”David stop playing around with your food.”
This is what my ELA teacher told me when she realized that I was not fully committed to school when it came to the ending of of my last semester of high school. I was not focused all I would think of is how excited I was to go for summer break. How life was going to be all fun and games and how I am done with school well at least for a couple of months. I would wake up early in the morning, around 7:00 hearing birds chirp and all I can think about is the countdown to summer. The freedom it comes with, From waking up late to going to bed at anytime I want. Everything will be so amazing.
Well at least that was what I believed. On a Monday morning, I walked into school with the biggest smile on my face believing all was good. I was with my friends about 4 to 5 of us all cracking jokes walking in the hallways of school with so much joy and knowing what is ahead not knowing what was actually ahead of me. Miss Ezekiel notices me through her class window rushed and pulls me to the side telling me of an important conversation we had to go over. First worlds that was spoken out of here mouth was” David stop playing with food” I was honestly confused to the maximum. Previous to that I was always on top of everything so I believed that that would be enough for me to pass. In this case it was but my teacher understood the potential I had and how high I could set the bar.
I did not feel like an advanced diploma was what I wanted accomplish. A ll I wanted was just my diploma but Miss Ezekiel had other motives. She knew that I had the ability to accomplish it I was just being lazy. Our conversation lasted about 5 minutes and after that conversation, my mind was focused that ever. who is Miss Ezekiel and why is her words so important to me? She was the first teacher I met before even stepping foot on my high school campus. She was around the age of 24 so she was someone that was not that far away from where I once was, had a great relationship with my mother and always made sure I was in check throughout my high school years. You can say she was very important to me. This 5 minute conversation blossomed to me eventually getting an advanced diploma and graduating with honors. This is how a mentor took hold of my life and elevated it with just a quote.
Wow I can totally relate David I took high school as a joke I was so distracted and only focused on spring break, when will lunch be?, what I will do when I get home?
Good scene building. I can see you in your happy carefree mood before the teacher’s comment hits you. Good job creating theatre of the mind!
HERE MY FEEDBACK IN BRACKETS
”David stop playing around with your food.” — Ms. Ezekiel [what subject teacher]
[cut — This is what my ELA teacher told me when she realized that I was not fully committed to school when it came to]
[start here] It was the ending of of my last semester of high school, but I was not fully committed to school. I was not focused all I would think of is how excited I was to go for summer break. How life was going to be all fun and games and how I am done with school well at least for a couple of months. I would wake up early in the morning, around 7:00 hearing birds chirp and all I can think about is the countdown to summer. The freedom it comes with, From waking up late to going to bed at anytime I want. Everything will be so amazing. [GREAT DETAILS OF YOUR INNER THOUGHTS]
Well at least that was what I believed. On a Monday morning, I walked into school with the biggest smile on my face believing all was good. I was with my friends about 4 to 5 of us all cracking jokes walking in the hallways of school with so much joy [GOOD SCENE DESCRIPTION] and knowing what is ahead not knowing what was actually ahead of me [clarify this repetition]. Miss Ezekiel [what subject teacher?] notices me through her class window rushed and pulls me to the side telling me of an important conversation we had to go over. First worlds that was spoken out of here mouth was” David stop playing with food” I was honestly confused to the maximum. Previous to that I was always on top of everything so I believed that that would be enough for me to pass. In this case it was [huh? clarify — were you failing?] but my teacher understood the potential I had and how high I could set the bar.
All I wanted was just my diploma [switch] I did not feel like an advanced diploma was what I wanted accomplish, but Miss Ezekiel had other motives. She knew that I had the ability to accomplish it I was just being lazy. Our conversation lasted about 5 minutes [explain the quote, explain Ms. E’s words — FOOD means what?]. After that conversation, my mind was focused that ever. [show me how you changed; what things did you do differently now?]
[NEW PAR] who is Miss Ezekiel and why is her words so important to me? She was the first teacher I met before even stepping foot on my high school campus. She was around the age of 24 so she was someone that was not that far away from where I once was [re-word to make clear], had a great relationship with my mother and always made sure I was in check throughout my high school years. You can say she was very important to me. This 5 minute conversation blossomed to me eventually getting an advanced diploma and graduating with honors. This is how a mentor took hold of my life and elevated it with just a quote.
WORK ON: Run On sentence errors.