15 thoughts on “Feedback for Jamela”

  1. I liked your essay overall. I liked how you explained your point of view on your high school and middle school experience and how you were back then and how you are now. But I feel like you can expand on your relationship that you had with your teammates. How did they impacted you to change. What were turning points for you.

  2. Your essay was interesting, I liked the details you included on how the coach did what she could to make every person better in general and not just in volleyball. I liked how you realized that you were being a follower and that you decided to change that. I think you could have included more in the conclusion as to how sports were a learning experience for you.

  3. I Enjoyed how you gave us a glimpse of your whole volleyball experience and I enjoyed how you discussed the positives about being on a sports team. You provided readers who have never been on a sports team how it is like. A suggestion I would give you is to be careful with making grammatical errors.

  4. I think this is a really good essay, I liked how you used strong words because it really open up your essay. I also like how you included in the beginning that this is an unforgettable memory which mean it has alway been with you. A way you can add dialogue is adding deeper details which cause a conversation. you can add how this is shaping you as a problem as you got older.

  5. I enjoy the story and lessons you had with your team because I can relate to these relationships you built. There are some grammatical errors that you could correct. there were commas in spaces that you didn’t need any which made reading your essay a little more difficult, even though it did not take away from your story. You could have also gone more in depth about the emotions you felt during this time on your team.

  6. I like your essay because I like how you explain some details and it seem that  joining the team helped you a lot. Also add what did you learned that had help you now. Overall I like the lesson you learned but maybe go more deep into describing what types of bonds.

  7. I liked how you started off y giving us your definition of sports, then went on to tell us s out your middle school life and how you were used to sticking to what you know but you wanted things to change. I love the character growth shown throughout your essay but I’d wish you would go more into detail about your coach, it seems like she had a lasting Impact on you and your team

  8. I like how your essay was very detailed and how you mentioned that you decided to be open to change and trying new things and it paid off at the end since playing sports changed your life for the better. I enjoyed reading your essay and the many things sports taught you I wouldn’t change anything except to expand on if you still play volleyball and how it helps you today.

  9. I liked how you started your essay because it gives us a glimpse of what the essay will be about. Your essay was very detailed. Maybe you can elaborate on the part of you came to decide volleyball was the thing you wanted to try. It would also be helpful if you wrote more on your coach and how or what she would say to encourage you guys. I really enjoyed reading your essay.

  10. Your essay was really well written overall and I liked reading about your experience because it was very detailed and interesting in showing how joining a sports team changed your life. You seem really dedicated to sports and I respect that. Something that can be improved is adding more emotion but it’s overall a nice essay

  11. your story was clear to read, one thing I like the was how you want be a leader not a follower. and you try to do new things. one thing I would like to know more about your bonding with the girls like what kind of bonding you had them. and I enjoyed reading your story.

  12. I like your essay because I like how you explain some details and it seem that  joining the team helped you a lot. Also add what did you learned that had help you now. Good Job

  13. Overall I thought it was a really good story. It was worded well and you gave good details on your experience. You hooked the reader in showing your character growth throughout the essay.

  14. This essay is very well thought out and put together, the detail that was put into the essay is well thought out and presented. I like the presentation of development throughout the entire essay, it shows the reader of the development from the writer.

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