- I will use the mentor quote prompt and the saved prompt.
- The main idea of my education narrative will be showing my earlier stages of being a teenager(very lazy), and then taking my fathers words and motivation to do better academic and real world wise.
- OUTLINE:
I. Intro: (opening) Mentor Quote from my father telling me that if I want something in life I gotta go get it.
II. Event 1. it was 2019, the year i was going into high school
III. Event 2: i was at a car show in manhattan
IV. Event 3: i was in grade 10 when i started to really take my grades more serious
V. Conclusion: me being saved, i always kept those words with me and while still pursuing all my dreams from different angles.
VI. Overall Message: The overall message is as you get older you see that the people around you should be pushing you for better not to stay in the same position they met you in. In life you will succeed if you lock in.
4. Opening for my essay (TWO paragraphs):
“if you want it, you gotta get it by any means.”
It was my father who said that to me when I was about fourteen. We was at a car show at Jacob Javits, in manhattan, my little brother was also there. The cars around me were worth hundreds of thousands, and beauty. The real gems were on stage spinning like a prize, yellow 2020 Porsche 911 Carrera s, silver 2020 Mercedes-Benz GLS 580, Genesis G70 and so much more. The interior’s was really something to see…, motivation to my eyes. Although he said what he said it never really had a move on me till later on.
When I think back to the saying now, it was for the better but back then I wasn’t trying to hear that I wanted it handed to me. I was lazy, didn’t like doing much at all. School wasn’t a strong suit for me at all. This was when I was beginning high school and no I wasn’t failing all my classes just one class, the lazy was more so from the teachers I had and school i went to. My grades wasn’t the best but I was most definitely not failing just hated going, and then that hate of going became my reality, I barely was going in the mist of me being there at school I would go home anyways. These words helped me move forward by him showing me that being determined to something or pursuing my ambitions gives purpose. I started moving forward in my life by actually looking for my future steps and my start to getting my dream in life. I started looking at colleges and trade schools but I ended in college first, but trade school is what comes after this. I major in Architectural technology and in trade school Im going to either be an electrician or mechanic.
Have you used my previous comments on HW 3? I copy here:
“If you want it, you gotta get it by any means[.” Need a period]
It was my father who said that to me when i was younger . We was at a car show in manhattan, my little brother was also there. The cars around me were worths hundreds of thousands, and beauty. motivation in my eyes. Although he said what he said it never really had a move on me till later on. – WHAT names of cars? Colors of cars? Were the cars up on a stage? SHOW me what a car show is like – create theatre of the mind for your reader!SHOW me with CSD. WHAT type of car-beauty do you mean? SHOW ME the beauty of the car world! Jacob Javitz center – WHERE was the car show?
When i think about the saying now, it was for the better of myself. A while ago I was lazy, didn’t like doing much at all. School wasn’t a strong suit for me, i just wanted things to come to me. [CSD needed – were you failing classes? Were you lazy – SHOW me what the lazy Ethan was like! What grade was this time?]
These words helped me move forward by him showing me that being determined to something or pursuing my ambitions gives purpose. The quote wasn’t just for goals it was also used in my academic field also. Just hearing the saying in my head makes want to keep going for my degree and knowledge. You say “held me move forward”. WHAT were the next steps that show you moving forward? What events show you being transformed into a more serious student? What classes show your improvement?
Truly all of this continues to impact me in college because i know this is where it all starts. At the time my dad told me this, we both had a big liking in cars and fast toys but he knew by telling me i would have to pursue my goals early. While that being said college is just the beginning to my journey and my 5 car garage/workshop. WHAT is this garage? Do you and your dad own a garage business? OR are you planning to major in a car-related field?
capitalize i!
You are important!
Work on sentence errors: Comma Splices
Is there a scene of you in school about to fail a class? You say “one class” — Which class? What was happening in your school life to show that you were lazy/under-performing?
Why is a car show the opening scene? Are you going to be a car designer? A mechanical engineer? SHOW me why cars are important, so important that you are choosing to write cars into your opening scene.
Please use my comments from HW 3.
Unclear sentence and sentence errors here: When i think back to the saying now, it was for the better of myself, back then i wasn’t trying to hear that I wanted it handed to me.