Feedback for Jennessy Jiminian

Hi Jennessy,

I want to echo a number of things others have said about your essay: nice strategy of starting with a question, bravo on writing honestly (for a college class) about how frustrating college can be, watch out for run-on sentences and other grammatical issues.  (You can Google “run-on sentences” and if you can’t find help that way, then e-mail me and we can chat about this sort of thing if you’d like.)

With all the above said, I do have one big picture recommendation: we need to tell a specific story about a specific sequence of events: specific actions and interactions had by you and other particular people.. This is a huge part of this assignment—the task of writing about something specific—er, several specific things—that you did or that happened to you or people you know.  In your current draft, I’m not seeing much of this happening, so my suggestion would be to start a new Word doc next to your current draft, re-read your draft, and as you do, begin thinking of and writing (in your new Word doc) about specific events that show us your transition into college and difficulties therein: a class, an assignment, CUNY bureaucracy, etc.  Whatever it is, I just want to see you showing us key details and key actions that help us imagine your plight!  Right now I can sort of do that, but not really.

Thanks–looking forward to the next one.  As always, e-mail me if you’d like more feedback/clarity.


8 thoughts on “Feedback for Jennessy Jiminian”

  1. Hey Jennessy,

    I really liked your take on how your experience has been different for you with transitioning from being in high school to currently being a college student. As someone who recently has graduated from high school from over a year ago, I am able to relate with a lot of the things you bring up with high school being more of a fun and less stressful time. I particularly liked how you were really transparent in what made you frustrated since starting your journey as a college student, whether it was from applying for financial aid to keeping up with all the assignments that the professors give you on a weekly basis. The way in which you made us, as the readers, connect with your feelings regarding being a total, independent college student makes it more relatable and understanding coming from your perspective.

    One suggestion I would make though regarding your first draft is that maybe you would want to look at some grammatical errors, such as the way you space out what you want to express. There were a lot of instances of run-on sentences when expressing your feelings of your transition from high school to college. It was as if you were just typing out your frustration without necessarily realizing you were going on for a while without stopping your sentences at certain points lol. I think that it could bring more clarity to the readers as well as make it more effective for different parts that you want the reader to especially feel/relate to. Trust me….I get your frustration with some of the stuff that goes on with college.

    Overall, I really liked the way you told your story and hope that college becomes better and more manageable for you from here on out!

  2. Hi Jennessy,

    I can feel myself relating so much to you throughout the essay. You began with a question, which made me self-reflect, and you describe your own journey of college compared to high school. Your style of writing is very relaxed, and feels personal. It makes it easy for readers to feel for your experience. College is a hard transition for many, including myself who often skipped and lacked knowledge of what’s to come. You added just enough of what made the transition difficult for you, and I like how you’re aware of the mistakes you made in the past. To add, I would love to know why earning a college degree is your goal and how would that impact your future. There’s some grammar errors, such as missing periods, commas, and capitalizations. However, it’s a great read and definitely one of the hardest lessons to learn. Good job and good luck going forward!

  3. Hey Jennessy

    I really like the way you started your essay with a question and then went in depth about answering that question. After reading your essay I can say almost everything is relatable and you are right we took high school for granted. Even though I did not had a bad semester when I started college, I still slacked off in high school. I am still struggling in college with finding what major I want to pursue in. You might want to write about that too because you said that college is not working out for you and when you do not know what major you want to choose it can be even more frustrating.
    I like the way you described the struggle from being a slack and irresponsible person to becoming a responsible independent person. I suggest to look at your grammars and correct them, there are some run on sentences and spelling mistakes. I am glad that you learned from the mistakes from the past and you choose not to quit college.

  4. Hey Jennessy,

    Hope all is well. I enjoyed reading your essay. College can be extremely overwhelming no matter how old you are, it doesn’t get easier. I would be mindful with a few grammatical errors throughout the essay. There were certain parts that needed a comma or to rephrase the sentence. In paragraph two the first sentence you wrote was “In high school I slacked so much, though it wasn’t that serious and that’s why I believe because of what I assumed The way I started off college was horrible.” That sentence is unclear, so I would just be mindful and proof read over. Overall your essay was interesting, I got the lesson don’t underestimate the importance of working hard.

  5. Hi Jennessy,

    Thanks for sharing with us. Seeing someone start off an essay with a question is very rare, and I think your was simple and straight forward. As your writing developed your essay I noticed a couple of grammatical errors make sure to touch upon that when you’re doing your final draft. As for the storytelling, I really liked it because it felt genuine to me and also captivating in the sense that I too am a college student trying to make it by the best I can. College can be very stressful, and I do agree that high school did not prepare us for this lifestyle. I felt that this part of your life was very relatable to me and many other students who might be reading this, so I think you are taking a step in the right direction. Good work and im looking forward to reading the final writing!

  6. Hey Jennessy,
    While reading your essay it reminded a lot of what I went through transitioning from high school to college. I think this process is very stressful and I can see exactly why you felt like giving up because I too feel like that a lot of times. College can be very overwhelming because we go through everything on our own even picking your classes there is minimal to no help with this process whereas when we were in Highschool we had so many different resources to rely on when we needed help such as guidance counselors and teachers. It’s really hard sometimes to keep with going to school and working but I was happy to hear that you are going to keep pushing through. It doesn’t matter how hard it gets because I believe that is the only way you are going to make it through college. Overall I think your easy was very good an well thought out, the only thing I think you can improve for the final draft is to proofread and check for grammar errors.

  7. Hello Jennessy,

    Great draft! I too am a freshman, just trying to get the hang of this whole college thing. It’s crazy how much responsibility is just chucked on top of you all at once. Last semester was a bit stressful, but I feel like this one posed a bigger challenge to me. My main struggle was keeping up with assignments as well (hence the reason for my late reply) so I can definitely identify with your struggle. The only advice I can offer is proofreading. You’re missing punctuation in a couple places, and making grammatical errors in others. (E.g.”While we was on break after the first semester…”) Just be mindful of that.

    Be safe!

  8. your essay was very relatable because I experience the same thing I. my first year of college. I know and understand the stress of juggling school work and your social life Its very hard. In your essay I wish you went more in depth In your high school experience. You didn’t go into how it impacted you social life which Would’ve been an important point to make also. Question I ask especially toward the end was how will this year be different? What step are you taking to make it different?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.