Author: Lenesha Robinson
Triggered
Iāve always wondered
What kind of mother I would be
Would I be strict?
Or would I be carefree?
Iāve always wondered
Would I love you to the moon and back?
Or will I be like my mom and dad
and lack
Certain qualities necessary to love a child?
Hmm.. nah, I never be that wild
Mom and Dad argued so much
When my sister and I came home from school
We never had much luck
I rarely seen them hug and kiss
They were just arguing mules
Days and years going of through this
I might as well have
Sunken myself into a deep abyss
Maybe Iāve said too much? Or maybe not
But you get the gist
In high school I got so many memories
Triggers and flashbacks of what used to be
And it made me act out
Not being the best student I that could be
Not pushing myself and seeing me at my best
My potential was there but I was just a mess
Hanging around the wrong crowd
Not caring about any consequence
But when I all came down,
I was on my own defense
Iāve always wondered
What kind of mother I would be
Would I be scared
because itās all so new?
Would I be ecstatic after pushing you out
Enjoying my view?
A couple of my friends are new mothers
And sometimes I ask how it feels
They say it feels different than before
And sometimes they get the chills
One thing I do know
Is that you will be smart
You will not lack common sense
And you will have a heart
You are gonna look just like me
Beautiful eyes and curly hair
Oh, you never know the possibilities
Of what you and your siblings will look like
But one thing I do know
Is that youāll definitely know how to ride a bike
Happiness was a facade
I still maintained decent grades
All thanks to God
When you want something
Youāll do anything to go after that dream
Nothing will stop you
No matter how hard it may seem
I know you will be a goal-getter
And no matter what
I will be there for the worse or the better
Iāve always wondered
What kind of mother I would be
I want to expand your intellect abundantly
I want to take you places Iāve never been
When I was I was five
Places in which it required you to dive
I want to be there for you
For every step that you take
Iād love you so much
Our bond would never break
What will you become when you grow up?
A doctor, lawyer, or nurse?
It really doesnāt matter
Because I will always put you first
And no matter what ever you become
I know you I wonāt run you away from me
Because some things canāt be undone
Iām doing everything I can now
So you donāt have to worry
To you, that is my first vow
High school was complicated
I make some mistakes
I made friends with the wrong crowd
They were nothing but fakes
Mixed with peer pressure
I donāt regret anything in the past
It made me into the person I am today
While Iāll be in first, theyāll be in last
I wouldnāt change a thing
Just in case any one asked
Iāve always wondered
If my parents didnāt split
And I hadnāt been emotionally damaged
Would I have wanted to quit?
As a kid it was cute to act out
But as a teenager
Thatās when really I had self-doubt
Could I really finish school?
Ditching classes and fighting
At the time, thatās what I thought was cool
You would be a smart little one
Yes, you would indeed
I believe that you will
Because we are of the same breed
You can do what you want willingly
And be of great success
You will be molded prolifically
And be nothing but the best
While handling grace with simplicity
Youāll be the complete opposite from the rest
Authorās note:
This poem is dedicated to my future child(ren). I include moments where I talk about what I went through as a child, as well as how it impacted me in the future. I explained that my parents did fail me in a way and I would never put that burden on my future children. This is a revision of Unit One, the educational essay. In said essay, I explained how my education and learning was impacted because my parents split when I wasĀ about six years old. In this poem, I am promising my future child or children that I wonāt let history repeat itself.
The title āTriggeredā was inspired by JhenĆ© Aikoās newest song āTriggeredā. On May 7th, 2019, she took to Instagram her feelings on this song. To me, one of her themes is being free and letting all of her feelings out; which is exactly what I wanted to do. Not to mention, she is my favorite singer. I also named the poem āTriggeredā because the moments with my parents were a gigantic trigger in my early educational years. It wasnāt easy, as a child, focusing on my school work with this occurrence in my life. This huge trigger bursted into smaller triggers, which is what I experienced throughout high school. By this, I am saying that the big trigger, my parents splitting, lead into smaller problems that expanded from the bigger one, such as cutting class, peer pressure, etc. This was my way of letting go and expressing myself.
Triggered Draft
Iāve always wondered
What kind of mother I would be
Would I be strict?
Or would I be carefree?
Iāve always wondered
Would I love you to the moon and back?
Or will I be like my mom and dad
and lack
Certain qualities necessary to love a child?
Hmm.. nah, I never be that wild
Mom and Dad argued so much
When my sister and I came home from school
We never had much luck
I rarely seen them hug and kiss
They were just arguing mules
Days and years going of through this
I might as well have
Sunken myself into a deep abyss
Maybe Iāve said too much? Or maybe not
But you get the gist
In high school I got so many memories
Triggers and flashbacks of what used to be
And it made me act out
Not being the best student I that could be
Not pushing myself and seeing me at my best
My potential was there but I was just a mess
Hanging around the wrong crowd
Not caring about any consequence
But when I all came down,
I was on my own defense
Iāve always wondered
What kind of mother I would be
Would I be scared
because itās all so new?
would I be ecstatic after pushing you out
Enjoying my view?
A couple of my friends are new mothers
And sometimes I ask how it feels
They say it feels different than before
And sometimes they get the chills
One thing I do know
Is that you will be smart
You will not lack common sense
And you will have a heart
You are gonna look just like me
Beautiful eyes and curly hair
Oh, you never know the possibilities
Of what you and your siblings will look like
But one thing I do know
Is that youāll definitely know how to ride a bike
Iāve always wondered
What kind of mother I would be
I donāt know
But I want to expand your intellect abundantly
I want to take you places Iāve never been
When I was I was five
Unit #4 Proposal
My proposal is based off my Unit 1 writing, the educational essay. I will be writing a letter to my future children Ā because my parents were the topic of discussion in the educational essay. In unit one, I explained how my parents’ relationship put a strain on my childhood and teenage years in school. In unit four, my letter to my future children will include a speech to them describing how my parents impacted my education, and how I will want to impact theirs prolifically. There is a lot of things my parents haven’t done for me and my sister as children. I want to write this letter ensuring that my children will never worry about their educational ability as I did. I think I will maybe get closure from writing this letter being that I don’t live with my parents; so I never really let out my feelings to them the way I really wanted to. But knowing I can be the greatest parent I can be and uplift my children’s educational motivation would be more than enough closure for me.
ACTING OUT – REVISED
Iāve always loved school. I loved learning. I loved being able to come home every evening knowing that I learned something new. Iāve always wanted to become a Nurse Practitioner. It was in my nature to always help someone in need. And it was a bigger picture than the money. Wouldnāt you want someone to help you in your time of need? I knew I wanted to become an NP ever since I was young. People always told me I was destined to be in the medical field, and I believed them, and I still do.
I remember being in grade school, always coming to school with a long face. No one had suspected that I was unhappy. I was unhappy with my mom, unhappy at my dad, and generally everything else in my life. Was that a weird thing to say being that I was only around 6 years old at that time? My parents fought all the time; and I donāt think they realized how much it would impact me and my sisterās lives by watching them argue and bicker 24/7.Ā Ā
One evening, my aunt dropped my sister and I home from school. I was in such a great mood because I’d just won a spelling bee. I was ecstatic and ready to show my mom. I came running down the kitchen hallway.
“Mommy! Mommy! Look!” I yelled loud enough for her to hear me. She looked slightly bothered, as if she really didn’t care to look at my award. I practically shoved it in her face and she barged out a fake smile. My father was there too, and he also looked uneasy.
“Thats great!” He was referring to my award. How dry of a compliment was that? “Go in your room Bobo, your mother and I need to speak.” My dad called me Bobo, and still does, because I would always wear bubbles in my hair. I walked into the room that my sister and I shared.
“Is Mommy and Daddy mad at us?” my sister asked.
“No, they’re just talking..” I said quietly.
I peeked my head out of our bedroom door and overhear my parents, now arguing. I couldn’t hear exactly what the quarrel was about, but I knew it would lead into something very huge. My sister was trying to get a view over my head, but I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t want myself seeing what what going on between my parents, but I figured it was better than my sister seeing it.
The arguing was getting louder and louder. Before you ask the question, yes. It was. It was going on every day, if not that, then every other day. Then I saw my dad storm out of the house. All that was left there was a stuck mother, two scared kids, and an awful amount of silence. After a few minutes, I went to comfort my mom. She seemed like the victim, but years later I would soon come to find out that was quite the opposite.
My parents eventually went to court and fought for custody of me and Alena, who was 4 at the time. Who ever said that household wellbeing didnāt affect a childās academic wellbeing lied. My dad gained custody, with my mom having visitation rights every weekend. My mom moved to Washington, D.C. shortly after, which meant visitation rights were only once a month, if my sister and I were lucky.
About 5 years later, my dad moved out and married his high school sweet heart. Ironic, right? That left my Aunt Natalie, my dadās older sister, to raise me and Alena. I loved my parents, but this settlement had caused me to grow a loathing feeling for them. This wasnāt supposed to happen…but it did. I was a wonderful student, but, I was unhappy because of what my parents had put me through. I began to act out in school, and soon would be later on in life, outside of school. I became more distracted and grew an even shorter attention span than what I already had.
Growing up with my aunt was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. When I turned 17, she gave me the best gift ever, which was no more curfew. I know it may seem like something minor, but for a teenager who āran the streets,ā as my aunt would say, it was a more than sufficient gift. The only agreement that we made was to call her to make her aware of my last known location. This was in case I was in danger. My aunt was one of those paranoid guardians who always watched those I.D. channels where people go on killing and kidnapping sprees.
I excelled in high school and I knew that nothing would be stopping me from going to college and obtaining my Nursing degree. However, misery loves company. Somewhere along my high school years, Iāve befriended many people who were not really my friends. They were merely people who were lost, unhappy souls that needed to fester off people who were already happy, or at least on the road to being happy. Thatās where I was at. Looking back at the past, I wondered many times why I would hang on to a group of people that I didnāt see in my life in 10 years. Then I figured out. Although I had a family that loved me to the best of their ability, I was still missing that love that I needed from my parents. My mom wasnāt there, and my dad was there, but, he wasnāt THERE.
I began breaking curfew times, which were probably midnight or 1am. Again, I went through this phase of āacting outā. I stopped being family oriented for a while, ran around with my āfriendsā doing things that wouldnāt benefit them nor myself. I became this angry person that I didnāt like at all. For one semester, my grades even dropped from Aās and high Bās to mid or low Cās. That doesnāt seem like such terrible grades; though, for a person who was always an A student, it seemed like I was failing. Itās as if I wanted to hang around my friends all the time, but keep a great track record in school. When I was 17, my friends and I had gotten into a fight in public. I was arrested, but later let free because Iād never been in cuffs before. I. constantly fought in high school, and as much as I tried to stay away from the drama, it couldn’t stay away from me.
In 2015, I graduated with an average of 84. I knew that if I wanted to become a Nurse, I couldnāt act the way I previously did in high school. I isolated my self from those high school āfriendsā and set my own path. It took me a while, about two years to mentally prepare myself for college, and I asked my self if I was really ready to intake what is destined for me. I was.
I never understood what it was like as a parent to split from your family. I was so mad at my parents for so long, until I was aware of what it was like for them. They didnāt split because they didnāt love me and my sister. They were still young and they needed the time apart to focus on themselves and establish a fulfilling life. They had infidelity issues, which occurred on my mom’s end; and I finally realized she was barely the victim in the case of my parents arguments. I learned many things in school, however, I think life was and still is my greatest lesson. I thank my parents because their situation forced me to grow up faster, and learn so much more at such a young age. Never let obstacles completely halt your aspirations. Facing my obstacles made me realize that there is so much to live for and so much to work hard for. Always push forward to achieve your dreams, because you will not only make yourself happy; the ones that really love you and are rooting for you will also be ecstatic when you cross that finish line.
I currently go to New York City College of Technology to continue my education to become a Nurse and, soon after, a Nurse Practitioner. I realized that no one will live your life for you, so you must accomplish what you want. You cannot let past boundaries define your future. You must remember that your dream will only reflect your reality if you put in the work to earn it. My life is a book; my experiences that lead to better days are written with pen, my experiences that lead to mistakes are written with a pencil, and the pages will be blank, ready for the experiences that Iāve yet to undergo.
Research Memo
My group and I will be presenting high rent as our topic of discussion for community problems. It is a known fact that New York Ā City’s rent is extremely high. Rent throughout the 5 boroughs generally fluctuates, but the average price for a one bedroom in NYC is typically $2000. Each one of my group members researched different aspects of high rent, such as gentrification or where all of this extra money we pay for rent is even going. Ā I researched ways young adults can budget their money to afford the high rented apartments in NYC. However, budgeting isn’t as easy as it seems.
According to my research, one way to budget your money as someone finding it hard to live in NYC is the 50-20-30 rule. The 50-20-3o rule is a budgeting tool designed to help people budget their weekly, bi-weekly, monthly etc income. 50% of your income goes to your needs, which is considered to be your rent, transportation and food. 20% goes to your savings. So this category includes your student loans, debts, 401k, IRA payments, and general savings. The remaining 30% would go to your wants. This can be new shoes, your phone bill, etc.
However, this might not be ideal for a young adult from the ages of 20 to 26. However, this may vary because everyone’s lives is different. 20% isn’t nearly enough to put into savings with NYC and its high living expenses. Also, it might be hard to save even 20% with the extreme rent prices. According to my article, people generally recommend saving 10% to 15% to put away that extra money for the rent. As I previously stated, this might not work for everyone.
For this reason, I believe the 50-20-30 rule should be 60-20-20 for people living in NYC, especially young adults. I think it is a good idea to balance Ā your savings and spendings on wants. Overall, I think the 50-20-30 rule is a great template to budget your money. This would be a great way to Ā help young adults or anyone with troubling rent prices in New York City.
āLiving in NYC: 101ā
Thank You, Kendrick
One afternoon, while I was working as a hostess in a restaurant, I overheard a song by Kendrick Lamar on the speakers. I only heard about two minutes of this lengthy 12-minute song. But, within those two minutes, I knew it was a song that I had to constantly play. I adored the soothing tone of his voice, and that is what made me fall in love with this song. No, not a song, a story. āSing About Me, Iām Dying of Thirstā is composed of two parts. The interesting fact about Part One, āSing About Meā is that it is broken down into three points of view. Part Two āIām Dying of Thirstā includes a skit and ties back into the lyrics of Part One. Kendrick not only raps about todayās social issues; he raps about the social issues heās personally gone through, as well as his friends, and how he overcomes these trials and tribulations.
I love Kendrick Lamar as lyricist because he is cut from a different cloth than todayās rappers. In my opinion, he is undeniably one of the greatest hip hop artists of his generation. I say this because all of his music is a story. He is not the usual artist that youāll hear on the radio rapping about having sex with women, smoking weed or drinking āleanā, finding himself in trouble with the law or getting to the money. At least, youāll probably never hear him rapping about these topics as a means for fun; heās actually mentioned these topics to tell his story to his listeners to make them aware of the everyday life of a Compton teenager, even though we may just listen for entertainment.
What makes āSing About Me, Iām Dying of Thirstā so fascinating is one: it actually happened, two, this song ties into the whole album, which is a story line, and three, Kendrick wrote this song with three different points of view. In verse one, Kendrick is rapping, in his friendās [named Dave] brotherās point of view. The brotherās name was never told; however, it is obvious he is speaking to Kendrick.
āJust promise me youāll tell this story when you make it bigā¦ā ~ Verse One, Part I
He is telling Kendrick that he wants him to share his story with the world when he became famous. He tells the story of his brother getting shot right before him and his friends, including Kendrick. He also goes on to say how much he loved Kendrick for being a brother to his brother and for being there for him and his brother during the time of his death, as Kendrick is the one who held Dave in his arms as he was bleeding out. This verse was an example of a heavily common social issue, gun violence. Gun violence also corresponds with gang violence in this case. Kendrick raps:
āThis Piru shit been in me forever
So forever Iāma push it, wherever, wheneverā¦ā ~Verse One, Part I
This clearly meant that Daveās brother was gang-affiliated. This was more than common growing up in the 90ās and 2000ās in the wicked streets of Compton. Daveās brotherās tone is angry and resentful towards the guys that killed his brother. It is also a tone of love admiration. As stated previously, Daveās brother loved Kendrick as if Kendrick was his own brother. He says:
āI wonder if Iāll ever discover a passion like you and recover
The life that I knew as a younginā;
In pajamas and dun-ta-dunsā ~Verse One, Part I
This conveys that Daveās brotherās wants to find āa way outā like Kendrick did with his music. Unfortunately, he never did. The verse ends with Kendrick rapping, and being interrupted by the sound of gunshots, indicating that Daveās brotherās life was also cut short due to gun violence.
Verse two sums up the story of a teenage girl who follows in the footsteps of her older sister, Keisha. Again, the point of view is in that of Keishaās younger sister but rapped by Kendrick Lamar. Unlike Daveās brother, Keishaās sister did not want Kendrick to sing about her. He starts the verse off by saying:
āYou wrote a song about my sister on your tape
And called it Section. 80
The message resembled āBrendaās Got A Babyā ~Verse Two, Part I
In Kendrick Lamarās 2011 album āSection.80ā, he wrote āKeishaās Song (Her Pain)ā, which was a story about a woman he knew, named Keisha. At the time, she was a 17-year-old prostitute. The message of the song was similar to Tupac Shakurās āBrendaās Got A Babyā, a story based on 12-year-old Brenda who got pregnant, became a prostitute for money and was slain. āKeishaās Songā was a story that told the life of Keisha as a prostitute, with the same outcome as Brenda. The lines after this clearly show Keishaās sisterās tone of disapproval after hearing the song about her very own sister. Keisha and her sister were prostitutes, and Kendrick did not mention that so abruptly; but there were parts of Verse two that hinted the profession of Keishaās sister, which stood out to me:
āEven if I got to fuck, suck and swallow
In the parking lot, Gonzales Park, I’m followed
By a married man, and father of three
My titties bounce on the cadence of his tinklin’ keys
Matter of fact, he my favorite ’cause he tip me with E’sā ~Verse Two, Part I
This is one instance where a listener would find out that sheās a prostitute. Kendrickās use of Eās is a homophone because this shows that he tips her easily because sheās a good prostitute and also tips her with ecstasy. Keishaās sister is a teenager herself, and this is proved when she speaks upon running away from her foster home and not missing it; she believed that she was just another girl whose life was damaged by the system. She also shows a tone of slight regret and felt that if she was brought up by a family that actually loved and supported her, then maybe she would have learned to respect her body and become a woman, a leader.
Keishaās sisterās tone of loathe is persistent throughout the verse. It became clear that her and Daveās brother had opposing tones. Daveās brother wanted Kendrick to tell their story when he made it big. It appeared that Keishaās sister did not:
āā¦what point are you tryna gain
If you can’t fit the pumps I walk in?
I’ll waitā¦ Your rebuttal a little too late
And if you have a album date, just make sure I’m not in the songā¦ā ~Verse Two, Part I
Verse three is more centralized on Kendrick on verge of life and death. The tone of this verse is very unhappy, disgusted with himself as he stares into his reflection, and it becomes worse and worse every time he stares. It, more or less, becomes the rebuttal that Keishaās sister claims (verse 2) was ālateā. He reflects on both instances in verses one and two:
āAnd you’re right, your brother was a brother to me
And your sister’s situation was the one that pulled me
In a direction to speak on somethin’
That’s realer than the TV screenā ~Verse Three, Part I
The first line aimed at Daveās brother, and corroborates verse one, which mentions that Daveās brother sees Kendrick as a brother of his own. He is making sure that heās telling Daveās story and his because it is something that should be heard. The next three lines, and some after that, explain that Kendrick didnāt sing about Keisha to put her business out there and judging. It was instances like Daveās and Keishaās (and ultimately their brotherās and sisterās) that drove Kendrick to focus on his music, and not the sad life of the Compton streets. Kendrick hopes that one day, when he dies or retires, that someone will rap about his legendary days as a rapper, just as people do now with BIG and Tupac:
āā¦And hope that at least one of you sing about me when I’m gone
Am I worth it? Did I put enough work in?ā ~Verse Three, Part I
At this point in the song, Part oneās (Sing About Me) beat is simmering down and the skit is arising. In the skit, Dave had just been killed due to gun violence, and Kendrick and friends are trying to figure out if they want revenge or to run. Daveās brother concludes the skit by fumingly yelling that heās tired of running. Kendrick starts off Part two (Iām Dying of Thirst) by stating:
āTired of runnin’, tired of huntin’
My own kind, but retirin’ nothin’ā ~Verse One, Part II
This is a never-ending cycle of violence in the black community; this is black-on-black violence that he partakes in because of the death of his friend. āRetirinā nothināā is in reference to not losing anything of value (besides involved loved-ones) after this is all said and done. Essentially, nothing is gained from violence.
Part two more so shows Kendrickās relationship with God.
āMy momma say “See, a pastor give me a promise
What if today was the rapture and you completely tarnished?
The truth will set you free, so to me be completely honest
You dyin’ of thirst, you dyin’ of thirst
So, hop in that water, and pray that it works.”
This is in reference to holy water. Kendrick is seeking salvation; he is talking about being baptized with the spirit of the Lord. The tone of Part two is reflective, and Kendrick just wants forgiveness from God.
I enjoyed listening to this song the first time; and I felt exactly the same way after dozens of listens. What I learned about Kendrick Lamar, and more so on this song, is that it ties into the whole album. Kendrick Lamar is very descriptive, and I believe that is what drew me into this song out of millions I could have chosen from. Not only did he tell a story of four people he deeply cared about, he made people aware of their situation of gun/gang violence and prostitution. I love music; however, I donāt listen to a lot of songs that will tell the story of the person rapping it. I will never have that problem with Kendrick Lamar.
One afternoon, while I was working as a hostess in a restaurant, I overheard a song by Kendrick Lamar on the speakers. I only heard about two minutes of this lengthy 12-minute song. But, within those two minutes, I knew it was a song that I had to constantly play. I adored the soothing tone of his voice, and that is what made me fall in love with this song. No, not a song, a story. āSing About Me, Iām Dying of Thirstā is composed of two parts. The interesting fact about Part One, āSing About Meā is that it is broken down into three points of view. Part Two āIām Dying of Thirstā includes a skit and ties back into the lyrics of Part One. Kendrick not only raps about todayās social issues; he raps about the social issues heās personally gone through, as well as his friends, and how he overcomes these trials and tribulations.
I love Kendrick Lamar as lyricist because he is cut from a different cloth than todayās rappers. In my opinion, he is undeniably one of the greatest hip hop artists of his generation. I say this because all of his music is a story. He is not the usual artist that youāll hear on the radio rapping about having sex with women, smoking weed or drinking āleanā, finding himself in trouble with the law or getting to the money. At least, youāll probably never hear him rapping about these topics as a means for fun; heās actually mentioned these topics to tell his story to his listeners to make them aware of the everyday life of a Compton teenager, even though we may just listen for entertainment.
What makes āSing About Me, Iām Dying of Thirstā so fascinating is one: it actually happened, two, this song ties into the whole album, which is a story line, and three, Kendrick wrote this song with three different points of view. In verse one, Kendrick is rapping, in his friendās [named Dave] brotherās point of view. The brotherās name was never told; however, it is obvious he is speaking to Kendrick.
āJust promise me youāll tell this story when you make it bigā¦ā ~ Verse One
He is telling Kendrick that he wants him to share his story with the world when he became famous. He tells the story of his brother getting shot right before him and his friends, including Kendrick. He also goes on to say how much he loved Kendrick for being a brother to his brother and for being there for him and his brother during the time of his death, as Kendrick is the one who held Dave in his arms as he was bleeding out. This verse was an example of a heavily common social issue, gun violence. Gun violence also corresponds with gang violence in this case. Kendrick raps:
āThis Piru shit been in me forever
So forever Iāma push it, wherever, wheneverā¦ā ~Verse One
This clearly meant that Daveās brother was gang-affiliated. This was more than common growing up in the 90ās and 2000ās in the wicked streets of Compton. Daveās brotherās tone is angry and resentful towards the guys that killed his brother. It is also a tone of love admiration. As stated previously, Daveās brother loved Kendrick as if Kendrick was his own brother. He says:
āI wonder if Iāll ever discover a passion like you and recover
The life that I knew as a youngin;
In pajamas and dun-ta-dunsā ~Verse One
This conveys that Daveās brother wants to find āa way outā like Kendrick did with his music. Unfortunately, he never did.
Acting Out (REVISED)
Iāve always loved school. I loved learning. I loved being able to come home every evening knowing that I learned something new. Iāve always wanted to become a Nurse Practitioner. It was in my nature to always help someone in need. And it was a bigger picture than the money. Wouldnāt you want someone to help you in your time of need? I knew I wanted to become an NP ever since I was young. People always told me I was destined to be in the medical field, and I believed them, and I still do.
I remember being in grade school, always coming to school with a long face. No one had suspected that I was unhappy. I was unhappy with my mom, unhappy at my dad, and generally everything else in my life. Was that a weird thing to say being that I was only around 6 years old at that time? My parents fought all the time; and I donāt think they realized how much it would impact me and my sisterās lives by watching them argue and bicker 24/7.Ā Ā
One evening, my aunt dropped my sister and I home from school. I was in such a great mood because I’d just won a spelling bee. I was ecstatic and ready to show my mom. I came running down the kitchen hallway.
“Mommy! Mommy! Look!” I yelled loud enough for her to hear me. She looked slightly bothered, as if she really didn’t care to look at my award. I practically shoved it in her face and she barged out a fake smile. My father was there too, and he also looked uneasy.
“Thats great!” He was referring to my award. How dry of a compliment was that? “Go in your room Bobo, your mother and I need to speak.” My dad called me Bobo, and still does, because I would always wear bubbles in my hair. I walked into the room that my sister and I shared.
“Is Mommy and Daddy mad at us?” my sister asked.
“No, they’re just talking..” I said quietly.
I peeked my head out of our bedroom door and overhear my parents, now arguing. I couldn’t hear exactly what the quarrel was about, but I knew it would lead into something very huge. My sister was trying to get a view over my head, but I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t want myself seeing what what going on between my parents, but I figured it was better than my sister seeing it.
The arguing was getting louder and louder. Before you ask the question, yes. It was. It was going on every day, if not that, then every other day. Then I saw my dad storm out of the house. All that was left there was a stuck mother, two scared kids, and an awful amount of silence. After a few minutes, I went to comfort my mom. She seemed like the victim, but years later I would soon come to find out that was quite the opposite.
My parents eventually went to court and fought for custody of me and Alena, who was 4 at the time. Who ever said that household wellbeing didnāt affect a childās academic wellbeing lied. My dad gained custody, with my mom having visitation rights every weekend. My mom moved to Washington, D.C. shortly after, which meant visitation rights were only once a month, if my sister and I were lucky.
About 5 years later, my dad moved out and married his high school sweet heart. Ironic, right? That left my Aunt Natalie, my dadās older sister, to raise me and Alena. I loved my parents, but this settlement had caused me to grow a loathing feeling for them. This wasnāt supposed to happen…but it did. I was a wonderful student, but, I was unhappy because of what my parents had put me through. I began to act out in school, and soon would be later on in life, outside of school. I became more distracted and grew an even shorter attention span than what I already had.
Growing up with my aunt was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. When I turned 17, she gave me the best gift ever, which was no more curfew. I know it may seem like something minor, but for a teenager who āran the streets,ā as my aunt would say, it was a more than sufficient gift. The only agreement that we made was to call her to make her aware of my last known location. This was in case I was in danger. My aunt was one of those paranoid guardians who always watched those I.D. channels where people go on killing and kidnapping sprees.Ā
I excelled in high school and I knew that nothing would be stopping me from going to college and obtaining my Nursing degree. However, misery loves company. Somewhere along my high school years, Iāve befriended many people who were not really my friends. They were merely people who were lost, unhappy souls that needed to fester off people who were already happy, or at least on the road to being happy. Thatās where I was at. Looking back at the past, I wondered many times why I would hang on to a group of people that I didnāt see in my life in 10 years. Then I figured out. Although I had a family that loved me to the best of their ability, I was still missing that love that I needed from my parents. My mom wasnāt there, and my dad was there, but, he wasnāt THERE.
I began breaking curfew times, which were probably midnight or 1am. Again, I went through this phase of āacting outā. I stopped being family oriented for a while, ran around with my āfriendsā doing things that wouldnāt benefit them nor myself. I became this angry person that I didnāt like at all. For one semester, my grades even dropped from Aās and high Bās to mid or low Cās. That doesnāt seem like such terrible grades; though, for a person who was always an A student, it seemed like I was failing. Itās as if I wanted to hang around my friends all the time, but keep a great track record in school. When I was 17, my friends and I had gotten into a fight in public. I was arrested, but later let free because Iād never been in cuffs before. I. constantly fought in high school, and as much as I tried to stay away from the drama, it couldn’t stay away from me.
In 2015, I graduated with an average of 84. I knew that if I wanted to become a Nurse, I couldnāt act the way I previously did in high school. I isolated my self from those high school āfriendsā and set my own path. It took me a while, about two years to mentally prepare myself for college, and I asked my self if I was really ready to intake what is destined for me. I was.Ā
I never understood what it was like as a parent to split from your family. I was so mad at my parents for so long, until I was aware of what it was like for them. They didnāt split because they didnāt love me and my sister. They were still young and they needed the time apart to focus on themselves and establish a fulfilling life. They had infidelity issues, which occurred on my mom’s end; and I finally realized she was barely the victim in the case of my parents arguments. I learned many things in school, however, I think life was and still is my greatest lesson. I thank my parents because their situation forced me to grow up faster, and learn so much more at such a young age. Never let obstacles completely halt your aspirations. Facing my obstacles made me realize that there is so much to live for and so much to work hard for. Always push forward to achieve your dreams, because you will not only make yourself happy; the ones that really love you and are rooting for you will also be ecstatic when you cross that finish line.Ā
I currently go to New York City College of Technology to continue my education to become a Nurse and, soon after, a Nurse Practitioner. I realized that no one will live your life for you, so you must accomplish what you want. You cannot let past boundaries define your future. You must remember that your dream will only reflect your reality if you put in the work to earn it. My life is a book; my experiences that lead to better days are written with pen, my experiences that lead to mistakes are written with a pencil, and the pages will be blank, ready for the experiences that Iāve yet to undergo.