“Because you are a girl”.
Being a girl in a conservative family, there were times when my brother had all the freedom and I did not. Particularly during my teenage years, he could go out with friends for days whenever he wanted, he just had to let Mom know. As for me, there was a different rule; I was not allowed go anywhere without permission.While he was away, I was often at home doing household chores. Whenever I questioned her about why I am being treated differently than my brother she would say “because you are a girl.” It used to make me wish I was a boy sometimes.Those words made me feel lesser than a man.
However, everything changed when I moved to America. I see a lot of opportunities for everyone here. It became clear that women deserved the same treatment as men. I realised that the things I heard all those times were unfair. My goal now is to make a lasting positive impact on my life through further education. I now know that being a women has nothing to do with limitations but with your willingness.
Hey Sangay, great paragraphs I really like the description on your first paragraph it almost feels like im in your shoes. I just wanted to add that your 2nd paragraph is only 4 sentences and the requirement was 6-7 just wanted to give you a heads up because it might affect your grade.
Thanks Gentian. I edited it in time.
SANGAY — I love this — Excellent start for a good stary! Now get some details, create a scene, a moment in time when this was said to you. Who? What Why? How etc think details and make this moment come alive for the reader. Remember MX’ night guard scene? DO this in your writing.
“Because you are a girl”. [period goes inside]
[Where were you when your moim or your dad or whoever said this to you? HERE IS A GOOD PLACE TO CREATE A SCENE. Find a memory of THE moment when your mom said this to you. Where were you – in the kitchen preparing supper, in your bedroom talking to your mom? Did your brother walk in and announce candidly that he was going — Where was your brother going? Give me the details so I can be there in the room when these words were said? Then what was your feeling, your inner thoughts, or your spoken words of defiance or acceptance to your mom???]
Being a girl in a conservative [what is your family cultural background – IMPORTANT DETAIL!] family, there were times when my brother had all the freedom and I did not. Particularly during my teenage years, he could go out with friends for days whenever he wanted, he just had to let Mom know. As for me, there was a different rule; I was not allowed go anywhere without permission.While he was away, I was often at home doing household chores. Whenever I questioned her about why I am being treated differently than my brother she would say “because you are a girl.” It used to make me wish I was a boy sometimes.Those words made me feel lesser than a man.
However, everything changed when I moved to America. I see a lot of opportunities [SHOW ME WHAT YOU SEE. DID YOU SEE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIENDS BEING TREATED OR ACTING DIFFFERENTLY? What went through your mind the first time you realized you coud. Do this too?] for everyone here. It became clear that women deserved the same treatment as men. I realised that the things I heard all those times were unfair. My goal now is to make a lasting positive impact on my life through further education. I now know that being a women has nothing to do with limitations but with your willingness.