“You can’t get anywhere if you don’t get up and stop being lazy”
I usually always think of these words because me being “lazy” is something that pushes me to get up and do something. I’ve never had a psychologist diagnose me with depression, but I don’t want to go ahead and do so myself. I do know that I was called lazy a lot when I simply never wanted to do anything, it wasn’t that I didn’t think I couldn’t do it, I just never had the motivation or energy to do so, but at the end of the day I would do it one way or another. I remember constantly being told to do basic things you are supposed to do, shower, eat, I remember wanting to just stay alone and never want to tell anyone what was going on. I’ve gotten more accustomed to fixing my bad habits and behaviors, like I would keep my dirty plates and clothes in my room for too long, but I almost always do it because it grosses me out now. I can still get into these horrible moods of emptiness and wanting to disappear and stop being something in the way of other people’s lives, but I know how to help myself out of this darkness. I’ve found some sort of happiness, in my old hobbies again, music as always, and simply just taking my time because no one is perfect. I can actually get lazy because of how fast adulthood came on to me, having to do better in college, looking for a job, and having to make big decisions, but it isn’t the same as falling back into this never-ending darkness, I used to find comfort in when I was younger. Overall, I found better and healthier ways of pushing myself to be better and be productive. I’ve had a job, I’m still looking for another one, I’m adjusting better this semester, I am making big decisions and things have to look up sooner or later. I like to think back to when my mom would always call me lazy and say I changed and I am doing better, because deep down I know she feels the same as I do. She juggles so much, and I think seeing her pull through also makes me want to be better, for myself, for her, for the future. Yes, it hurt a lot hearing her say these things, but she only wanted me to do good and I only now realize it and I still have so much to learn from it. I finally found motivation to do things I’ve always wanted to do, I have more energy, and if it ever gets that bad, I know to look at how far I’ve become and it’s barely even the start. I think about the feeling of being on a plane far away from New York, doing what I’ve always wanted to do, travel, and watching those clouds and the sun hit the sky creating such a beautiful sunrise. I think about those days I would stay in bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to music, wishing I was better. I think how badly I wish he could see me right now, doing things he would’ve never thought were possible anymore.