Triggered

Jhene Aiko's explanation on her song "Triggered" which is part inspiration for my poem.

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

Would I be strict?

Or would I be carefree?

I’ve always wondered

Would I love you to the moon and back?

Or will I be like my mom and dad

and lack

Certain qualities necessary to love a child?

Hmm.. nah, I never be that wild

 

Mom and Dad argued so much

When my sister and I came home from school

We never had much luck

I rarely seen them hug and kiss

They were just arguing mules

Days and years going of through this

I might as well have

Sunken myself into a deep abyss

Maybe I’ve said too much? Or maybe not

But you get the gist

 

In high school I got so many memories

Triggers and flashbacks of what used to be

And it made me act out

Not being the best student I that could be

Not pushing myself and seeing me at my best

My potential was there but I was just a mess

Hanging around the wrong crowd

Not caring about any consequence

But when I all came down,

I was on my own defense

 

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

Would I be scared

because it’s all so new?

Would I be ecstatic after pushing you out

Enjoying my view?

A couple of my friends are new mothers

And sometimes I ask how it feels

They say it feels different than before

And sometimes they get the chills

 

One thing I do know

Is that you will be smart

You will not lack common sense

And you will have a heart

You are gonna look just like me

Beautiful eyes and curly hair

Oh, you never know the possibilities

Of what you and your siblings will look like

But one thing I do know

Is that you’ll definitely know how to ride a bike

 

Happiness was a facade

I still maintained decent grades

All thanks to God

When you want something

You’ll do anything to go after that dream

Nothing will stop you

No matter how hard it may seem

I know you will be a goal-getter

And no matter what

I will be there for the worse or the better

 

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

I want to expand your intellect abundantly

I want to take you places I’ve never been

When I was I was five

Places in which it required you to dive

I want to be there for you

For every step that you take

I’d love you so much

Our bond would never break

 

What will you become when you grow up?

A doctor, lawyer, or nurse?

It really doesn’t matter

Because I will always put you first

And no matter what ever you become

I know you I won’t run you away from me

Because some things can’t be undone

I’m doing everything I can now

So you don’t have to worry

To you, that is my first vow

 

High school was complicated

I make some mistakes

I made friends with the wrong crowd

They were nothing but fakes

Mixed with peer pressure

I don’t regret anything in the past

It made me into the person I am today

While I’ll be in first, they’ll be in last

I wouldn’t change a thing

Just in case any one asked

 

I’ve always wondered

If my parents didn’t split

And I hadn’t been emotionally damaged

Would I have wanted to quit?

As a kid it was cute to act out

But as a teenager

That’s when really I had self-doubt

Could I really finish school?

Ditching classes and fighting

At the time, that’s what I thought was cool

 

You would be a smart little one

Yes, you would indeed

I believe that you will

Because we are of the same breed

You can do what you want willingly

And be of great success

You will be molded prolifically

And be nothing but the best

While handling grace with simplicity

You’ll be the complete opposite from the rest

 

Author’s note:

This poem is dedicated to my future child(ren). I include moments where I talk about what I went through as a child, as well as how it impacted me in the future. I explained that my parents did fail me in a way and I would never put that burden on my future children. This is a revision of Unit One, the educational essay. In said essay, I explained how my education and learning was impacted because my parents split when I was  about six years old. In this poem, I am promising my future child or children that I won’t let history repeat itself.

The title “Triggered” was inspired by Jhené Aiko’s newest song “Triggered”. On May 7th, 2019, she took to Instagram her feelings on this song. To me, one of her themes is being free and letting all of her feelings out; which is exactly what I wanted to do. Not to mention, she is my favorite singer. I also named the poem “Triggered” because the moments with my parents were a gigantic trigger in my early educational years. It wasn’t easy, as a child, focusing on my school work with this occurrence in my life. This huge trigger bursted into smaller triggers, which is what I experienced throughout high school. By this, I am saying that the big trigger, my parents splitting, lead into smaller problems that expanded from the bigger one, such as cutting class, peer pressure, etc. This was my way of letting go and expressing myself.

Triggered Draft

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

Would I be strict?

Or would I be carefree?

I’ve always wondered

Would I love you to the moon and back?

Or will I be like my mom and dad

and lack

Certain qualities necessary to love a child?

Hmm.. nah, I never be that wild

Mom and Dad argued so much

When my sister and I came home from school

We never had much luck

I rarely seen them hug and kiss

They were just arguing mules

Days and years going of through this

I might as well have

Sunken myself into a deep abyss

Maybe I’ve said too much? Or maybe not

But you get the gist

In high school I got so many memories

Triggers and flashbacks of what used to be

And it made me act out

Not being the best student I that could be

Not pushing myself and seeing me at my best

My potential was there but I was just a mess

Hanging around the wrong crowd

Not caring about any consequence

But when I all came down,

I was on my own defense

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

Would I be scared

because it’s all so new?

would I be ecstatic after pushing you out

Enjoying my view?

A couple of my friends are new mothers

And sometimes I ask how it feels

They say it feels different than before

And sometimes they get the chills

One thing I do know

Is that you will be smart

You will not lack common sense

And you will have a heart

You are gonna look just like me

Beautiful eyes and curly hair

Oh, you never know the possibilities

Of what you and your siblings will look like

But one thing I do know

Is that you’ll definitely know how to ride a bike

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

I don’t know

But I want to expand your intellect abundantly

I want to take you places I’ve never been

When I was I was five

Unit #4 Proposal

My proposal is based off my Unit 1 writing, the educational essay. I will be writing a letter to my future children  because my parents were the topic of discussion in the educational essay. In unit one, I explained how my parents’ relationship put a strain on my childhood and teenage years in school. In unit four, my letter to my future children will include a speech to them describing how my parents impacted my education, and how I will want to impact theirs prolifically. There is a lot of things my parents haven’t done for me and my sister as children. I want to write this letter ensuring that my children will never worry about their educational ability as I did. I think I will maybe get closure from writing this letter being that I don’t live with my parents; so I never really let out my feelings to them the way I really wanted to. But knowing I can be the greatest parent I can be and uplift my children’s educational motivation would be more than enough closure for me.

ACTING OUT – REVISED

I’ve always loved school. I loved learning. I loved being able to come home every evening knowing that I learned something new. I’ve always wanted to become a Nurse Practitioner. It was in my nature to always help someone in need. And it was a bigger picture than the money. Wouldn’t you want someone to help you in your time of need? I knew I wanted to become an NP ever since I was young. People always told me I was destined to be in the medical field, and I believed them, and I still do.

I remember being in grade school, always coming to school with a long face. No one had suspected that I was unhappy. I was unhappy with my mom, unhappy at my dad, and generally everything else in my life. Was that a weird thing to say being that I was only around 6 years old at that time? My parents fought all the time; and I don’t think they realized how much it would impact me and my sister’s lives by watching them argue and bicker 24/7.  

One evening, my aunt dropped my sister and I home from school. I was in such a great mood because I’d just won a spelling bee. I was ecstatic and ready to show my mom. I came running down the kitchen hallway.

“Mommy! Mommy! Look!” I yelled loud enough for her to hear me. She looked slightly bothered, as if she really didn’t care to look at my award. I practically shoved it in her face and she barged out a fake smile. My father was there too, and he also looked uneasy.

“Thats great!” He was referring to my award. How dry of a compliment was that? “Go in your room Bobo, your mother and I need to speak.” My dad called me Bobo, and still does, because I would always wear bubbles in my hair. I walked into the room that my sister and I shared.

“Is Mommy and Daddy mad at us?” my sister asked.

“No, they’re just talking..” I said quietly.

I peeked my head out of our bedroom door and overhear my parents, now arguing. I couldn’t hear exactly what the quarrel was about, but I knew it would lead into something very huge. My sister was trying to get a view over my head, but I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t want myself seeing what what going on between my parents, but I figured it was better than my sister seeing it.

The arguing was getting louder and louder. Before you ask the question, yes. It was. It was going on every day, if not that, then every other day. Then I saw my dad storm out of the house. All that was left there was a stuck mother, two scared kids, and an awful amount of silence. After a few minutes, I went to comfort my mom. She seemed like the victim, but years later I would soon come to find out that was quite the opposite.

My parents eventually went to court and fought for custody of me and Alena, who was 4 at the time. Who ever said that household wellbeing didn’t affect a child’s academic wellbeing lied. My dad gained custody, with my mom having visitation rights every weekend. My mom moved to Washington, D.C. shortly after, which meant visitation rights were only once a month, if my sister and I were lucky.

About 5 years later, my dad moved out and married his high school sweet heart. Ironic, right? That left my Aunt Natalie, my dad’s older sister, to raise me and Alena. I loved my parents, but this settlement had caused me to grow a loathing feeling for them. This wasn’t supposed to happen…but it did. I was a wonderful student, but, I was unhappy because of what my parents had put me through. I began to act out in school, and soon would be later on in life, outside of school. I became more distracted and grew an even shorter attention span than what I already had.

Growing up with my aunt was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. When I turned 17, she gave me the best gift ever, which was no more curfew. I know it may seem like something minor, but for a teenager who “ran the streets,” as my aunt would say, it was a more than sufficient gift. The only agreement that we made was to call her to make her aware of my last known location. This was in case I was in danger. My aunt was one of those paranoid guardians who always watched those I.D. channels where people go on killing and kidnapping sprees.

I excelled in high school and I knew that nothing would be stopping me from going to college and obtaining my Nursing degree. However, misery loves company. Somewhere along my high school years, I’ve befriended many people who were not really my friends. They were merely people who were lost, unhappy souls that needed to fester off people who were already happy, or at least on the road to being happy. That’s where I was at. Looking back at the past, I wondered many times why I would hang on to a group of people that I didn’t see in my life in 10 years. Then I figured out. Although I had a family that loved me to the best of their ability, I was still missing that love that I needed from my parents. My mom wasn’t there, and my dad was there, but, he wasn’t THERE.

I began breaking curfew times, which were probably midnight or 1am. Again, I went through this phase of “acting out”. I stopped being family oriented for a while, ran around with my “friends” doing things that wouldn’t benefit them nor myself. I became this angry person that I didn’t like at all. For one semester, my grades even dropped from A’s and high B’s to mid or low C’s. That doesn’t seem like such terrible grades; though, for a person who was always an A student, it seemed like I was failing. It’s as if I wanted to hang around my friends all the time, but keep a great track record in school. When I was 17, my friends and I had gotten into a fight in public. I was arrested, but later let free because I’d never been in cuffs before. I. constantly fought in high school, and as much as I tried to stay away from the drama, it couldn’t stay away from me.

In 2015, I graduated with an average of 84. I knew that if I wanted to become a Nurse, I couldn’t act the way I previously did in high school. I isolated my self from those high school “friends” and set my own path. It took me a while, about two years to mentally prepare myself for college, and I asked my self if I was really ready to intake what is destined for me. I was.

I never understood what it was like as a parent to split from your family. I was so mad at my parents for so long, until I was aware of what it was like for them. They didn’t split because they didn’t love me and my sister. They were still young and they needed the time apart to focus on themselves and establish a fulfilling life. They had infidelity issues, which occurred on my mom’s end; and I finally realized she was barely the victim in the case of my parents arguments. I learned many things in school, however, I think life was and still is my greatest lesson. I thank my parents because their situation forced me to grow up faster, and learn so much more at such a young age. Never let obstacles completely halt your aspirations. Facing my obstacles made me realize that there is so much to live for and so much to work hard for. Always push forward to achieve your dreams, because you will not only make yourself happy; the ones that really love you and are rooting for you will also be ecstatic when you cross that finish line.

I currently go to New York City College of Technology to continue my education to become a Nurse and, soon after, a Nurse Practitioner. I realized that no one will live your life for you, so you must accomplish what you want. You cannot let past boundaries define your future. You must remember that your dream will only reflect your reality if you put in the work to earn it. My life is a book; my experiences that lead to better days are written with pen, my experiences that lead to mistakes are written with a pencil, and the pages will be blank, ready for the experiences that I’ve yet to undergo.

Research Memo

My group and I will be presenting high rent as our topic of discussion for community problems. It is a known fact that New York  City’s rent is extremely high. Rent throughout the 5 boroughs generally fluctuates, but the average price for a one bedroom in NYC is typically $2000. Each one of my group members researched different aspects of high rent, such as gentrification or where all of this extra money we pay for rent is even going.  I researched ways young adults can budget their money to afford the high rented apartments in NYC. However, budgeting isn’t as easy as it seems.

According to my research, one way to budget your money as someone finding it hard to live in NYC is the 50-20-30 rule. The 50-20-3o rule is a budgeting tool designed to help people budget their weekly, bi-weekly, monthly etc income. 50% of your income goes to your needs, which is considered to be your rent, transportation and food. 20% goes to your savings. So this category includes your student loans, debts, 401k, IRA payments, and general savings. The remaining 30% would go to your wants. This can be new shoes, your phone bill, etc.

However, this might not be ideal for a young adult from the ages of 20 to 26. However, this may vary because everyone’s lives is different. 20% isn’t nearly enough to put into savings with NYC and its high living expenses. Also, it might be hard to save even 20% with the extreme rent prices. According to my article, people generally recommend saving 10% to 15% to put away that extra money for the rent. As I previously stated, this might not work for everyone.

For this reason, I believe the 50-20-30 rule should be 60-20-20 for people living in NYC, especially young adults. I think it is a good idea to balance  your savings and spendings on wants. Overall, I think the 50-20-30 rule is a great template to budget your money. This would be a great way to  help young adults or anyone with troubling rent prices in New York City.

Thank You, Kendrick

One afternoon, while I was working as a hostess in a restaurant, I overheard a song by Kendrick Lamar on the speakers. I only heard about two minutes of this lengthy 12-minute song. But, within those two minutes, I knew it was a song that I had to constantly play. I adored the soothing tone of his voice, and that is what made me fall in love with this song. No, not a song, a story. “Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst” is composed of two parts. The interesting fact about Part One, “Sing About Me” is that it is broken down into three points of view. Part Two “I’m Dying of Thirst” includes a skit and ties back into the lyrics of Part One. Kendrick not only raps about today’s social issues; he raps about the social issues he’s personally gone through, as well as his friends, and how he overcomes these trials and tribulations.

I love Kendrick Lamar as lyricist because he is cut from a different cloth than today’s rappers. In my opinion, he is undeniably one of the greatest hip hop artists of his generation. I say this because all of his music is a story. He is not the usual artist that you’ll hear on the radio rapping about having sex with women, smoking weed or drinking “lean”, finding himself in trouble with the law or getting to the money. At least, you’ll probably never hear him rapping about these topics as a means for fun; he’s actually mentioned these topics to tell his story to his listeners to make them aware of the everyday life of a Compton teenager, even though we may just listen for entertainment.

 

What makes “Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst” so fascinating is one: it actually happened, two, this song ties into the whole album, which is a story line, and three, Kendrick wrote this song with three different points of view. In verse one, Kendrick is rapping, in his friend’s [named Dave] brother’s point of view. The brother’s name was never told; however, it is obvious he is speaking to Kendrick.

“Just promise me you’ll tell this story when you make it big…” ~ Verse One, Part I

He is telling Kendrick that he wants him to share his story with the world when he became famous. He tells the story of his brother getting shot right before him and his friends, including Kendrick. He also goes on to say how much he loved Kendrick for being a brother to his brother and for being there for him and his brother during the time of his death, as Kendrick is the one who held Dave in his arms as he was bleeding out. This verse was an example of a heavily common social issue, gun violence. Gun violence also corresponds with gang violence in this case. Kendrick raps:

“This Piru shit been in me forever
So forever I’ma push it, wherever, whenever…” ~Verse One, Part I

This clearly meant that Dave’s brother was gang-affiliated. This was more than common growing up in the 90’s and 2000’s in the wicked streets of Compton. Dave’s brother’s tone is angry and resentful towards the guys that killed his brother. It is also a tone of love admiration. As stated previously, Dave’s brother loved Kendrick as if Kendrick was his own brother. He says:

“I wonder if I’ll ever discover a passion like you and recover
The life that I knew as a youngin’;
In pajamas and dun-ta-duns” ~Verse One, Part I

This conveys that Dave’s brother’s wants to find “a way out” like Kendrick did with his music. Unfortunately, he never did. The verse ends with Kendrick rapping, and being interrupted by the sound of gunshots, indicating that Dave’s brother’s life was also cut short due to gun violence.

Verse two sums up the story of a teenage girl who follows in the footsteps of her older sister, Keisha. Again, the point of view is in that of Keisha’s younger sister but rapped by Kendrick Lamar. Unlike Dave’s brother, Keisha’s sister did not want Kendrick to sing about her. He starts the verse off by saying:

“You wrote a song about my sister on your tape
And called it Section. 80

The message resembled “Brenda’s Got A Baby” ~Verse Two, Part I

In Kendrick Lamar’s 2011 album “Section.80”, he wrote “Keisha’s Song (Her Pain)”, which was a story about a woman he knew, named Keisha. At the time, she was a 17-year-old prostitute. The message of the song was similar to Tupac Shakur’s “Brenda’s Got A Baby”, a story based on 12-year-old Brenda who got pregnant, became a prostitute for money and was slain. “Keisha’s Song” was a story that told the life of Keisha as a prostitute, with the same outcome as Brenda. The lines after this clearly show Keisha’s sister’s tone of disapproval after hearing the song about her very own sister. Keisha and her sister were prostitutes, and Kendrick did not mention that so abruptly; but there were parts of Verse two that hinted the profession of Keisha’s sister, which stood out to me:

“Even if I got to fuck, suck and swallow

In the parking lot, Gonzales Park, I’m followed

By a married man, and father of three

My titties bounce on the cadence of his tinklin’ keys

Matter of fact, he my favorite ’cause he tip me with E’s” ~Verse Two, Part I

This is one instance where a listener would find out that she’s a prostitute. Kendrick’s use of E’s is a homophone because this shows that he tips her easily because she’s a good prostitute and also tips her with ecstasy. Keisha’s sister is a teenager herself, and this is proved when she speaks upon running away from her foster home and not missing it; she believed that she was just another girl whose life was damaged by the system. She also shows a tone of slight regret and felt that if she was brought up by a family that actually loved and supported her, then maybe she would have learned to respect her body and become a woman, a leader.

Keisha’s sister’s tone of loathe is persistent throughout the verse. It became clear that her and Dave’s brother had opposing tones. Dave’s brother wanted Kendrick to tell their story when he made it big. It appeared that Keisha’s sister did not:

“…what point are you tryna gain

If you can’t fit the pumps I walk in?

I’ll wait… Your rebuttal a little too late

And if you have a album date, just make sure I’m not in the song…” ~Verse Two, Part I

Verse three is more centralized on Kendrick on verge of life and death. The tone of this verse is very unhappy, disgusted with himself as he stares into his reflection, and it becomes worse and worse every time he stares. It, more or less, becomes the rebuttal that Keisha’s sister claims (verse 2) was “late”. He reflects on both instances in verses one and two:

“And you’re right, your brother was a brother to me

And your sister’s situation was the one that pulled me

In a direction to speak on somethin’

That’s realer than the TV screen” ~Verse Three, Part I

The first line aimed at Dave’s brother, and corroborates verse one, which mentions that Dave’s brother sees Kendrick as a brother of his own. He is making sure that he’s telling Dave’s story and his because it is something that should be heard. The next three lines, and some after that, explain that Kendrick didn’t sing about Keisha to put her business out there and judging. It was instances like Dave’s and Keisha’s (and ultimately their brother’s and sister’s) that drove Kendrick to focus on his music, and not the sad life of the Compton streets. Kendrick hopes that one day, when he dies or retires, that someone will rap about his legendary days as a rapper, just as people do now with BIG and Tupac:

“…And hope that at least one of you sing about me when I’m gone

Am I worth it? Did I put enough work in?” ~Verse Three, Part I

At this point in the song, Part one’s (Sing About Me) beat is simmering down and the skit is arising. In the skit, Dave had just been killed due to gun violence, and Kendrick and friends are trying to figure out if they want revenge or to run. Dave’s brother concludes the skit by fumingly yelling that he’s tired of running. Kendrick starts off Part two (I’m Dying of Thirst) by stating:

“Tired of runnin’, tired of huntin’

My own kind, but retirin’ nothin’” ~Verse One, Part II

This is a never-ending cycle of violence in the black community; this is black-on-black violence that he partakes in because of the death of his friend. “Retirin’ nothin’” is in reference to not losing anything of value (besides involved loved-ones) after this is all said and done. Essentially, nothing is gained from violence.

Part two more so shows Kendrick’s relationship with God.

“My momma say “See, a pastor give me a promise

What if today was the rapture and you completely tarnished?

The truth will set you free, so to me be completely honest

You dyin’ of thirst, you dyin’ of thirst

So, hop in that water, and pray that it works.”

This is in reference to holy water. Kendrick is seeking salvation; he is talking about being baptized with the spirit of the Lord. The tone of Part two is reflective, and Kendrick just wants forgiveness from God.

I enjoyed listening to this song the first time; and I felt exactly the same way after dozens of listens. What I learned about Kendrick Lamar, and more so on this song, is that it ties into the whole album. Kendrick Lamar is very descriptive, and I believe that is what drew me into this song out of millions I could have chosen from. Not only did he tell a story of four people he deeply cared about, he made people aware of their situation of gun/gang violence and prostitution. I love music; however, I don’t listen to a lot of songs that will tell the story of the person rapping it. I will never have that problem with Kendrick Lamar.

 

 

 

 

One afternoon, while I was working as a hostess in a restaurant, I overheard a song by Kendrick Lamar on the speakers. I only heard about two minutes of this lengthy 12-minute song. But, within those two minutes, I knew it was a song that I had to constantly play. I adored the soothing tone of his voice, and that is what made me fall in love with this song. No, not a song, a story. “Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst” is composed of two parts. The interesting fact about Part One, “Sing About Me” is that it is broken down into three points of view. Part Two “I’m Dying of Thirst” includes a skit and ties back into the lyrics of Part One. Kendrick not only raps about today’s social issues; he raps about the social issues he’s personally gone through, as well as his friends, and how he overcomes these trials and tribulations.

I love Kendrick Lamar as lyricist because he is cut from a different cloth than today’s rappers. In my opinion, he is undeniably one of the greatest hip hop artists of his generation. I say this because all of his music is a story. He is not the usual artist that you’ll hear on the radio rapping about having sex with women, smoking weed or drinking “lean”, finding himself in trouble with the law or getting to the money. At least, you’ll probably never hear him rapping about these topics as a means for fun; he’s actually mentioned these topics to tell his story to his listeners to make them aware of the everyday life of a Compton teenager, even though we may just listen for entertainment.

What makes “Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst” so fascinating is one: it actually happened, two, this song ties into the whole album, which is a story line, and three, Kendrick wrote this song with three different points of view. In verse one, Kendrick is rapping, in his friend’s [named Dave] brother’s point of view. The brother’s name was never told; however, it is obvious he is speaking to Kendrick.

“Just promise me you’ll tell this story when you make it big…” ~ Verse One

He is telling Kendrick that he wants him to share his story with the world when he became famous. He tells the story of his brother getting shot right before him and his friends, including Kendrick. He also goes on to say how much he loved Kendrick for being a brother to his brother and for being there for him and his brother during the time of his death, as Kendrick is the one who held Dave in his arms as he was bleeding out. This verse was an example of a heavily common social issue, gun violence. Gun violence also corresponds with gang violence in this case. Kendrick raps:

“This Piru shit been in me forever
So forever I’ma push it, wherever, whenever…” ~Verse One

This clearly meant that Dave’s brother was gang-affiliated. This was more than common growing up in the 90’s and 2000’s in the wicked streets of Compton. Dave’s brother’s tone is angry and resentful towards the guys that killed his brother. It is also a tone of love admiration. As stated previously, Dave’s brother loved Kendrick as if Kendrick was his own brother. He says:

“I wonder if I’ll ever discover a passion like you and recover
The life that I knew as a youngin;
In pajamas and dun-ta-duns” ~Verse One

This conveys that Dave’s brother wants to find “a way out” like Kendrick did with his music. Unfortunately, he never did.

 

Monster

Acting Out (REVISED)

I’ve always loved school. I loved learning. I loved being able to come home every evening knowing that I learned something new. I’ve always wanted to become a Nurse Practitioner. It was in my nature to always help someone in need. And it was a bigger picture than the money. Wouldn’t you want someone to help you in your time of need? I knew I wanted to become an NP ever since I was young. People always told me I was destined to be in the medical field, and I believed them, and I still do.

I remember being in grade school, always coming to school with a long face. No one had suspected that I was unhappy. I was unhappy with my mom, unhappy at my dad, and generally everything else in my life. Was that a weird thing to say being that I was only around 6 years old at that time? My parents fought all the time; and I don’t think they realized how much it would impact me and my sister’s lives by watching them argue and bicker 24/7.  

One evening, my aunt dropped my sister and I home from school. I was in such a great mood because I’d just won a spelling bee. I was ecstatic and ready to show my mom. I came running down the kitchen hallway.

“Mommy! Mommy! Look!” I yelled loud enough for her to hear me. She looked slightly bothered, as if she really didn’t care to look at my award. I practically shoved it in her face and she barged out a fake smile. My father was there too, and he also looked uneasy.

“Thats great!” He was referring to my award. How dry of a compliment was that? “Go in your room Bobo, your mother and I need to speak.” My dad called me Bobo, and still does, because I would always wear bubbles in my hair. I walked into the room that my sister and I shared.

“Is Mommy and Daddy mad at us?” my sister asked.

“No, they’re just talking..” I said quietly.

I peeked my head out of our bedroom door and overhear my parents, now arguing. I couldn’t hear exactly what the quarrel was about, but I knew it would lead into something very huge. My sister was trying to get a view over my head, but I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t want myself seeing what what going on between my parents, but I figured it was better than my sister seeing it.

The arguing was getting louder and louder. Before you ask the question, yes. It was. It was going on every day, if not that, then every other day. Then I saw my dad storm out of the house. All that was left there was a stuck mother, two scared kids, and an awful amount of silence. After a few minutes, I went to comfort my mom. She seemed like the victim, but years later I would soon come to find out that was quite the opposite.

My parents eventually went to court and fought for custody of me and Alena, who was 4 at the time. Who ever said that household wellbeing didn’t affect a child’s academic wellbeing lied. My dad gained custody, with my mom having visitation rights every weekend. My mom moved to Washington, D.C. shortly after, which meant visitation rights were only once a month, if my sister and I were lucky.

About 5 years later, my dad moved out and married his high school sweet heart. Ironic, right? That left my Aunt Natalie, my dad’s older sister, to raise me and Alena. I loved my parents, but this settlement had caused me to grow a loathing feeling for them. This wasn’t supposed to happen…but it did. I was a wonderful student, but, I was unhappy because of what my parents had put me through. I began to act out in school, and soon would be later on in life, outside of school. I became more distracted and grew an even shorter attention span than what I already had.

Growing up with my aunt was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. When I turned 17, she gave me the best gift ever, which was no more curfew. I know it may seem like something minor, but for a teenager who “ran the streets,” as my aunt would say, it was a more than sufficient gift. The only agreement that we made was to call her to make her aware of my last known location. This was in case I was in danger. My aunt was one of those paranoid guardians who always watched those I.D. channels where people go on killing and kidnapping sprees. 

I excelled in high school and I knew that nothing would be stopping me from going to college and obtaining my Nursing degree. However, misery loves company. Somewhere along my high school years, I’ve befriended many people who were not really my friends. They were merely people who were lost, unhappy souls that needed to fester off people who were already happy, or at least on the road to being happy. That’s where I was at. Looking back at the past, I wondered many times why I would hang on to a group of people that I didn’t see in my life in 10 years. Then I figured out. Although I had a family that loved me to the best of their ability, I was still missing that love that I needed from my parents. My mom wasn’t there, and my dad was there, but, he wasn’t THERE.

I began breaking curfew times, which were probably midnight or 1am. Again, I went through this phase of “acting out”. I stopped being family oriented for a while, ran around with my “friends” doing things that wouldn’t benefit them nor myself. I became this angry person that I didn’t like at all. For one semester, my grades even dropped from A’s and high B’s to mid or low C’s. That doesn’t seem like such terrible grades; though, for a person who was always an A student, it seemed like I was failing. It’s as if I wanted to hang around my friends all the time, but keep a great track record in school. When I was 17, my friends and I had gotten into a fight in public. I was arrested, but later let free because I’d never been in cuffs before. I. constantly fought in high school, and as much as I tried to stay away from the drama, it couldn’t stay away from me.

In 2015, I graduated with an average of 84. I knew that if I wanted to become a Nurse, I couldn’t act the way I previously did in high school. I isolated my self from those high school “friends” and set my own path. It took me a while, about two years to mentally prepare myself for college, and I asked my self if I was really ready to intake what is destined for me. I was. 

I never understood what it was like as a parent to split from your family. I was so mad at my parents for so long, until I was aware of what it was like for them. They didn’t split because they didn’t love me and my sister. They were still young and they needed the time apart to focus on themselves and establish a fulfilling life. They had infidelity issues, which occurred on my mom’s end; and I finally realized she was barely the victim in the case of my parents arguments. I learned many things in school, however, I think life was and still is my greatest lesson. I thank my parents because their situation forced me to grow up faster, and learn so much more at such a young age. Never let obstacles completely halt your aspirations. Facing my obstacles made me realize that there is so much to live for and so much to work hard for. Always push forward to achieve your dreams, because you will not only make yourself happy; the ones that really love you and are rooting for you will also be ecstatic when you cross that finish line. 

I currently go to New York City College of Technology to continue my education to become a Nurse and, soon after, a Nurse Practitioner. I realized that no one will live your life for you, so you must accomplish what you want. You cannot let past boundaries define your future. You must remember that your dream will only reflect your reality if you put in the work to earn it. My life is a book; my experiences that lead to better days are written with pen, my experiences that lead to mistakes are written with a pencil, and the pages will be blank, ready for the experiences that I’ve yet to undergo.