Author Archives: Samantha

Things I want my Daughter to know: Take root in your Principles

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Ava,

As I continue to make my way through the colorful world of adulthood, I’ve realized that sometimes you’re forced to choose between your principles and your social or economic wealth. Though it may seem far off or something the people you call friends or peers would never do, trust me little girl one day they will. One day you’ll be out for the first time without me, exploring your new found freedom at the movies or at the beach and one of your friends will suggest something far outside your comfort zone. You’ll have 1,000 thoughts fly through your head and you might even hear my voice telling you not to think about it but then the fear of loosing out on friendships and future invitations flashes in red through your mind.

Fast forward 15 years and you’re sitting in the waiting room for a job interview fresh from college. The interview goes great but upon receiving the job offer you realize that this company has a lot of unfair business practices and you know you won’t be happy here for long. The salary however persuades you to consider it.

My point here Ava is be it 12 years old 27 years old or nearing 90 you will always be forced to choose between what is easy and what is right. Realistically, it seems obvious and cliché that as your mom I’m going to tell you to choose right from wrong, which may not necessarily be easy. Yes, as your mom, it is my job to teach you and tell you what’s right. However, I would be a hypocrite and I wouldn’t be doing you justice if I wasn’t honest in telling you I have not always succeeded in choosing right but I can tell you that having done both; right is always best.

Through my teenage years I suffered from your typical teen angst and rebellion but I was also searching for myself, searching for where I belonged and my purpose. I found that purpose when I became your mother. Albeit I was young and having you propelled my life forward 100mph, it took me some time to get my feet out of the mud but knowing you were watching me pushed me onward. So now when I’m faced with two options either that easy A or that hard earned B, I go for B.

I go for B because I have learned that money is not happiness, though it makes life easier, a job where you’re not happy is not an accomplishment. I have learned that friends, who put you down, mock or ridicule your dreams and ideas are not your friends, they are toxic to your life. Standing ground in who you are and what you stand for makes you stand that much taller, it validates any hardship you may weather and most of all it makes you authentic.

Authenticity is an endangered quality in today’s society so if I can give you one piece of advice it is to be who you are, to stand by the values you hold true because those same people who pressure you tend to leave you in times of trouble. Your “most authentic” you is who you see every morning in the mirror, never be ashamed of her, never be ashamed of your passions even if they push you to pursue a completely different paths than you’ve ever know before or set you apart from the rest. That is okay; the road less traveled has the most abundant fruit. That my dearest little girl is how I am here today, writing to you, writing for this blog. I took a leap of faith I pursued what I have always loved to do, write, create and envision. It has brought me great success and I know that one day the things you love and are passionate for will bring you the same if you always remember your guiding principles are yours and yours alone and not one soul on this earth has the power to reroute or alter them except you.

Love Mom

Virtues from Motherhood: Forgiveness

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Learning to forgive is something that is instilled in us from childhood. We’re told to “forgive and forget” in order to come to terms with the blemishes others may leave on your life. Though I don’t personally believe in the forget aspect because to me every hardship or set back you experience allows us to learn something by forgiving. And why would you want to forget a lesson learned?

Forgiveness is a double-sided arrow as it is something you grant others as well as something you grant yourself. Learning to forgive yourself is as crucial to your personal growth as forgiving others is. It’s not always easy to forgive yourself because it’s not always easy to admit you gave it your best and it still was not enough.

I learned to forgive myself after I realized I had brought a child into this world who would never have that chance at normalcy that most other kids are born with. She would never have that Mom, Dad family or that two-parent household because Ava was being raised by a single mom. Ava’s father and I split when she was two years old after realizing we had ended up on different paths in life. At first the reality didn’t phase me much because I felt that all the love and support I was giving her was more than enough. It wasn’t until she began school and there was “parents night” and “fathers day lunch” that I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.

It occurred to me that if I noticed these things other people, mainly other kids, would as well. I wondered what would happen when kids asked her where her dad was or why she didn’t see him often. My biggest fear however is that she would in some way be mad at me for the life she was born into. I constantly over compensated to try and ease my mind; the guilt would keep me up at night. It wasn’t that I felt I was a bad mom or I wasn’t capable, it was that I had her while I was still young myself and she would have to grow with me instead of just reaping the rewards of it later in life.

It took me a long time to grant myself that sense of forgiveness I needed to keep progressing. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with a family friend who asked me would it have been fair to Ava to let her grow up seeing me settle? Seeing me settle for a relationship that was toxic to me, settle for not graduating college and then in turn have Ava feel that I was unhappy because I gave up everything for her. I had never thought of it that way and it made me realize several things about the people around me who had in the past admitted they’d settled for things. I didn’t want Ava to feel settling was okay or that you had to give up on yourself when you felt the slightest bit of defeat.

I forgave myself for not giving Ava that “cookie cutter” family and for having her walk with me along my journey to success. It occurred to me for the first time that maybe her seeing me reach my goals despite the obstacles I faced would be motivation for her that I would be able to show her and not just tell her in the future. Finally I forgave myself because I knew I was capable of more and that no matter what hand I was dealt, I would let the cards fall where they may. Instead of accepting defeat or succumbing to my own guilt, I powered through it because your past does not define your future it is merely another brick in the foundation of your life.

Things I want my Daughter to Know: Self Love

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I think it goes without saying that we want to raise our children to love themselves, accept who they are and believe in their own potential but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard someone tell a child how or why it’s so important to love who you are every single day of the year.

Ava,

One day you’ll be a big girl, a young adult, a teenager looking in the mirror and comparing yourself to the Scarlett Johansson’s or the Michele Obama’s of the world. You’ll wonder if you’ll ever be that pretty or that ambitious, and the answer is yes. Yes, over time you will grow into a beautiful polished woman but in the mean time appreciate the time you have to grow. Realize that you will never have all the answers and that’s okay, part of growing up means asking for help and admitting you’re lost. People respect honesty and needing help doesn’t mean you’re any less capable. You will never have all the answers but you’ll have some and the company you keep, friends and mentors, will fill in the rest.

Remember to always love yourself, remember that you are your best investment. Never discount your own abilities because they are as strong as you believe them to be, practice makes perfect baby girl. Don’t seek to grow up or see success over night because you’ll be disappointed. Instead take small moments to look back at the small victories and the progress you’ve made. Every time you look in the mirror smile, smile at your beauty, your luscious curly hair, your dimples and your infectious laughter. Love everything that makes you who you are because one day it will be those very things that someone will love so much about you, that friends will enjoy so much about being around you. Nobody can ever take those things from you, no matter how mean or unkind they may be. Remember that the things that make you who you are, are embedded in you and they will always shine through, let them.

Finally Ava remember that perfection is a state of mind and not a reality, nobody is perfect not even me. I have made my fair share of mistakes and messed up opportunities and failed even after my best attempts. These things do not define you or your future I promise. These are merely stories to pass onto your own daughter or tools to inspire others. It’s so easy to blame yourself and slowly begin to resent who you are or what you’ve done or lack thereof but don’t give in, don’t let fear win. Fear will turn you into a wallflower and someone who is afraid to take leaps and bounds. So remember even in your darkest hour you are the light in someone else’s life, mine, your friends and even someone you’ve never met, you inspire someone. Loving yourself is so important for your own success it is important to acknowledge your strengths as well as your weaknesses and know that sometimes you will win and sometimes you will loose but success is a journey not a destination and you should love yourself at every step of that journey.

All my love,

Mom

Virtues from Motherhood: Strength

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Strength is a well-known and wildly used word and like many other words in the English language, it is easier said and defined than it is done. It is not until you’re forced, tested and down to your last fighting step that you discover your true inner strength.

My first lesson in sheer strength came when I brought my newborn daughter Ava home from the hospital. It’s expected, of course, that newborns come with no sleep and little time to function outside of changing and feeding. At eighteen years old however the virtue of patience was still being cultivated and I was at a loss. Never before in my life was I forced to operate on next to no sleep and make major life choices for another human being. It was terrifying.

When Ava was one week old she was readmitted to the hospital with a case of jaundice. Not only was it scary to have a baby that needs to go to the hospital it was even scarier having to talk to doctors, sign papers and navigate the healthcare system to make sure Ava was getting the care she needed. Everything seemed like this big blur and my head was spinning I had to do this alone. As I held Ava fast asleep in my arms in the triage area, I remembered how quick my own mom sprang into action when we were sick or hurt. I tried to think of all the questions she’d asked and how she asked them and I started to feel as if I wasn’t totally clueless. After I’d taken a deep breath, or twenty, I asked for a patient care representative and I got information about Ava’s treatment, her rights as a patient and mine as her mother. As soon as I got my hands on that information I felt better because I’d asked for help.

Ava ended up staying in the hospital two nights and I barely slept the entire time we were there. All I had in that room to sit or sleep in was a recliner and one white sheet, we weren’t at the Hilton and we weren’t there for me. I don’t remember caring much that I was uncomfortable I just wanted Ava to be OK, I stood next to her incubator most of the time watching her tiny chest rise and fall with each breath. When they finally said I could take her home I was so relieved, emotionally, mentally and physically.

If you’d told me on my eighteenth birthday that in 10 months I’d be sleeping on a chair in the Pediatric ICU I’d have rolled my eyes. My life was all about me then, my mom still made my dentist appointments; the biggest test of my strength was deciding what dress I wanted to wear to graduation. It wasn’t until I was wholly responsible for another life, a defenseless little life that needed me that I discovered I harbored that same inner strength my mom had. I don’t know how I stayed up for nearly 48 hours but I did for my daughter and it taught me that even when you feel you’re lost and you don’t know which way is up, you do.

Looking Ahead: Thank you so much for reading! Each week I’ll be posting about my struggles and triumphs of being a mom while working and going to school. This week I debuted my “Virtues from Motherhood” which are personal stories I want to share with my readers so they know they’re never alone in what they might be feeling. Next week i’ll debut “Things I want my daughter to know” where ill be sharing some of the most important life lessons I’ve learned that I want to pass on to her. I hope you’ll keep checking back and sharing your thoughts and comments with me!

Virtues from Motherhood: A Full Time Life

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Everyone in life has goals, dreams or aspirations of what they aim to achieve in life. People make plans and timelines to accomplish these things with the hope that they won’t be derailed or rerouted along the way. Reality however tells us that isn’t how things work and my life is testament to it. At 18 years old, in my very first semester of college I found out that I was pregnant. That was one of the most emotional days of my life; fear, anxiety, excitement and confusion overwhelmed me. How could I raise a baby? Would I be a good mom? What would happen to my goals and plans for myself?

Ultimately I decided to have the baby, a little girl I named Ava. After weighing my options and listening to the opinions and advice of my close friends and family I decided that I made an adult choice and I would just arrange my life goals around raising a daughter. To my surprise that was far easier said than done and I found myself overwhelmed with a newborn and a full time college schedule. I dropped out of John Jay College when Ava was 9 months old and didn’t return to college until 2013. Dropping out of college was a difficult and defeating choice for me and I felt lost and unmotivated after. I felt like I’d failed myself and my family and most of all Ava. My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be someone she looked up to or admired and that she’d feel I was a quitter. So at 23 I rolled my sleeves up and went back to college, albeit no easy task while working full time but I was determined to finish what I’d started.

In June of 2015 at 25 years old I finally earned a college degree, an Associates in Business Administration. I didn’t have plans to go on for my bachelors but my advisor and English professor encouraged me to keep going and recognize my own potential. I am so glad I continued onto City Tech because in one semester I have met such amazing people and made life long friends. I have met professors who believe in and encourage me and make me feel that my goals are possible.

That is why I am writing this blog I want other moms or even other parents who are working and going to school while raising a child that this is possible and you can do it. I want anyone who’s been told to give up, go home or quit to read my experiences and feel inspired or reach out for support. My high school guidance counselor told me that I would never get any type of college degree being a teen mom that I should forget college and go find a full time job. Not only was she insanely unprofessional, she was wrong because I earned my degree and I’m working on a second. So whoever you are, whatever you’re doing know that it is possible and you will succeed because we all have the power inside of us to do so despite the struggles that we have endured. Remember the word impossible itself says “I’m possible”.

Comment Below and share your story. Have you ever faced adversity and triumphed? Are you a parent in school? Share your story I’d love to hear and get to know my followers!