English 1101 Spring 2020

Brittny,

These are great beginnings to this essay you have here.  I’ve posted most of my comments to the DOC itself, but here are some big picture thoughts:

–I love how you begin to describe the sounds and strums of the song, but can you go further?  Make me “hear” this song with your words.

–It seems like the most powerful question you’re raising in this essay (at least to me) is the question of how insecurity and love are related.  Can you bring in another article that helps us explore this question?  Some more quotes from Arsanios’ text and from Hill’s song—as well as your thoughts about those quotations—would be helpful too.

Don’t forget an MLA Works Cited page!

Thanks,
M

Redoanul,

I’ve actually posted most of my comments on your document itself.  Let me know if you can’t see them.

This is a good start, but let’s develop it a good deal.

–I want you to make a paragraph out of your questions and also form a thesis that explains how you think Malik’s song comments on the limitations of poverty–of growing up poor–and also how it comments on the importance of following your passion.

–Quote more from the song and explain how the quotations connect to your thesis/interpretation.

–I also want to see you describing the sounds of the music much more.

Thank you,

M

Jayvon,

I hope some more feedback for you on your Essay 2 rolls in; it’s the end of the semester, so I assume many students are quite busy.  However, it would be good if they read this given the thought you’ve put into it.

A couple ideas:

–what about putting the questions in their own paragraph after your second paragraph?  You comment at the end of that paragraph on the hi-hat sound that reminds you of a “flashback.”  You could stop there and observe that this sound leads to certain questions about the meanings suggested by certain weird sounds in the song–and the song in general.  Then you could pose your questions

–after you pose your questions, you can propose your own hypotheses that respond to some of them.  After reading this draft, I think you’re focusing on three ways of understanding Brown’s use of the term “union”: the union between past and present that a person might try to build (or break) as they “grow,” the union a man and a woman might try to build, the “union” of the USA, threatened as it is by police violence.  In your next draft you could propose and explore not only these hypotheses but also how they are related to each other.

–building off the last point, can you add a paragraph—or several paragraphs—that explore the connections between the difficulties of “being a man” in a relationship (on one hand) and being a man in a society racked by police violence.  It strikes me that difficulties with authority are involved in both of these “fraught” unions.  I encourage you to go into your own experience here as well as Namwali Serpell’s text that we read titled “Triptych.”

All my best,

M

Jeicot, hi.

Glad to have read and workshopped your draft last week on Zoom with several other Zoomers–but sorry you couldn’t attend.  I hope everything is ok with you and your family.

Regarding the essay, I agree with Brittny’s positive feedback on your description of the sounds in the song—although I also think it’s crucial to introduce close readings of the song’s lyrics as well.  Here were a few ideas we discussed for adding to and changing your draft during the workshop:

–After we listened to “Boys Don’t Cry” together, we talked about how, based on the song’s title, many of us were expecting the song to be a different genre—R&B, for instance, came to a couple people’s minds—other than rock (or, perhaps more accurately, post-punk).  We thought that you could perhaps begin the essay with a discussion of how many listeners might expect a very different song based on its title—and, more broadly, how to words in the title connect to the ideas about masculinity that you are discussing in the paper.  You might also address the question of irony in this song—words not meaning what they seem to mean.

–You might also consider writing about the genre of music that this is and how it connects people pursuing a specific lifestyle—e.g., punks, skaters, etc.  What is it about music that often helps people band together in groups/lifestyles?

–I had the thought that because “masculinity” is such a central idea in this paper, you should make a paragraph that discusses what it means—for you, and in the context of the song.

–Again, I’d suggest moving your questions so that they go toward the end of your introductory paragraphs and open up the essay’s transition into your close readings of your texts and the song’s lyrics/sounds.

–Introduce the title and author of the article on the Gillette ad.  Also, given that you’re writing about gender here, you could connect this text to Andrea Chu’s text that we read way back at the beginning of the semester.

Be in touch with any questions.  I know this is a lot.

M

Tessaya,

Thank for once again going first with your essay–it’s clearly been an inspiration to many students to read your work and glean ideas from it.  A couple thoughts;

–I agree with Jayvon that adding more of your own personal experience with the material of your essay—both the song and the issues concerning comparison and body-image difficulties that many femme-identified people face—could really fill things in in an engaging way.

–In terms of the big picture, I would suggest rethinking the organization of the essay—perhaps putting your questions more toward the beginning and then also using one of your opening paragraphs to introduce the big picture of the essay: tell your reader up front what are you going to be doing in this essay (hard to know this in your first draft, but now you’re on draft 2!), what are the issues you’re interested in focusing on here?, etc. (this can tie into the questions you’re posing)

–One key thing that I’m noticing you’re interested in (and which I think you could incorporate more as you re-write–especially in your Intro, but also in your body paragraphs) are the inter-racial dynamics of femme-identified people: wanting to look more black if you’re white, wanting to look more white if you’re black, etc.  What do you think this is about?  I encourage you to explore this more through the song and through Bell Hooks’ essay.  You might also look for an article of your own on this topic to bring into the essay.

–Lastly, I *like* all the quotes you’ve chosen and encourage you to go further with your analysis of the language in them.  See if you can set up 1 quotation per paragraph: introduce the quote, then really key in on everything you notice about the word choice–including questions you have about it.  Don’t worry about going off-topic here—that can be interesting to do and can lead you to even more interesting places in your essay.  Once you’re done writing about the quote, go back to the beginning of your paragraph, re-read it, and then write a sentence that informs your reader of the point(s) you’re making about the song in your analysis in that paragraph (and, if you can, how these points connect to the main points of your essay).

I know this is a lot, but we’ll be trying to work on a good deal of this together.  As always, let me know of any specific questions that arise as you revise.

Thanks again,

Monroe

Amani, hi.

I’ve put quite a few comments in the draft I’ve uploaded above /\/\/\, so please download it and take a look.  I agree with Jayvon’s praise of and suggestions for this essay: there are moments of descriptive storytelling in here that really shine, and there are also moments where I would encourage you to reconsider whether you need to tell us certain things that Jayvon suggests may be redundant or repetitive.  Ok, here are my big picture thoughts:

–We need more specifics (names, timeframe, places) regarding the school you went to and your teacher.  At the very least we need to give her a name (fine to make one up if you’d prefer).

–We absolutely need to hear way more detail about the moment you finally stood up and spoke up to the teacher in class.  For me, this is the climax of the essay and as such, you want to slow way down and unpack the details and suspense.

–I’ve highlight some sentences that I’ve identified as “comma splices.”  Please Google this and try to learn from the web about what these are and how to fix them.  If you want my help, just ask and I’ll try to assist via e-mail, etc.

Thanks–looking forward to your revisions.

M

Jeicot, hi.

Nice draft–good to see you trying out a variety of ideas here.  I just made a couple small notes on the draft above /\/\/\/\ but please download and have a look.  As for the “big picture”: I think we need to find a way of sharpening what it is you want to show your reader—and then focus on showing your reader the details of several specific events in your life.  There are a few possible threads to focus on that stand out to me while reading this:

–the conflicts involved in feeling like you’re “no longer a kid” but not yet a “grown-up” (pp. 1-2)

–your shyness and your interest in skateboarding (an activity many people associate with “youth” culture)

–your interest in this older man you see running at the track (is he an example of a “grown-up”?)

–your interest in dieting and the commitments involved therein; what dieting says about a person’s (your?) changing relation to their (your) body image…

As you can see from how I’ve worded the above points, it may be possible for you to connect a couple of these. BEFORE you do that though, I want you to pick one of them and focus on writing SEVERAL DETAILED SCENES ABOUT SPECIFIC EVENTS/ACTIONS YOU EXPERIENCED THAT CONNECT TO THESE THREADS.  (Right now there’s just a couple “glimpses” of your experience–no fully elaborated scenes, which is what I think this essay most needs.)

Thanks,

M

Shanice,

Nice start–although it definitely feels like this is just starting.  That said, there are several interesting moments in here that I’d love to see you develop.  I’ve highlighted them on the draft uploaded above /\/\/\/\ (please download to view my comments).

In particular, there is this moment that I think you could frame out a whole essay around, in which you raise the question of what learning is.  That is, in the middle of Calculus class, you wonder whether simply “mimicking” what the teacher is doing on the board is really teaching you anything or helping you to learn math.

I’d center the essay around this moment and other similar moments in your college education, in which you show the reader—through DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS—how you came to wonder in the classroom (in math, computer science, etc.) about whether (and what) you were learning.

Think of this as a chance to get the reader to ask a question about what education is—is it really just memorizing and mimicking?  Or does it involve something else?

Looking forward,

M

Redoanul,

Good first draft, but given that it’s rather brief, let’s expand it!

There are is at least one story here, full of potential suspense (and readers love suspense): the story of applying to colleges, hoping to get into certain schools, and ultimately hearing back from them and having your fate decided for you by admissions committees.

To that end, I want you to slow down and describe several days during this process—perhaps when you first applied and then days when you were waiting in suspense to hear back, and then finally days when letters started coming back.  I want you to describe each of these days—and your thoughts and feelings within each one—in agonizing detail.

You could write a book on this!

(I also want to hear more about why you think you could have slept through senior year–but only go into that if you think it’s relevant, which it could be!)

RojasL_E1draft

Lisette,

This is a good first draft.  Please download the file above /\/\/\/\ with my comments on it.  A few things:

–There are a couple good conflicts and/or points of tension in the essay that I think you could try to develop a bit more in the next draft by adding more passages and details that show the reader what’s at stake.  You could focus on 1 of these conflicts/themes throughout the essay:

1) your impressions of a teacher and how this affects your learning—and also how your impression of a teacher changes over time (and why)

2) why it was so hard for you to write the essay—harder, it seems, than studying for tests; you could try to show us some of the different factors involved that led you not to want to write…

–Make up a name for the teacher to refer to her by something more specific than “her” (or use her real name if you want).

–I’ve highlighted several “comma splices.”  Please Google this and try to learn from the web what a “comma splice” is and how to fix them.  If you need my help, let me know.

Thanks,
M

Shania,

A few notes on the draft ^^^ ; please download and view as you’re able.  I’m glad to see you getting some really decent feedback below.  I echo the comments that admire the many images you give us in this draft and which call on you to develop this story a bit more.  Exactly how to do that is the question!  Here’s some ideas:

–You could follow David’s suggestion and try to focus this essay on your transformation from a formerly-uniform-wearing new kid into a badass dancer and choreographer.  We’d need to see more of life at your earlier school and more of the process—dance classes, etc.—through which you came to excel at dance.

–Another approach would be a bit more abstract: I have noticed in your essay (and highlighted accordingly) just how interested you seem to be in the SOUNDS of your school: birds chirping, guns going off in the hallway, the helicopter sounds “infusing” the classroom, students shouting “FRESH MEAN” (a good title by the way), etc.  So I could see you developing this theme.  If you did this, I’d suggest re-writing the whole thing in a new Word doc while reading through your current draft in another window.  In your NEW draft, just focus on what you think the effects of SOUND on your experience of this school were.  Did sounds ever help you learn/focus?  If so, which ones–and how?  Did sounds ever distract you from learning/focusing/etc.?  If so, which ones–and how?

–One final suggestion: I’m interested in the school shooting and lockdown.  Of course, you could focus the whole essay on building up to this moment and developing the details of this scene.  From the way it’s written, I’m also not certain as to whether this happened in reality or in your mind (or both!).  If you’re trying to poetically show the reader how entering the hallway filled you with anxiety and dread the likes of which one might experience during a school shooting, I’d recommend using some sort of framing language to indicate this e.g.,:

“As I stepped out into the hallway, I was filled with the same kind of dread I imagine survivors of school shootings have experienced.”

“As I step out into the hallway, I imagine being fired on from all sides…”

Of course, if the school shooting actually did happen, then you would write about it accordingly and not use language like the above sentences to show that you were imagining this…

One last thing: notice my two example sentences above are in different verb tenses (the first is past tense; the second is present tense).  I suggest you pick one verb tense and stick to it throughout your story—unless you really feel the need to change to another tense.  Write me if you need more help with this.

THanks,
M

Hi Jennessy,

I want to echo a number of things others have said about your essay: nice strategy of starting with a question, bravo on writing honestly (for a college class) about how frustrating college can be, watch out for run-on sentences and other grammatical issues.  (You can Google “run-on sentences” and if you can’t find help that way, then e-mail me and we can chat about this sort of thing if you’d like.)

With all the above said, I do have one big picture recommendation: we need to tell a specific story about a specific sequence of events: specific actions and interactions had by you and other particular people.. This is a huge part of this assignment—the task of writing about something specific—er, several specific things—that you did or that happened to you or people you know.  In your current draft, I’m not seeing much of this happening, so my suggestion would be to start a new Word doc next to your current draft, re-read your draft, and as you do, begin thinking of and writing (in your new Word doc) about specific events that show us your transition into college and difficulties therein: a class, an assignment, CUNY bureaucracy, etc.  Whatever it is, I just want to see you showing us key details and key actions that help us imagine your plight!  Right now I can sort of do that, but not really.

Thanks–looking forward to the next one.  As always, e-mail me if you’d like more feedback/clarity.

M