Author Archives: Samantha

Virtues from Motherhood: Look back sometimes

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Often we’re told that we should never look back, that the windshield is larger than the rear view mirror because the best is ahead of us and not behind. While I agree to an extent that you can’t revisit the past, sometimes in order to keep moving forward we need to peek into the past. It’s easy to feel lost or restless when the present is clouded with smoke and mirrors and trying to decipher the path ahead of you seems impossible. Sometimes it feels like our world is caving in and the road beneath us is falling away, so what’s a girl to do?

Last week I was looking through some old pictures from the 90’s and laughing about how funny my hair looked or how outrageous my clothes were, but then it hit me. Those photos were a trail of a live lived, of memories, of things that weave directly into the fabric of who I am. Granted I’m sure outside of those gleeful snapshots there were some bad times or some unhappy memories, but I didn’t save those. While I’m sure anyone can recall the first time they fell off a bike or lost a friend the trail didn’t end there. The stream of pictures and keepsakes didn’t stop when we hit a snag in the road, though it may have felt like it at the time.

2016 was a rough year for me; I’m considered naming my end of year video montage “The Year of Perpetual Ls” (LOL), but all jokes aside the last 10 or so months have really tried me as a person. In a sense I just put myself into auto pilot mode and just went through the motions, work, school, home and repeat. I felt like I lost a grip on who I was and what made me tick and it was infuriating when I put so much energy into rebuilding myself three years ago. I felt like a turtle because not only did I feel like I was moving in slow motion but all I wanted to do was hide inside my shell. Going anywhere seemed like a huge ordeal that I had next to no interest in and being around large groups of people started giving me anxiety. For someone who’d spent summers and weekends before out gallivanting and being social it was a 180 but a rare few noticed. So I figured maybe it was in my head until I did a digital walk down memory lane, I scrolled through my library and my Instagram and realized how empty it was compared to a year ago when pictures from just a few weeks ago got buried very quickly.

Don’t get me wrong alone time and being frugal with your money and your time isn’t a bad thing at all, it was just a change of character for me. I realize it’s a lot easier said than done in a lot of cases because I’ve read my blog posts and thought, take your own advice dummy. So I’m going to do just that, or try to, as the New Year approaches I’m going to make a priority list and try to stick to it. I want to try new things and go places while I balance the things I’m responsible before. Most importantly though, I’m going to try and stop allowing grief and loss to eat me alive. I know that grief is a process and there are stages and I know that it takes time, but sometimes it attempts to linger too long and I need to stop allowing it. I know it is a tad bit earlier for resolutions but I want to start breaking bad habit now and this will be the first. What will you try?

Virtues from Motherhood: What you want for you is not always what’s best for you

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For a long while in my life I believed you could wish and hope things into existence, that if you hoped and prayed hard enough it would materialize. Unfortunately, several heartbreaks later, I realize that just isn’t how it works because sometimes the universe wrecks your plans before those plans wreck you. You can only follow something, an idea, a person, a habit, so far before the universe tugs you back to where you belong. Despite how badly we want something or someone to be ours, for plans to work out or to be good at something, there are instances in life where the world just says no.

When I said heartbreak, I didn’t just mean at the hands of another human being because heartbreak comes in many forms. Heartbreak can be with the loss of someone we’ve loved, the realization that someone is just not who we hoped they would be, it can be the reality of acknowledging you have to let go of a dream to survive. All of those things can break your heart because each of those things occupy a place in your heart, each of those things consume a piece of the fibers of the cloth we are woven in.

Sometimes though, the threads become frayed and worn and no longer hold the fabric of our lives together, they get snagged as we turn corners, they require constant mending and take our energy, and our minds, away from the path we deserve to be on. The hardest thing I’ve had to acknowledge in my adult life was the reality that the universe had to intervene because I myself didn’t have the strength to. Maybe the habit of holding on too long is buried deep within me, in a place I haven’t yet reached, but in my life, I’ve done it too often until the world sends me glaring and painful signs I need to put myself first and I can’t grow and succeed if my life choices are centered around someone else.

Maybe it’s the fear that I’ll never find such a meaningful person again that triggers me to hold on long after I need to, or maybe it’s the fact that I miss who the person was and can’t accept who they are. Whatever the reason, I have yet to realize it, but I have realized the fact that eventually the world says “no more” and you are forced to face down some of your worst fears or demons that you’ve spent time running from. In retrospect, I have survived every one of these instances in my life despite believing I’d never be able to at the time. I survived, and the idea of “never being the same” is partly true, I wasn’t. I had to change each and every time life had to shake something out of my stubborn hands. The changes aren’t all bad though, it gave me valuable insight I was able to use in my own life and in those of the people who I love. Maybe life gives us wisdom not only for our own well-being, but to help those around us.

I’m not quite sure what possess my stubborn self to repeatedly go back to things that have stung me, maybe it’s a desire to conquer things that hurt me, maybe it’s the hope that whatever it is will realize it was wrong for causing me pain and make amends. I’ve never gotten the answer though, and I’m not sure I ever will. At the end of the day though these things have helped define me, inspire me and catapult me into the next phase of my life, whether I’m ready or not.

Virtues from Motherhood: Positivity

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In the course of my 26 years I’ve learned quite a bit about the energy you surround yourself with. It’s very easy to get caught up in a pessimistic web of thoughts, so why not creative a positive stepping path instead? Easier said than done, I know, but it has truly made all the difference in the last three years of my life.

When you think positively and set realistic goals, even if they’re small, you begin to feel lighter, more in control and just overall happier. I used to set monstrous goals for myself, ones that would take years to complete and seemed so far out of reach I’d get frustrated and give up. Instead though I started setting smaller goals, do 30 minutes of exercise twice a week, eat one less bad meal a week or swap out a sugary drink for water twice a day. Smaller goals just seem more obtainable and when you meet them you feel like you’re making progress.

The same goes for bigger life goals, like graduating from college or advancing in your career. To simply say you want to graduate in 2 years is so vague and so easily disturbed that you almost set yourself up for failure. Instead set goals like, you want to have x amount of credits by next fall or you want to raise your GPA by so many points.

The moral of the story here is small steps eventually add up to leaps and bounds and while you  may not see change overnight you will see it over time. For example, I was academically dismissed from John Jay College and now I have a 3.9 GPA and have been on the Dean’s List two semesters in a row. It is little things like that, that let me know I’m on the right track.

So tell me readers, what are your milestones for 2017?

 

Virtues from Motherhood: New Years Reflections

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As the weather turns colder and the days get shorter we may find ourselves curled up with our thoughts more frequently. We might look back on the year thus far or reminisce about where we were a year ago. It’s easy though, to get lost in these thoughts and feel a sense of loss and longing and mourn the memories instead of celebrate them.
I too have fallen into the trap of missing what was and letting a heavy heart get the best of me but recently I’ve tried to think about the positives and celebrate the fact that at that point in time happiness had illuminated my life. In a perfect world every day and every season would be filled with nothing but happiness and precious memories, but the world is not perfect.

We all lose at some point, relationships end and friends move away and we find ourselves with a void where happiness once lived and it’s easy to let loneliness move in. I challenge you however to evict loneliness and invite celebration and rejoice in and be optimistic that something or someone equally as meaningful will grace your life in due time.

Every moment can’t be happy as much as we’d like it to but instead of mourning memories of moments passed celebrate them and bask in the warmth from that time in your life. The beauty about a memory is that it’s yours, nobody can alter or take it away from you and nobody can change how it made you feel. Memories are our own personal photo album for us to resort back to on chilly fall days when we miss a loved one or a place, they’re the moon in our darkness and the sunlight peaking through on a cloudy day. It’s easy to let sadness get the best of you but it’s even easier to look back into your memories and feel your heart be warm again. People may come and go from our lives but the footprint that they left behind remains forever.

Virtues from Motherhood: Shaking guilt

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For all of Ava’s life it’s just been her and me. Ava’s dad has never really been involved in her life consistently and it’s never seemed to bother him that he’s missed every single milestone in her life and has little to no bond with her. That alone baffled me, how could you not be apart of a life you created?!

Confusion aside I was hurt and felt guilty, mostly guilty, for bringing Ava into the world with only half her parents to raise her. I never wanted her to be that kid from a broken home and I had hope that he would wake up and realize despite our inability to be together that he should step up and be a father. Sadly, not surprisingly, he chose not to and was completely absent from her life for five years, seeing her once a year and calling her maybe half a dozen times at best. On father’s day or parent’s day at school I always felt such guilt under my proud mom smile. I couldn’t help but notice her looking around at other kids who had both parents there all the time and though she didn’t look too bothered I knew it had crossed her mind. I knew eventually she’d ask why he wasn’t there or why he never answered the phone and I secretly hoped it’d be when she was much older.

Unfortunately my luck ran out when she was 5 and she asked me why her daddy never celebrated her birthday with her (for the record he was present at her first birthday but she doesn’t remember that). I was overwhelmed with panic and sadness and told her that her daddy was busy working but she was too quick for me and asked why her friend Riley’s daddy could work and be at her party. I held back tears when I told her I really didn’t know and that I would always make sure she had the best birthdays in the world.

Now I wasn’t lying I really didn’t know why he couldn’t call or send a card, I was just as confused as she was and at every holiday, school event or special occasion tears would well up in my eyes as the guilt hit me once again. I felt so bad and I didn’t ever want to show her that so I made sure I was at every event, every holiday show, every class party cheering her on twice as hard.

For a while I didn’t share that guilt with anyone I just kept it tucked away and let it gnaw at me silently. I found however that when I did share it with my friends, my family that they were angry or shocked that I felt that way. I was told that what I was doing for Ava was extraordinary that getting my degree and working was all going to give her the best life possible and that I was setting a good example for her, she was being raised by a strong woman. As nice as those things were to hear I still wasn’t convinced until my own mother told me a man being there physically means nothing if he can’t be there emotionally or mentally. I realized she was right, he couldn’t pick up the phone or mail a card, what difference would him standing in front of her blankly do?

I still struggle with this, sometimes I’m sad that she’s got maybe a dozen pictures with her dad in her 7 years of life, other times I’m angry that he’s just going on with his life and doesn’t seem to wonder what she’ll think of him but lately more and more I’m proud, proud of my daughter for being so smart and bright, proud of her for always seeing the bright side and proud of myself for showing her that there is a bright side, you just have to keep looking up.

Virtues from Motherhood: The Gift of Age

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Every year no matter who you are or on what continent, you get another year older and celebrate another year of life. As a kid I couldn’t wait for my birthday because it was like my own personal holiday but once I passed 21 and more specifically once Ava turned 5 I started to dread that cake on the calendar. It wasn’t until I turned 25 that I started noticing the little gifts age had given me, and how sometimes we really can’t see things until we’ve ripened a little. Time hop is a magical little app that allows us to look back on, and cringe at, our younger selves and our declarations on social media and looking at mine I’ve become somewhat thankful for the gift of age.

Age gives us many things, wisdom, memories, bills, maybe a few wrinkles but most of all age gives us knowledge, power and self-worth. The other day I was driving home and I realized that all of my bills were paid, way ahead of time and chuckled to myself that a short three years ago I was frantic to be able to pay these same bills. With age I stopped being so materialistic and started to think long-term, saving money. Little things like that are just a few things I realized in myself that came solely with age. When I was 24 a coworker told me the world changes at 25 and she was right.

Besides being financially responsible age mentally changes you too. As you get older the things you worry about, the people you surround yourself with and the places you want to be change. As I got older the types of places and people I frequented changed I no longer wanted to be in bars every other weekend or be out late, suddenly brunch and weekends in central park seemed way more enjoyable. I couldn’t fathom spending 60$ on a night out anymore when I could use it for something else. Now don’t get me wrong a night out in celebration here or there is great but it certainly isn’t a life style.

Lifestyle becomes more about experience and peace of mind with age and that includes not having people in my life that required work to keep happy or keep up with. Relationships both friend and romantic shouldn’t be toxic or complicated so in the best interest of myself I no longer dealt with it. The memories of people who once filled my life with memories before are nice but they don’t have a place in the present anymore.

 

All in all while the idea of approaching my 30s terrifies me I’m excited to see where the breeze of age will lead me. SO tell me, what has age given you?

Virtues from Motherhood: Be Kind No Matter What

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Several weeks ago, as I walked Ava to school we saw the mother of one of her classmates, a little boy with special needs. She told me how sometimes the children in her class are mean to him and exclude him from games or skip him on the lunch line. She asked me why kids are so mean to him when he didn’t do anything to them, and I truthfully wasn’t sure what to tell her. The real truth is, the world can be an ugly place sometimes and those who appear different are targets of unkindness.

Shortly after that conversation with Ava I visited her classroom for an event and the little boys mother pulled me aside and told me that Ava had been sitting with and including her son in whatever activity they were doing. I was taken back and didn’t expect a 7 year old to have the emotional capacity to realize this little boy needed compassion. Ava’s teachers verified that Ava stood with him on the line for school lunch or in line for activities at recess to ensure he got a turn and that the little boy seemed to take comfort in the fact that Ava was always around.

The following morning while walking with Ava again, I asked her about the little boy and told her that her kindness makes a difference in the world. What she said next blew me away, she said “Sometimes he annoys me a little bit but I know he doesn’t mean it so I just pretend I didn’t notice”. Her emotional capacity made me smile, that at a young age she realized some people require more patience than others and for good reason. I hope that sentiment lives on within her as she ventures further into the world and realizes not everyone knows how to be kind.

It is easy to be lost in our own frustrations and take it out on others but we also don’t realize just how big an impact we leave on others. We never know what someone is dealing with at home or in their own minds and being harsh doesn’t help them any. It doesn’t take much to be kind, even if it’s just a polite nod on the train in the morning, spread kindness.

Virtues from Motherhood: Be objective

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In the last few weeks as judgement flies freely over social media and even in everyday conversation, it’s sometimes too easy to get lost in our own minds. While we know that nobody is perfect sometimes we might forget that our way of life, of doing things or of handling a situation is not the only way. I actually deactivated my facebook a week or so ago because logging in was starting to make me sick and just disgusted with the people I saw every single day bashing and judging complete strangers. It’s one thing to agree to disagree or to acknowledge someone else’s lifestyle but to openly and ignorantly bash someone you know nothing about? It was just upsetting to me.

I struggled with what to tell Ava about this election or how to understand the things happening around her in a way that wouldn’t damage her innocence. Finally I just decided it was best to tell her the minimum, she’s only 7 after all and her teachers did a great job of explaining the government, elections and democracy so I saw no reason to tell a 7 year old about the racial and gender issues that embedded themselves into the 2016 presidential election. What I did want her to know or understand is that we live in a big big world and every single one of us is different, and that’s okay. Diversity is what makes this world and this city so great.

I wanted Ava to understand the ability to be objective and to know how to step back and view a situation out of her own shoes. It’s a hard thing to do especially if you’ve got a vested interest in the topic, but it eliminates ignorant hatefulness. It’s easy to condemn a life we have never lived but it is easier to understand if we remove ourselves. For example, I’ve seen great debate over public assistance and the stigma that comes with it. People don’t seem to understand that not every person who gets food stamps is living off the government unemployed, in fact most are hard working people who just need a little help to make ends meet, and there’s nothing wrong with that. When you retain the ability to be objective you can separate the people who abuse the assistance from those who truly need it.

Not everyone gets the same affordances to start out with in life and the road to getting there for some takes longer. Sometimes people deal with things outside of their control and do the best they can to keep going. Remember, judging someone’s path to a destination only sets us back in our own.

Virtues from Motherhood: Tolerance

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Tolerance. The word has been thrown around a lot these past two weeks in America. Post-election America seems eerily similar to a city that just suffered a massive earthquake, cracked. It is hard to ignore the division right now and even harder to ignore the lack of tolerance and regard for one another. This election was a high voltage one from the start for many reasons but the main undertones seemed racial and gender bias. It was hard to watch and harder to fathom how a country which made such progress on equality issues over the last 8 years could fall into such divide.

Before my eyes I watched friendships dissolve, families draw battle lines and a nation pick sides with what seemed like no middle ground. I couldn’t help but ask myself, what happened to respecting another person’s opinion or agreeing to disagree? I’ve always believed in picking your battles but suddenly every view I’ve ever had seemed like one. People were accusing one another, throwing stones and downright destroying the character of people both stranger and friend. Tolerance I thought to myself, how can people be so intolerant to political views? If that was one lesson to take away from this mess it’s to be tolerant of your fellow human being.

Everyone around you lives a life, carries a burden or hides a scar you know nothing about but that doesn’t mean you can be insensitive to it. In a perfect world everyone would agree, everything would accommodate everyone but the world is not perfect, and neither are we. We can try though, to be more empathetic and more open minded to peoples sexual orientation, life choices, financial status or where they’ve come from because at the end of the day our graves are all the same size. If there is one thing I want to raise my daughter to be it’s tolerant, open minded and observant. If I can’t teach her to open her eyes to all that’s around her I’ve failed her and I’d also be setting someone who can’t empathize with others out into the world.

So this week I ask my readers to open their own eyes, open their hearts and most of all open their minds, because a closed mind is a dark one and dark minds lead to an even darker society. Look at the person next to you in class, on the subway or in line for Chipotle and realize they live a life that may be a complete 180 from your own, and that you’re not any better or any worse than them for it. We live in a vast and beautiful country, but we can’t all live beautifully so long as hate is still allowed to freely roam society. Let’s raise our children, lets teach our fellow human being lets BE the tolerance, the change and the hope we so desperately need to see in this nation today.

Virtues from Motherhood: Be the person you needed

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Growing up we’ve all faced our fair share of trying times and moments where we desperately needed guidance but couldn’t find it. For myself that time was transitioning out of high school and into college, while becoming a teen mom. I got accepted into a highly regarded and competitive college and quickly found myself sinking, with nobody willing to throw me a life vest. I visited a handful of college offices, advisement, student life and even the counseling center but all they could offer me was a withdrawal slip from my courses. I ultimately did end up dropping out of college and not returning until my mid-twenties.

When I arrived at CityTech I was amazed, even shocked, at how friendly and accommodating the offices and the faculty were and I knew I had found a home here. So in fall 2015 when a good friend brought me along to the end of semester bash for First Year Learning Communities I knew I wanted to join. The First Year Learning Communities are a set of classes that students all have together and that share an overarching theme. For example, this semester I mentor a community that connects English to Psychology with the shared theme of emotions and navigating the challenges of college life.

The Professors, Jennifer Sears and Barbara Chutroo, are amazing and while I’ve only visited students during the English component it is evident the Professors work together for the benefit of the students. That in itself was huge to me because during my freshman year not one professor had the time or the interest in talking to me let alone helping me navigate college life. In addition to the educational value in this program it also provides a very necessary social value, it helps students form communities and channels of support in one another that they otherwise may not be able to create.

In my first two semester of college I made not one friend, not because I was anti-social or terrified of meeting people but because every class was different, everyone’s schedule was different and nobody had the time. In a program like FYLC you get the opportunity to share courses, assignments and experiences with the same group of people and that takes the stigma and fear of saying hello.

I joined the Peer Mentor program not only because I believe in the program’s mission but because I wish I had this resource when I was a freshman. I wish I had someone to email about the little things or for advice on dealing with a professor or precarious situation. I joined this program because I want to be the person I needed when I was a freshman and I want to make a difference. I thoroughly enjoy working with the FYLC and plan to continue until I graduate. I have learned during my long academic career that there is nothing like a strong network, and that’s what I want to help new students build and be apart of.