“You’ll be like the kids on the wall, look at it you’ll be just like them if you don’t change “
That quote was from my high school dean. The wall my dean was talking about is made up of kids that went to Midwood High School and didn’t graduate but got locked up with lengthy years or killed on the street. He always doubted me but one thing I can say he did give me chances. I didn’t really embraced the quote at the time as I should have, I was still taking everything for a joke, I was still making trouble, running around school and etc . I got suspended for a couple months from my original school for an altercation and after that suspension was done. I got into another altercation in the suspension school which gave me a year suspension. The day I was suppose to go back to my original school my dean called me his name is Mr.Francazie, His first words was ” Don’t even come back to the school *laughs*, your proving my point you”.
After the year suspension, I had to go back to the original school but he was trying to get me out by being nice to my mom and telling me to transfer but my mom wasn’t trying to transfer me. When I returned I cooled down for little then got back into my old ways maybe worse. What made him even more mad was I wasn’t of the age to get kick out of the school, at first he just let me and other people do what we want but to an extent, until he got tired of us and the complains and started harassing us with school safety. His quote really hit me when I started see the stuff he was saying happening around me ,and to me it was happening kinda frequently. That made me finally get up leave the school transfer to an alternative school and get my life together , where I graduate and got my high school diploma. Mr. Francazie his colleagues quotes and their smart remarks will always stay with me it will show me why I want to be better than them and what they said.
Omar: You have written a good lede (lead into / beginning) for your piece here. I like the quote and the way you then jump right into describing the wall.
You write: The wall my dean was talking about is made up of kids that went to Midwood High School and didn’t graduate but got locked up with lengthy years or killed on the street. [NOW: Can you add one descriptive sentence to create a visual in you reader’s mind of the wall: what the kids looked like, or anything that stands out when you look at that wall. Actually this sounds strange to me. Why would a school have pictures of drop out students? What is the effect on students when seeing that wall.]
Be specific in naming him Dean Francazie. ALways be specific in your writing.
You write: When I returned I cooled down for little then got back into my old ways maybe worse. [list a few of these ways — create a picture in your reader’s mind.]
New topic new paragraph: . . . with school safety. [new par] His quote really hit me when I started see the stuff he was saying happening around me ,and to me it was happening kinda frequently [what stuff? — describe / detail]
You write: . . . transfer to an alternative school and get my life together , where I graduate and got my high school diploma. [describe getting your life together: the steps you took, the postivie changes you began to see in yourself and around you] GOOD ENDING. You say his words helped you change, now describe and SHOW the reader how you changed.