So before my Freshman year of high school started, the high school I went to has a program where they would have all these upcoming freshman to sign up during the summer to get to know their peers and teachers better since it will be a new environment for everyone. My parents forced me to join the program because I had nothing else to do during the summer. Later on I thank them because this program saved me in the future. During this program I got to meet and know quite a few people before the school year started, so we already had friend groups and everything. When school started I didn’t make any new friends during the first week, I only knew the friends I met during the summer.
A month has passed since the school year started, it was around October I forgot the reason but I felt so miserable throughout the month. I was in terrible mental state and I didn’t know what to do. Every day I would wake up feeling empty inside, no purpose in going to school or doing anything. Yet I had to leave my house otherwise my parents would still see me at home and scold me for not going to school. For the past 2 weeks I did not attend school which was awful. I jeopardized my grades including my attendance. Every day I would just ride the train back and forth. Some days I would go to a park or the piers. Then again I didn’t know what was going on in my head at the time. I didn’t talk to anyone about this or any of my middle school friends probably cause I haven’t talked to them ever since we graduated. Until one day I got a message from one of the kids I met at the summer program, he asked me where I was at and why wasn’t I coming to school. I told him about what was happening and how I was feeling. We talked for a couple hours. Had a sentimental talk and just life in general. I felt kind of happy in a way that I got to talk with someone and just be open to them. He later convinced me to come to school and which I did, I came back to school after 2 weeks of not showing up. Most of my teachers were not happy that I was not showing up to class. Afterwards I had to talk to a guidance counselor due the absences. I knew that if I kept this up I was going to go no where in life and it was pointless too. So I had to pick myself up and try to do well.
I’m glad I went to the summer program because there I met someone who is now my best friend till this day. I guess all I needed was someone to talk and if I never went to that summer program I wouldn’t have met this friend. He saved me from missing more days of school.
[note: I know this is a very corny story but it happened & I don’t know why I did I this]
I think that was very nice that at least one of the people you met in the summer program asked why you were missing so much school, I think it’s important to have someone look out for you.
Having someone look out for you the way this friend did, must have meant so much for you and it’s very nice to see that you had that.
This is a great story , in today’s generation, or the new name “Gen Z”. A lot of young adults are developing mental illness, usually common is depression and keeping themselves in solitude. I believe your story is a great representation of how finding a person to talk to can be a helpful tool for your mental and educational journey.
Ahsan: It’s not corny, it feels so true. Meeting/Having a good friend is an important event. Are you still friends with NAME? How has this friendship continued to save your help you in your life today? Can you add this in at the end. It might be a good way to close the essay.
· A better more interesting lead, a hook, for your introduction. What you have is just hum-drum boring. Try starting with a scene of the first day and meeting FRIEND NAME.
· Notice you are doing a lot of telling. Instead you need to SHOW me with a few well chosen scenes. Reach back into your memory. What events stand out in your mind? SHOW me — do not just tell me. Remember that scene with Malcolm X reading into the night while the prison guards keep watch. He made it seem suspenseful and exciting. You need to create THEATRE OF THE MIND for your reader.
· Paragraph breaks – Turn long blocks of texts into bite size pieces! NO reader wants to read huge long blocks of text. It’s hard on the eyes!
[This is a hum-drum beginning – you need to start in a better way] So before my Freshman year of high school started, the high school I went to has a program [WHAT is the name of program] where they would have all these upcoming freshman to sign up during the summer to get to know their peers and teachers better since it will be a new environment for everyone. My parents forced me to join the program because I had nothing else to do during the summer. Later on I thank them because this program saved me in the future.
You need a better way to start. Suggestion to start with a scene of the first day meeting people in this program.
During this program I got to meet and know quite a few people before the school year started, so we already had friend groups [Good place to create a scene with dialogue and your first meeting your FRIEND NAME] and everything. When school started I didn’t make any new friends during the first week, I only knew the friends I met during the summer.
A month has passed since the school year started, it was around October I forgot the reason but I felt so miserable throughout the month. I was in terrible mental state and I didn’t know what to do. Every day I would wake up feeling empty inside, no purpose in going to school or doing anything. Yet I had to leave my house otherwise my parents would still see me at home and scold me for not going to school.
[new par] For the past 2 weeks I did not attend school which was awful. I jeopardized my grades including my attendance. Every day I would just ride the train back and forth. [GOOD place to create a scene of your terrible mental state and of HOW you actually pretended to leave the house for school, SHOW me the train and the park and your thoughts of feeling so miserable] Some days I would go to a park or the piers. Then again I didn’t know what was going on in my head at the time. I didn’t talk to anyone about this or any of my middle school friends probably cause I haven’t talked to them ever since we graduated.
Until one day I got a message from one [WHO? Name, describe him, details of anything special about him] of the kids I met at the summer program, he asked me where I was at and why wasn’t I coming to school. I told him about what was happening and how I was feeling. We talked for a couple hours. [Was this a phone call or did you actually meet? WHAT did he say? WHAT did you say? SHOW me that conversation]. Had a sentimental talk and just life in general. I felt kind of happy in a way that I got to talk with someone and just be open to them. He later convinced me to come to school and which I did, I came back to school after 2 weeks of not showing up. Most of my teachers were not happy that I was not showing up to class. Afterwards I had to talk to a guidance counselor due the absences. I knew that if I kept this up I was going to go no where in life and it was pointless too. So I had to pick myself up and try to do well.
I’m glad I went to the summer program because there I met someone who is now my best friend till this day. I guess all I needed was someone to talk and if I never went to that summer program I wouldn’t have met this friend. He saved me from missing more days of school.
Is there more to this story? Did the friendship continue? A few closing words?
[note: I know this is a very corny story but it happened & I don’t know why I did I this]