Tag Archives: positivity

The Language of Self-Talk

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By Robine Jean-Pierre

I’ve been reading this book inconsistently for quite some time now. My fiancé Angel read it first, and then he bought a copy for me. He knew that the knowledge inside would have a profoundly positive impact on my life, starting with my self-image. The book is called What to Say When You Talk to Your Self by Dr. Shad Helmstetter, and I may have briefly mentioned it in previous blog posts. With the support of research in neuroscience, the author asserts that the way our brains are wired plays a huge role in determining our success. The primary way to shape our brains (meaning our beliefs, attitudes, feelings, and behavior, successively) is through self-talk.

This does not have to mean literally having conversations with yourself in the mirror or out in public; it has more to do with the things you say about yourself, whether out loud or in your own mind. What you constantly say to or about yourself, you will come to accept and believe, whether it is true or false, good or bad.

Dr. Helmstetter explains that there are five levels of self-talk. Each will be explained in my own words below.

1. The Level of Negative Acceptance

This level consists of statements that start with “I can’t…” “I wish I could…” “I don’t…” and “I’m too…” just to name a few. People say things like “I can’t remember names” because maybe they had one bad experience and forgot someone’s name. They say it constantly because they believe it, but they believe it because they say it constantly. Even if they did want to be good at remembering names, this change would not happen instantly.

When you keep feeding your brain negative directions (“Robine, keep forgetting names since you can’t remember them”) it will follow them indefinitely. That’s why Dr. Helmstetter says this level of self-talk “is the lowest, least beneficial level” that “cripples our best intentions and seduces us into becoming satisfied with mediocrity.”

2. The Level of Recognition–and Need to Change

“I need to…” “I ought to” and “I should” are examples of ways to start a Level 2 self-talk statement. They may sound useful because we all know that recognizing a problem is the first crucial step in solving it. However, they still fall flat because, on their own, they will not push you to find that solution. The truth is that a statement like “I really should start my homework” is an incomplete thought; it is often followed by an unspoken “but” that connects it back to level 1 self-talk: “…but I can’t focus (or I’m too lazy).”    

3. The Level of Decision to Change

This is the level where positivity starts to get a foothold. It consists of phrases that begin with “I never…” and “I no longer…” When I first read this section, I found this level particularly interesting because of its usefulness in breaking bad habits, but I thought to myself, doesn’t it seem weird to say I never do something, if I’m still currently doing it? That’s where the question of honesty comes in for me. But again, the brain will accept what it’s told frequently enough, whether it’s true or false, good or bad.

Using an example from the book, if you are trying to quit smoking, saying “I never smoke” every time you light a cigarette is not necessarily lying; it is better to see it as wilfully reprogramming your brain so that you believe it and eventually act it out. I like the idea of speaking as if the goal you want has already been accomplished; the past has a sense of certainty to it.

4. The Level of the Better You

Dr. Helmstetter describes this as “the most effective kind of self-talk we can ever use.” Phrases in this level start with “I am” and end with whatever positive thing you would like to be. If you’re like me, this one might feel uncomfortable at first because you probably aren’t used to it; you might even feel guilty, since it seems too much like boasting or conceit. Fortunately, it’s not. It is simply a matter of telling your brain what you want to be, as if it already is the case. Try saying out loud “I am organized. I always get my assignments done on time. I have great memory.” These instructions to your brain are way more conducive to success than “I can’t stay organized. I wish I could get my assignments done on time. I just can’t remember anything.”

5. The Level of Universal Affirmation   

The statements in this level begin with “it is.” Dr. Helmstetter doesn’t explain it too much, but he says that this includes “spiritually oriented affirmations.” These affirmations “speak of a divine affinity of being that transcends our earthly life and gives greater meaning to our existence.” They have been used in ancient religions and may resemble a statement such as “I am one with the universe and it is one with me.”

Getting Started

Dr. Helmstetter recommends replacing levels 1 and 2 with self-talk from levels 3 and 4, as soon as possible. You don’t have to read the whole book to start testing it out. Just know that it takes time and effort to peel back up to years of faulty or undesirable mental programming, in order to replace it with new, positive, healthy programming.

In order to put it to practice right away, here is my personal example of a self-talk program I would like for myself:

I no longer procrastinate. I am organized and focused. I get tasks done on time and I enjoy doing so. I never run away from my responsibilities. When challenges arise, I do whatever it takes to overcome them. I’m positive, enthusiastic, optimistic, and joyful no matter what the circumstances.  I am a winner.

All of this information can be found in “Chapter Nine: The Five Levels of Self-Talk” in the book. I hope you found this article helpful, and feel free to leave a reply about what you thought.

Special thanks to Angel again for recommending this book to me.cover of the book What to Say When You Talk to Your Self

Virtues from Motherhood: The road ahead

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‘Where you’ve been is nothing compared to where you’re going.”

I repeat this to myself on those days I feel the weight of my past slowing me down. Some days, it’s hard not to count up the times things didn’t go your way, or the times you wish you could’ve done things different. On occasion, I find myself lost in thought, or missing priceless moments with people who are no longer a part of my journey. I miss the “good ole’ days” and the simplicity of those moments where the short comings didn’t matter; but then I remember what’s to come.

I still have so many memories to make and so many laughs to be had that those lost moments seem less heavy. I used to think the future would never come, and like many kids I couldn’t wait to grow up and live life. Now that it’s here I wonder why on earth I rushed this phenomenon we call life and why I didn’t look at the bigger picture sooner. Too often we get lost in the little things, the small stuff and don’t remember that we still have a great big world out in front of us. Someone once told me that what matters for 5 minutes today won’t even be remembered 5 years from now, and they were right. Things that I lost sleep over even three years ago are totally irrelevant to me today, and I’m sure the things that I toss and turn over tonight will be a distant memory in a years’ time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is take today with a grain of salt, dust yourself and keep moving. Try not to stress over the things that are out of your hands and accept what was, and look forward to what will be. Forgive yourself when you fail and applaud yourself when you succeed, you are your biggest fan. The love you have for yourself will radiate to others and only you can set the tone for tomorrow and beyond, make that tone as positive as it can be.

Speak Life: An Introduction to Self Talk

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By Robine Jean-Pierre

My fiancé Angel is an avid reader. He carries around books the way a child would a blanket or a stuffed animal. Reading is his prescription for any affliction. He doesn’t read just any book though–no graphic novels or sci-fi or mysteries. He reads the kind of books which, at their core, teach you how to be a better person and live a better life. They are often referred to as positive mental attitude (PMA) books, or even self-help books. One of the most recent books he’s read is What to Say When You Talk to Yourself  by Dr. Shad Helmstetter. Now I haven’t read the book yet, so I can’t give much of a summary. I can only share what I have gathered from conversations with Angel: self-talk is one of the most powerful forces in your life. It will be a determining force in everything you do.

I’ve had very low moments in my life when even the smallest sources of stress sent me on a downward spiral because I magnified the issue in my mind. I have rarely ever been driven to physically harm myself, but I have engaged in very harmful self-talk, which is just as bad, if not worse. To bring up an example I used in a previous post (The Right to Speak Up), trouble would start with me running late to school; this anxiety would become embarrassment from knowing I would disrupt the class and disappoint the teacher; then, frustration at myself for not having woken up earlier; then, anger for letting this happen too often and not learning my lesson, and finally, bitter self-loathing for being such a constant “failure.” I put this word in quotes because my friends and family would consider me the farthest thing from a failure. Even if it takes a few tries, most of my academic and personal endeavors end in great success and I’m not the quitting type. Yet when I’m in those really deep, dark moments in my mind, somehow I automatically end up saying these absurd statements: “I’m such an idiot. I’m so stupid. I feel like a failure. There’s something wrong with me.”

Angel would probably cringe if he read those words right now. He’s the biggest proponent for positive self-talk in my life, and without him, I might not have discovered soon enough that there is an alternative to these disastrous self-loathing cycles. Angel’s natural inclination is to compliment. He raves about food, movies and people, always finding something positive to promote. Since we are engaged, I have a front row seat of this spectacle; he tells me a variety of affirming statements like “I love you,” “you’re so beautiful,” “you’re a genius” and “I like your face” every single day, a dozen times a day each, and I’ll admit that even I get annoyed by the repetition sometimes, ironically. But then those priceless moments come when he reminds me, “Your subconscious mind can’t decipher between right and wrong. It just takes anything you give it and creates a new mental pathway for it. If I tell you something long enough, you’re going to start to believe it for yourself. Why do you think I call you beautiful all the time?” This is very true; sometimes I look in the mirror and I can hear Angel’s voice in my memory saying something sweet about every feature.

That might seem like a glib, redundant example, but honestly, people’s abilities and characteristics do not always line up with their perceptions. (This is why it’s still possible for me to call myself a failure–somewhere deep down I believe this is true and I need to change that.) I remember watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress in which a woman who was, for all intents and purposes, gorgeous, struggled to feel beautiful in any of the dresses she tried on (and she had tried on some number in the higher double digits). She would put on a dress and look at herself in the mirror–tall, slender, and blonde with delicate features–and start to tear up; somewhere in her head a voice that sounded like her own had to be saying, “You look terrible. Just face it–you’re ugly. You should really just stop trying since none of these dresses can make you look how you want to look.” I am not one hundred percent sure, but it may have been revealed that she had struggled with some form of body dysmorphic disorder before. This is the power that the mind has over us, and the damage that can be done if we do not harness that power.

a girl in underclothes looking at her distorted reflection in the mirror

A perfect illustration of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, by Travis Millard (Pinterest)

I am not yet at the point of fluently and actively using positive self-talk (which is changing very soon), but I have increasing awareness of my negative use of it and I plan to stop entirely. I am grateful that, until I reach the point where I can do it myself, I have Angel constantly speaking life into me whether I want to hear it or not. If I text him, “I’m struggling to get all my assignments done on time,” he replies, “Don’t worry, you got this. You always get your work done on time.” Sometimes I ask myself, “Wait, do I?” but then I realize that he is speaking in advance the reality that I am striving to attain.

The beautiful thing is that positive self-talk is not lying or simply wishful thinking. It actually works. If you think of your mind as a computer, then saying these statements is just like writing out a program or a command. Last year, when I took CST 1101 (problem solving with computer programming) Professor Siegel liked to use the saying, “Computers do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do.” (He stressed this whenever he made a mistake in a program and an error occurred.) It is the same way with our minds. We need to tell them what to do, and in turn, they dictate what we think and how we perform, as weird and circular as that might seem.

I encourage you to give it a try. Speak positive things to yourself in the mirror. Write an affirming speech to recite to yourself daily. There is nothing cowardly about standing up to those negative thoughts in your head. You have the power to change your thoughts, which means that you also have power over your words, actions, habits, and overall self-view.

As a follow up, please check out my fellow blogger Neffi’s post, “ ‘You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important.’ Affirmations 101.”

Virtues from Motherhood: Who does this belong to?

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A few weeks ago a fellow Buzz Blogger, Neffi, wrote a post about protecting your own energy and how we don’t realize how the people and the environment around us can greatly impact our own energies. After I read her post it reminded me of a question my counselor told me to ask myself “who does this belong to?” meaning, are these my woes or someone else’s that I was taking on? And if the troubles weren’t mine I should give them back. Now, this isn’t to say that I should be throwing people’s problem’s back at them but it simply means that I can’t be carrying other people’s burdens for them.

Having anxiety makes my own problems and worries amplified as it is, so taking on the problems or responsibilities of others doesn’t help me any. I have a history of internalizing the things other people are experiencing and somehow letting it affect my life and my own happiness. For example, if someone was moving or changing jobs and was a little stressed out over it, suddenly I was stressed out too, and my anxiety would run wild making it somehow affect me. I’d wonder if their moving would change our friendship, would we still be friends? Would they still want to hang out? Did they ever really want to?? You can see how quickly that can escalate when you take on other people’s situations as your own.

So the “who does this belong to?” rule is monumentally helpful in stopping that spiral before it starts, I even say it out loud to myself at times because it makes it more valid to me. Before I start to worry I ask myself that question and if I can’t legitimately pinpoint how this will affect me, my life, my daughter or my well-being, I force myself to leave it alone.

I still give my friend’s advice and listen to their problems or what’s bothering them and I still make every effort to be there for them. However, I focus more on helping them and being there than worrying for them. I also learned this year that sometimes you need to return the energy people give to you; if they aren’t there in your hour of need, why should you rush to theirs at your own expense. Learning balance is key, and people earn the place they wish to have in your life.

At the end of every day as you lay your head down and run through your final list of “to-do’s” and lingering worries you should keep stock of the things that need to get done, for you. Worry about what you can do for others needs after your own needs are met, think of that demonstration at the begin of every airplane flight; the one where the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. The moral of the story there is, you can’t help others if you’re not okay. So next time you worry if someone else is okay, ask who’s worry that really is and if you’re doing okay today first.

“Yes, Filter”

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Have you ever had a conversation with someone and felt emotionally drained after?
You listened to them complain and complain and eventually you felt worse than them?
Or let’s get even more real.
Have you ever walked into your job or any place, and had to talk to a certain someone and it’s almost as though immediately there was a dark cloud over you?
That’s called picking up unwanted energies.

I find that lately there has been too many moments where I’ve had to work super hard to protect my energy. I don’t watch the news much. Not because I don’t like what’s on it, but I just don’t watch TV much period. Especially not at 7pm, or 11pm, or whatever time the news comes on lol. I watched it the other night; it kind of just happened, and honestly, I felt emotionally drained after. From hearing the latest of our current administration’s agenda to literally rip away civil liberties, freedoms, and the rights of people who occupy this already “great” America. To the unresolved situation with the young girl from Chicago, Kenneka Jenkins. Then on to visuals of the damage caused by the recent hurricane disasters, all piled in with your everyday violence.
In this hour long news reporting I can only recall maybe one uplifting segment.
All I could think to myself is “What is this? A horror show??”

I went from sad, to angry, to over it, to angry, to sad again, and I couldn’t shake it. It’s an eye opening experience to watch all of these occurrences from the comfort of my own home and think “This could be my cousin. This could be my sister, my brother, a friend……Could this be me??” and it becomes unexplainable how the possibility of something like that makes you feel. You hear the victim’s families talk about how much of a great person the victim was, or how the entire situation was a “wrong place, wrong time” occurrence, and it really finds a way to hit home.

It reminded me why I never really care to watch the news.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to “block out” all of the bad news of the world, that’s most likely impossible. I make sure to stay up on current events and topics worldwide.
I just filter.
I consciously monitor what I am taking in and putting out emotionally and mentally.

You know how “No filter” is one of the OG veterans of Instagram captions?
In my life I say “YES filter”. I filter out negative conversations, negative thoughts, and I release anything that does not serve me well. I filter IN love, mantras, optimism, happiness, shared laughter, positive affirmations, positive people, positive situations, and anything that makes me smile.

I was not always in the place I am today. I have had to let go of many people and many things I used to enjoy partaking in along the way….casualties of the filter. I had to be dedicated to being my own life’s gatekeeper. Watching the news a few nights ago, I felt pity and helpless seeing some of the situations I was watching. I was filtering it in, in a negative way; which is something I used to do (and still sometimes do) naturally; take on everyone’s issues as my own instead of finding productive ways to help with them.
I took in these transferred unwanted energies and let it plant its seeds and grow.

Now when I think of protecting spiritual and mental energies, I use these analogies:

  1. Only light gets rid of darkness. Picture yourself as a huge lighthouse sending out positive light and love in all directions, everywhere you go, to everyone you meet, to every space you occupy, near and far.
  2. Stop being a negativity sponge, soaking it all up, allowing it to bloat you, and then waiting to either dry up or be squeezed out aggressively.

So instead of allowing the news, or anything else for that matter, depress me or dim my light, I think of ways to send love and positivity. Lighthouses help people find their way, help them feel safe and guided. When someone is experience darkness you do not go dark with them, you help them see light. Someone is unable to tell their family they love them today, I’ll make sure to tell mine. Someone is unable to hug their friend or sleep in a warm bed, I’ll be sure to be thankful and grateful every day, and pour love and happiness back into everyone and everything I can.

What’s in your life that you know you should have cut ties with a long time ago yet still haven’t? Filter out grudges, animosity, complaining, self-doubt, negative beliefs and comments about others, and instead filter in all things positive. Fill your mind with encouraging and loving words. The best way to protect yourself from negative energy is to be a source of positive energy yourself. My counseling professor said in class last week “Anytime you are talking about someone, speak as though they are standing right behind you” and it really put into perspective some things for me. It affirmed my belief that having the right mindset will serve as it’s own filter for what you put out into the universe.

It’s very important to create a foundation of awareness of the energy we’re encountering on a daily basis in our lives. We need to use our filter to cleanse, ground, and protect us from energies that are darker, heavier, and more negative.The better our filter is working, the more we become the people we strive to be; our best selves, living our best lives. If you don’t believe me, try it, watch your life blossom baby!

 

Be Grateful…..Sit Down

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The Hurricane Harvey devastation in Houston really hit home for me last week. The Summer of 1999, me and my siblings were across the street with my mom at her friend’s house where we normally spent our days. My mom and her friend were in the kitchen gossiping and laughing. Me and her friends granddaughters playing in the living room making sure we were “where they could see us” lol. The phone rang, my mom picked up, and next thing we saw she was running across the street.

Our house was on fire!

In less than 20 minutes our lives had flipped upside down and a new version of reality set in. We had nothing. Nothing but the clothes on our backs and everything else was destroyed; either by the fire, or the water the firemen hosed in. With no idea what the next steps were, I understood what just happened, but was still too young to really UNDERSTAND.

With 3 kids, one of them just one year old, I can’t imagine what that moment was like for my mother. So I asked her..

Meet Rachel, 56 year old dimepiece, vintage gem, and mother of 5. My mother. The best woman, best person I’ve ever known, and someone whom I’m unquestionably the luckiest person in the world to be around daily. *cues applause*

Me: When you got the call that the apartment was on fire what was your initial reaction?
Mom: Well you remember my mother and father were in that house. She’s the one who called me. She said “Rae there’s a fire here!”. I don’t know why she called me but didn’t leave out of the house (laughs). So I ran over there immediately to make sure they were ok and see how bad it was. I opened the door and the smoke was so bad I couldn’t go in. I yelled into the apartment for my mother and father to come out. That was my immediate concern, my parents.

Me: I remember they were in there. So once things settled what were your thoughts?
Mom: Once everything calmed down I went in to see if anything could be salvaged. I had just finished purchasing all the school supplies for you guys. I had your book bags, everything, but everything was soaking wet. I said Oh god, well that was it. My children and I have nowhere to stay. I’ve lost everything. There’s not much to think about but you know, we’re alive. You don’t know where you’re gonna stay but things, things you can get back, I was glad we were ok.

Me:Who did you lean on through this process?
Mom: It was just us and God. Just me and him. I had to do what I had to do. It was hard, of course it was.I wasn’t working and I had you guys depending on me.

Me: If you could go back to that moment and encourage yourself in that moment what would you tell yourself?
Mom: Everybody’s ok. As long as there’s life…there’s hope. We gonna be alright…and that’s what I always say to myself every time.

Me:What are your feelings about Houston right now?
Mom: It’s devastating because it’s a natural disaster, it isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s hard when things are out of your control. They will recover, that I know. Life is a process of struggle and overcoming. To the ones that have lost their loved ones, I wouldn’t even say “they’re in a better place” because I don’t think that helps anyone. Time heals all wounds and the only thing you can do is stay strong to make it. You can get everything else material back but you can’t get life back. Once there’s life there’s hope, they’re gonna be alright. Once you have life, you have just about everything you need to continue on. Life is motivation.

Thank you mom, your strength is unmatched.

In a moment of loss, devastation, and no idea what comes next; what prevails in my mom, the Harvey survivors, and so many others who have gone through traumatic situations is one word: Gratefulness. There is SUPREME power in being grateful. As I followed the hurricane Harvey story I saw devastation and sadness, but you know what I saw as well? I saw appreciation for what they did have. Appreciation for seeing it through, weathering the storm…literally. I saw children playing and splashing in flooded areas like it was a pool, videos of people thanking God for life in the midst of crisis. I saw people finding humor in the midst of it all and people rejoicing that they had been rescued or found shelter and refuge. Video

So before we “all lives matter” Houston because we too have our own real life disasters and issues, I’m challenging you to take more time to be grateful. It’s so important. It shouldn’t take us having to see or hear about someone in an unfortunate situation, or a “feed the children” commercial to be appreciative and to stop being blind to the plethora of gifts the universe has given us.

Please, don’t confuse being grateful as denying you your natural right to be unhappy or dissatisfied in a situation. There are so many people desperately seeking the good in life, and we too may have been in times where gratefulness might not have been the first point on the agenda. And that’s ok. Start with the small things, and gratitude will start to show you more and more of what you do have, when you stop focusing on what you don’t have.

The Friday before Harvey hit Houston, I stared into my over packed fridge and complained about it not having certain things I wanted and had an appetite for at that moment, and I mean I went on and on every time I opened it. “How is the fridge packed but it’s nothing in it? OMG nobody bought me the….” Let me tell you, If I could take that ENTIRE fridge and ship it to Houston right now I would.

Let gratefulness be the most important choice of your day. Start a list today, list ten things you’re grateful for, add to it every chance you get. Put a few  of the things you’re grateful for in the comments now, I’m nosy I’d love to hear 🙂 .

Like a flower, the more you feed it, the more it will grow. We’ll be doing this together. Numero uno on my list: I’m grateful for you reading this.

I LOVE YOU.

This can help you get started 🙂