liked your essay because of how detailed it was.  Something you can do to improve your essay is check for grammar errors.  Other than that it was well written good job.

  9. I like how in your essay you spoke about the struggles you had with mainting sports and academics, I love how there was a wide variety of details.there were a few grammar errors that could be worked on

  10. This obstacle was interesting to hear about and it was also very relatable. I think your essay had a good organization and it flowed well. But just be careful with grammar mistakes.

  11. The topic of your essay was a good topic to choose. It kept my attention and you had a good use of details throughout your whole essay. One thing I would say to watch out for is grammatical errors.

  12. I liked how much detail you put in your essay. You had a few grammatical errors but beside that it was a overall good essay.

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