Quote: ” Chris cut that sh*t out and listen to what I have to say.”
The person who told me that he was one of the best teachers I had in high school was Mr. Maha. I had him for two years for science and for robotics he was someone who was not afraid to say things that needed to be said. He pulled me into his office one be and told me that I had to stop the sh*t that I was doing and think about what I wanted to do after I graduated from school. I wasn’t a bad student; I mostly got C to B grades, but I never paid attention in class. I never thought of what I was going to do after I graduated, and his words hit me hard and made me think of what I wanted to do. All I knew was that I was going to go to college, but I didn’t know for what I spent several days on that what was I going to college.
His words hit me in a way that no other teacher’s words have before, honestly. I think the reason for his words hitting me that hard was because he was the only teacher that would say things in a way that gut the attention of students, mainly because he wouldn’t beat around the bush when it came to something like this. After a day or two, I started to ask for my family and friends’ opinions on college and what I wanted to do. Just listening to their views, I began to get a better picture of college and what I may want to do when I went, but I still didn’t know what to do, so I want to see Mr. Maha for his view and to see what direction I should go down. When I asked him, he just laughed at the question then asked me if I enjoyed working in the robotics class. I told him yes and then he said, there you go, follow down that path or something similar. I looked into what he said and found the major of computer science that looks like fun to learn and do. When I finally determined that was going to be my major in college, I told him, and he informed me that the major that it was going to be in was a hard and complicated one. That only made me more determined to go for, this teacher helped me figure out want I wanted to do and get inspired to do it. I still keep in touch with him because I know if I ask him something, he will tell me the cold hard truth.
[Start here with quote] ” Chris cut that sh*t out and listen to what I have to say.” {suggestion use ! for emphasis}
The person who told me that [cut he — do not repeat subject of sentence] was one of the best teachers I had in high school was Mr. Maha. I had him for two years for science and for robotics he was someone who was not afraid to say things that needed to be said. He pulled me into his office one be [GOOD PLACE TO CREATE A SCENE] and told me that I had to stop the sh*t that I was doing and think about what I wanted to do after I graduated from school. I wasn’t a bad student; I mostly got C to B grades, but I never paid attention in class. [DESCRIBE YOUR OLD BAD WAYS]
[new par] I never thought of what I was going to do after I graduated, and his words hit me hard and made me think of what I wanted to do. All I knew was that I was going to go to college, but I didn’t know for what I spent several days on that what was I going to college. [Good place for a SCENE with description of your process of discovering the CS major.]
[new par] His words hit me in a way that no other teacher’s words have before, honestly. [EXPLAIN HOW HIS WORDS HIT YOU—YOU ARE BEGINNING TO CHANGE] I think the reason for his words hitting me that hard was because he was the only teacher that would say things in a way that gut the attention of students, mainly because he wouldn’t beat around the bush when it came to something like this. [GIVE EXAMPLES OF HIS DIRECT SAYINGS]
[NEW PAR] After a day or two, I started to ask for my family and friends’ opinions on college and what I wanted to do. Just listening to their views, I began to get a better picture of college and what I may want to do when I went, but I still didn’t know what to do, so I want to see Mr. Maha [GOOD PLACE TO CREATE A SCENE] for his view and to see what direction I should go down.
GOOD – YOU’VE USED DIALOGE – NOW PUT IN CORRECT FORMAT:
When I asked him, he just laughed at the question [add ADJECTIVE – HOW WAS HE LAUGHING] then asked me, “Do you enjoy working in the robotics class?”
I told him, “Yes.”
Then he said, “There you go, follow down that path or something similar.”
I looked into what he said and found The major of computer science that looks like fun to learn and do. When I finally determined that was going to be my major in college, I told him, and he informed me that the major that it was going to be in was a hard and complicated one. [ADD MORE DIALOGUE – WHAT WERE HIS EXACT WORDS]
That only made me more determined to go for, this teacher helped me figure out want I wanted to do and get inspired to do it. I still keep in touch with him because I know if I ask him something, he will tell me the cold hard truth. [GREAT WORDING TO DESCRIBE Mr Mata’s distinctive style of speaking hard truths]
Good work Chris!
You have the start of a good story here. Work on concrete details to SHOW not just tell the reader what happened in your talks with Mr. Mata. Also SHOW me with details how you found CS major and how you changed as a student. Also some more description to SHOW the reader what a great teacher Mr. Mata was. How do you know that this teacher was different than others, that he cared? Describe his way with students.
With new paragraph breaks, I am suggesting places you could develop more.