19 thoughts on “Feedback for Gemini (Essay 1)”

  1. Even though it was a short essay I enjoyed reading it because you gave a quick summary about how school was for you back then to being pregnant to how school is now. I could already imagine how the journey or struggle it was for you, but it’s amazing you came this far. In my opinion you could go into depth and make your story longer about how you handled school and your son or more of your experience in the schools you went to or what you were studying (codes). Also grammar as well. Other than that great work!

  2. It was a great start , I like how you included names and I think you can add why you decide to do all the things you did in the time before coming back to school, maybe you can included why you decided to do all the things you did, was it an option, cause you wanted to or had to ? You can add more background information at the schools and what made you go to these places and you should use separate paragraphs for the events that occurred. What was going on for why the reason why you had to go through all this and how did your pregnancy affect any of this ?

  3. I like your essay you discuss many interesting things very briefly but, I feel like you can definitely expand on your experience in the schools you attended and what was going through your mind when you found out you were pregnant and the struggles/obstacles you faced along the way to further your education while raising your son as well as managing a job. You can also include the ages you were when these experiences occurred. You should also mention how overall all these experiences helped you become a stronger version of yourself today.

  4. In your essay there were things that you could of written long about like what was it like being a bus driver for 7 years, how it was like getting pregnant and how that has changed your life. It was all crammed together but it shows how you have had obstacles and how you have gotten far and are continuing to try and go further.

  5. I like your essay but you should really expand on your topics. There were a lot of that you could have expanded on, such as what you were studying in these different colleges, how it was being pregnant, and why chose city tech. I would really like to hear about your pregnant expeirence that would have been a unique topic. You also briefly talked about being a bus driver for a while. I feel you just need to choose one of the many topics you chose and expand on it with greater detail.

  6. I like your essay but you should really expand on your topics. There were a lot of that you could have expanded on, such as what you were studying in these different colleges, how it was being pregnant, and why chose city tech. I would really like to hear about your pregnant expeirence that would have been a unique topic. You also briefly talked about being a bus driver for a while. I feel you just need to choose one of the many topics you chose and expand on it with greater detail.

  7. I really enjoyed your essay, although it was incomplete, you had a lot if things which could be expanded on to make a really good essay. I think you have to take the time out and decide which experience you feel most comfortable talking about and going from there. If that’s done you will have a really good essay.

  8. This is a really good start and you provide a lot of a potential details you can expanded more on through your essay for instance what coding is, as well as why you went to so many different colleges, and maybe the struggles you face trying to juggle school and taking care of your son. You have so much things you can talk about that will help you create a well detailed and structured essay.

  9. I really enjoyed reading about your experience and how different it was from other experiences I have read.  I also enjoyed reading about your obstacles and how you are overcoming them till this point. I just feel there could of been some sort of sequence and organization in your essay. I feel as there was no transitions. For example, in the beginning of your essay you discussed how you went to Rockland Community College then after that you said you worked with no transition. This was kind of a pattern going on in your essay. There also could of been more details, for example your experience being pregnant. Just keep an eye out for that next time.

  10. Your essay was good, I liked it a lot because it has several characteristics that identify you from the past to what you are currently doing now, I really loved it. In my point of view I think you have an interesting story, in which you would have extended more on your subject and have more details as you obtained each thing part by part, because when reading it attracts a lot of attention but at the same time it confuses when running to different parts of scenes, like when you got pregnant, then you made the school changes, in that you can give more details and evidence that you support your reasons why you did what you had to do. You have all the points clear you just need to put it a little in order and a little extensive. other than that it was almost perfect.

  11. I like that in your essay you were very open to us as a reader, you discussed some of the struggles you went through and some of your goals, I like that you expressed to us that you felt like you weren’t in the right direction, you gave us a good background story about the college you used to go to and the different jobs that you used to work. You were very open with discussing your previous professors and how much they impacted you. It would be nice if you expanded your essay and go more in depth about certain things, also you should add more paragraphs instead of writing one big paragrap

  12. I really liked how your pregnancy did not stop you from moving on in your life. You did really good job at naming the college you went to . I want more about if you had help during your pregnancy. And why you went I different college, give more details.

  13. I like what you have wrote just yet, I think that you have many topic to talk about in that paragraph. something you could add to improve this is add the meaning of the coding because there were some things that I did’t understand. also I think that to you had many topics that you could write a whole essay with just one, like for example how being a bus driver was like or how it was to drop out of school because you were pregnant and how did you decide to continue with college. I. really like how you show that you struggle but also how you overcome the problems, I think that is something very important to put in the essay because it shows the type of person you are.

  14. Your essay was really interesting and showed a lot of character development. I can relate to it because I’m still trying to find myself in college or possibly later in life and it seems like you’ve already found something you enjoy doing in life and that’s good. I feel like your essay could’ve been formatted better, like into small paragraphs instead of into one big paragraph for organization.

  15. I really loved how you how you had many struggles but was brave to overcome them. I think that you should add details about your pregnancy and why it was a conflict but yet a joyful moment. Also, you can be more open about why you switched to many colleges and what majors did you wanted to pursue.

  16. After college I was working at the bank I was going to school for architecture and couple years after that I found myself pregnant I’ve been pregnant twice so the first one she unfortunately passed and then when I became a school bus drivers years later I was in my mid-20s they after the school bus driving for seven and a half years I started working at accessorized and that is when I was got print with my son it’s kind of weird because I think when you become a mom I don’t think you really well for me personally I didn’t allow it to hold me back from doing anything I have to just keep going because I only have me to depend on life I went to different schools because I kind of didn’t have set plan because I’m a lot of different things went to unlock to leave when I was at the Bank of New York I was talking to a lot of different people that have their own businesses I happen to talk to a couple guys that had it on architect firm and it just didn’t fit with what is  I had going on  initially so I had to change my plans you guys have so much great comments but I cannot reply to them for some reason I don’t know why!

  17. Your essay was a good start some things you can. improve on are. Explaining  your situation , explain the classroom little detail that you noticed when you were in class. Explain your surrounding for your reader to understand. Explain the professor teaching styles. Explain on what you missed when you were growing up. You can also added the thing that made you want to continue your education.

  18. I believe for a piece of writing it’s overall good. However as an essay there are many aspects that were neglected within the writing. Aspects such as extending the details that would exponentially improve the basis of what the writing consisted of. Grasping the reader with good detail, helps in the reader to understand the atmosphere that is being portrayed through words. Despite the neglected aspects of the essay, I do believe that you have done a commendable job in exposing your struggles and what you had to deal with, which is very brave and something that not many writers do.

  19. I really enjoyed reading your essay, it showed a lot of character development. Although it was short, you can create many stories from it. For example, you can write about your experiences from all the different schools you went to, the teachers you’ve had throughout your education, your experience working in a bank, or your experience raising your little boy. I think that adding more paragraphs and going into depth with certain details will make your essay even more interesting.

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