I really didnāt want to write about this due to it being a bit clichĆØ and personal. Iām the type of guy that likes to keep things private so when the prompt i was like āaw f***k,reallyā because I also couldnāt think of what to write about exactly till just now,10:14. Cutting it real close. The only time that i can remember REALLY feeling like I’m stuck in a form of purgatory was when i realized i was gay in my sophomore year of high school. Growing up id always heard how its not right or its a sin and my father being disgusted by the lgbtqia+ community.it made it hard to even live or wanna think about anything that wouldn’t be ānormalā. But then i realized, I hardly see my family with school, wrestling practice, and hanging out with my friends so I could still be me, just not when Iām homeā¦
During my junior year I had my first legitimate boyfriend cause the last one was a joke that didnāt know what he was doing with his life or with me. We hung out a lot around the school And his house with our friends usually eating or cracking jokes, being kids you know. I would always leave at 6 cause thats when his dad came home and he didnāt like people being over. Everyday Iād make that 30 minute trip from the Chelsea district to East Harlem. Walking up the block Iād feel my energy shift to a quiet and moody version of me. I was just a shell of myself when I was home. All I would do was eat, play games, watch tv and maybe sleep waiting till I got to school so I could breath.
Devin: This is a great beginning. I made some suggestions in brackets:
Iām the type of guy that likes to keep things private so when my English professor gave the prompt, I {Capital!} i was like āaw f***k, really?ā I definitely know what it is like to live in two different worlds, but I wasn’t sure I could write about soemthing so personal. And I was worried it might sound a bit cliche. I couldnāt think of what to write about exactly till just now, 10:14 PM. Itās due at noon, so itās cutting it real close. {Ilike this beginning}
The only time that i {CAPITAL I} can remember REALLY feeling like Iām stuck in a form of purgatory was when i realized i was gay in my sophomore year of high school. Growing up id always heard how its not right or its a sin. {STOP, Start new sentence TMI ā Too many Ideas for one sentence} My father was disgusted by the lgbtqia+ {CAPITALS} community. {Canyou give an example of what he says or HOW you know he is not supportive?} it made it hard to even live or wanna think about anything that wouldnāt be ānormalā. But then i realized, I hardly see my family with school, wrestling practice, and hanging out with my friends so I could still be me, just not when Iām homeā¦
During my junior year [of high school?] I had my first legitimate boyfriend cause the last one was a joke that didnāt know what he was doing with his life or with me. We {Can you give his name? What age your were? 16? Mark and I hung out a lot around the school and at his house with our friends usually eating or cracking jokes, being kids you know. [HERE CREATE A SCENE of you guys hanging out, saying funny things, just being free and happy and at ease] I would always leave at 6 cause thats when his dad came home and he [WHO: father or Mark?] didnāt like people being over.
Everyday Iād make that 30 minute {subway} trip from the Chelsea district to East Harlem. [Getting out of the subway and] W walking up the block [to my familyās apartment] Iād feel my energy shift to a quiet and moody version of me. I was just a shell of myself when I was home. [Good descriptions here, can you add anything more like this?]. All I would do was eat, play games, watch tv and maybe sleep waiting till I got to school so I could breath [breathE]. Can you describe your home life with family? SHOW a scene with you being moody at home. Watching TV or Game, describe yourself here. Are you still not able to tell your parents about who you are? I feel for you and wonder — How do your resolve this? Are you still currently living in two worlds: At school with friends that you feel comfortable with vs at Home / Family world where you feel not supported or unable to ābreathe.
Devin ā this is really a deeply moving story of TWO WORLDS. Can you make it more of story with well chosen scenes, dialogue, and good CSD. I think you have the start of a very good story.