When I was about 15 I forgot what exactly had happened but all I remember was that my mother was really getting me very frustrated. So I texted my older sister who moved out quite a while ago, because she is pretty much the only person who would know how I truly understand how I feel being that she grew up with my mother too. So I explained to her the situation and what she told me was “ You can’t choose the parents nor the life you were born with. All you could do is focus on going to school, and getting your education to make a better life for yourself ”. At first i was sad at hearing those words but i later realize that day she’s right and there’s nothing I can change but the direction my life’s going in .Those words greatly impacted me in a positive way because that one line motivated me to do a lot of stuff for example if there was ever a time where I didn’t feel like doing a assignment or attending class i thought of her words and those words will forever stay with me.
Like the past two years I just had zero motivation for school. 97% of the reason is because of remote learning and the other 3% is just the regular lack of motivation I had since my mother enrolled me in school. There would be days where I would just fall asleep in class if I even joined that is. So my senior year is here and we are finally able to come back to school but it was only to take senior pictures and as I got in the buildings it was “ hey Jahiem it’s nice to see you” for the next 1 minute and 45 seconds. But before i could take my picture my a counselor pulled me to the side of the auditorium to speak and she said “ what’s up with your grades, you needa do your work if you want to graduate’’ and i shedd a tear but what she told me was nothing new like i’ve told myself those same words a handful of times procrastinating so i don’t understand why it hit me hard when she said it to me that i shedd a tear. And later that day when i seen my senior pictures i sat and asked myself “why cant i do this work, well why am i not doing this work why do i lack the motivation to graduate college after i came this far “ and i came to the conclusion that it was because of remote learning and the pandemic. But the words of my sister crossed my mind ‘’ you cant change the life you were given’’ so i realized there’s nothing i can do about and just focus on my so i can make a life for myself and be a better myself. After that I locked in and focused on making up as much work as possible for every class I was falling back on. I actually ended up still getting summer school for one class but that was a good thing for me because I went from not even being motivated to go to any classes to only going to summer school for one class that I would have probably failed even if remote learning wasn’t a thing. Moral of the story, my older sisters word helped me a lot and i’m truly grateful to her for the words of encouragement and everything else she has done for me in my life.
Jahiem: This is a lovely tribute to your sister. You are lucky to have a supportive older sister. Also your piece shows growth and maturity. You learned to stop blaming the situtation and take responsiblity to change yourself for the better. THis is a positive story!
GOING FORWARD WITH THIS:
First put the quote upfront (that is what the instructions say!)
“You can’t choose the parents nor the life you were born with. All you could do is focus on going to school, and getting your education to make a better life for yourself.” [period inside] — my sister, NAME HER
You write: I forgot what exactly had happened but all I remember [you have got to add a few details!] was that my mother was really getting me very frustrated.
my older sister who moved out quite a while ago, because she is pretty much the only person who would know how I truly understand how I feel [Give description of your sister and why you look up to her. At the end you say “everything else she has done for me,” so show the things she does for you. More details, description, explanation about your sister has to be a bigger part of this piece since in effect you are paying tribute to her and how her words motivate you!]
NEW PARAGRAPH: Those words greatly impacted me in a positive way because that one line motivated me to do a lot of stuff [examples? You write “a lot” – so list some examples] for example if there was ever a time [can you give an example, create a scene] where I didn’t feel like doing a assignment or attending class i thought of her words and those words will forever stay with me.
There would be days where I would just fall asleep in class if I even joined that is. [give more examples of your bad habits during remote learning]
[This part good. Now expand to create a scene, add more details and description. Make the reader see what is happening. Need to use correct format for direct quotes. See our readings and work with tutor] we are finally able to come back to school but it was only to take senior pictures and as I got in the buildings it was “ hey Jahiem it’s nice to see you” for the next 1 minute and 45 seconds. But before i could take my picture my a counselor [name her] pulled me to the side of the auditorium to speak and she said “ what’s up with your grades, you needa do your work if you want to graduate’’ and i shedd a tear but what she told me was nothing new like i’ve told myself those same words a handful of times procrastinating so i don’t understand why it hit me hard when she said it to me that i shedd a tear. And later that day when i seen my senior pictures i sat and asked myself “why cant i do this work, well why am i not doing this work why do i lack the motivation to graduate college after i came this far
You write: . . . and i came to the conclusion that it was because of remote learning and the pandemic. [Show me some of the troubles you had with remote learning]
You write: After that I locked in and focused [give details of the positive action you took]
You write: because I went from not even being motivated to go to any classes to only going to summer school for one class [what class?]
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