I will choose the saved prompt.
The main idea of my educational narrative will be that my mom inspired me to work hard and she even influenced my career path.
Outline:
- Intro: Opening scene describes how my mom would prepare breakfast for us every morning before school. She would make snacks for me while I studied which means a lot and helped keep me going.
- Event 1: Mom bought me Minecraft and sims to play when I was young which blossomed my creativity and interest in construction.
- Event 2: Mom started house construction in Ecuador and it inspired me to pursue construction management in real life.
- Event 3: Mom encouraged me to go to city tech when I wanted to go far for college because I went to a business high school and was confused but I listened to her.
- Conclusion: I’m in college now and love my major. My mom is still so supportive and now I’m the one preparing her snacks or her lunch for work. We work together on construction projects and I keep her up to date with new programs she can use like Revit and Autocad.
Opening:Â
The mornings were my favorite part of the day whilst growing up. Waking up to the smell of rice with egg and freshly made Colombian coffee. Hearing the tv play Despierta America and my mom calling us to wake up. She was always there, supporting us in everything we did. Even when I was studying my mom would bring me snacks or a coffee to keep me awake. These constant gestures is what supported me to get where I am today.
From a young age, my mother instilled independence in me and my sisters. She would constantly remind us to study and work hard so that we would never have to depend on anyone. Part of me knows she was just doing what any mother would do, which is encourage their kids to do well in school. But another part of me knows she’s speaking from experience and regret. My mother was an architect in Ecuador but when she came to the US and had kids, she and my father decided it would be best for her to stay home and he would provide. When things became complicated within our household and their marriage, my mom found it extremely difficult to leave due to her lack of a solid foundation. It’s not one specific moment that my mom saved me, but rather all the small things she does and says that have guided me through my educational journey. It’s also the feeling I get from making her proud that motivates me to keep going. I remember when I was younger I would show her the houses I would build on Minecraft or the Sims and she would always be so amazed. That feeling for me was priceless and it manifested into my career path now. When I’m making floor plans or 3D models of houses on AUTOCAD or Revit, I always show my mom when I’m done and I love seeing the look on her face when she looks over it. My mom has saved me countless times and she continues to do so and I’m so lucky to have her.
This is an beautiful story, you have an amazing mother and we can see she wishes the best for you and your journey.
I am not sure you have a story here. There doesnt’ seem to be events that support the idea that your mom is your support system. Can you find some events that show your mom SAVING you? I like the idea that it’s in the small things that she does that your mom influences you. But aren’t there BIG ways she has helped you? Not just making breakfast.
Notice that you are mainly telling or reporting; instead, you need to SHOW me with a few scenes.
Your outline seems more like you are just telling me or reporting to me. Remember think about what events could be scenes. THINK about how Amy Tan created a scene of herself and her mom on the phone to the stockbroker. THINK about how Obama opens his essay with the cafeteria scene showing his convo with Ray.
I see you put this as Event 1, so turn it into a scene: I remember when I was younger I would show her the houses I would build on Minecraft or the Sims and she would always be so amazed.
OR
SHOW me a scene of you college student working on a CAD project and your mom being amazed. Is this a possible scene?
What is your overall message? It can’t just be: I’m in college now and love my major. My mom is still so supportive and now I’m the one preparing her snacks or her lunch for work. We work together on construction projects and I keep her up to date with new programs she can use like Revit and Autocad.
Have you read my earlier comments from HW 3? I copy them here again:
Ok I see here that you owe a lot to your mom. She must be a very special person.
NOW – c an you notice that you are only TELLING me a bunch of stuff. Instead you need to SHOW me with CSD concrete specific details and with scenes and dialogue. What is your story? Where are the events that show me your mom saving you?
You say your mom has “saved you countless times” – Can you SHOW me a scene of a time your mom was your savior?
THINK about the scenes we are reading in our class texts. Find the scenes in your memory that could tell a story of your mom saving you inyour educational journey.