Triggered

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

Would I be strict?

Or would I be carefree?

I’ve always wondered

Would I love you to the moon and back?

Or will I be like my mom and dad

and lack

Certain qualities necessary to love a child?

Hmm.. nah, I never be that wild

 

Mom and Dad argued so much

When my sister and I came home from school

We never had much luck

I rarely seen them hug and kiss

They were just arguing mules

Days and years going of through this

I might as well have

Sunken myself into a deep abyss

Maybe I’ve said too much? Or maybe not

But you get the gist

 

In high school I got so many memories

Triggers and flashbacks of what used to be

And it made me act out

Not being the best student I that could be

Not pushing myself and seeing me at my best

My potential was there but I was just a mess

Hanging around the wrong crowd

Not caring about any consequence

But when I all came down,

I was on my own defense

 

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

Would I be scared

because it’s all so new?

Would I be ecstatic after pushing you out

Enjoying my view?

A couple of my friends are new mothers

And sometimes I ask how it feels

They say it feels different than before

And sometimes they get the chills

 

One thing I do know

Is that you will be smart

You will not lack common sense

And you will have a heart

You are gonna look just like me

Beautiful eyes and curly hair

Oh, you never know the possibilities

Of what you and your siblings will look like

But one thing I do know

Is that you’ll definitely know how to ride a bike

 

Happiness was a facade

I still maintained decent grades

All thanks to God

When you want something

You’ll do anything to go after that dream

Nothing will stop you

No matter how hard it may seem

I know you will be a goal-getter

And no matter what

I will be there for the worse or the better

 

I’ve always wondered

What kind of mother I would be

I want to expand your intellect abundantly

I want to take you places I’ve never been

When I was I was five

Places in which it required you to dive

I want to be there for you

For every step that you take

I’d love you so much

Our bond would never break

 

What will you become when you grow up?

A doctor, lawyer, or nurse?

It really doesn’t matter

Because I will always put you first

And no matter what ever you become

I know you I won’t run you away from me

Because some things can’t be undone

I’m doing everything I can now

So you don’t have to worry

To you, that is my first vow

 

High school was complicated

I make some mistakes

I made friends with the wrong crowd

They were nothing but fakes

Mixed with peer pressure

I don’t regret anything in the past

It made me into the person I am today

While I’ll be in first, they’ll be in last

I wouldn’t change a thing

Just in case any one asked

 

I’ve always wondered

If my parents didn’t split

And I hadn’t been emotionally damaged

Would I have wanted to quit?

As a kid it was cute to act out

But as a teenager

That’s when really I had self-doubt

Could I really finish school?

Ditching classes and fighting

At the time, that’s what I thought was cool

 

You would be a smart little one

Yes, you would indeed

I believe that you will

Because we are of the same breed

You can do what you want willingly

And be of great success

You will be molded prolifically

And be nothing but the best

While handling grace with simplicity

You’ll be the complete opposite from the rest

 

Author’s note:

This poem is dedicated to my future child(ren). I include moments where I talk about what I went through as a child, as well as how it impacted me in the future. I explained that my parents did fail me in a way and I would never put that burden on my future children. This is a revision of Unit One, the educational essay. In said essay, I explained how my education and learning was impacted because my parents split when I was  about six years old. In this poem, I am promising my future child or children that I won’t let history repeat itself.

The title “Triggered” was inspired by Jhené Aiko’s newest song “Triggered”. On May 7th, 2019, she took to Instagram her feelings on this song. To me, one of her themes is being free and letting all of her feelings out; which is exactly what I wanted to do. Not to mention, she is my favorite singer. I also named the poem “Triggered” because the moments with my parents were a gigantic trigger in my early educational years. It wasn’t easy, as a child, focusing on my school work with this occurrence in my life. This huge trigger bursted into smaller triggers, which is what I experienced throughout high school. By this, I am saying that the big trigger, my parents splitting, lead into smaller problems that expanded from the bigger one, such as cutting class, peer pressure, etc. This was my way of letting go and expressing myself.