A difficult moment in my educational journey is getting bullied in my early childhood years where I was a shy, quiet, and cry as a baby every time I get to school. At school, I will walk in the less crowded areas and sat in the corner where I have a best friend who knew me since I was in 1st grade in elementary school, we catch up with our summers and breaks and talk how we feel. When I walk in the door of the next class, there’s death stares looking at me and shaking legs unwilling to walk in until I was told to sit by the bullies who think they are popular. The difficult moment in my educational journey leading up me getting bullied is I have a hard past where I don’t want to talk to much about it and I’m afraid there’s some judgement after it. It starts out me and my family moving places to places like apartment to apartment to shelter to shelter to another shelter then housing then another housing which finally I finally have a place to stay like home. It’s been very stressful and difficult for my family where me and my sibling have balance school and home life without looking down on someone but we always get pick on. Once we talk about our difficult times, we will broke down into tears and we would get bullied. The bullies once said, “Haha, your family is poor and they can’t afford you anything. You should be in the street picking up garbage. Your family are trash and pick these trash up.” This makes me feel a huge breakdown but proud of myself and family where we never give up on hope and trust on God’s plans.
One day I had meet a group people who had changed my family and my life where our lives had changed and they would pay my school trips. The group of people were my middle principal and the assistant principal where they heard my voice when I told my guidance counselor who knew my problem since elementary school who saw me and my family problems. To overcome my fear, I will do zip lining, rock climbing, yell out my anger, and cry as a baby even through it’s embarrassing when there’s a lot of people around me. I started to changed myself by be more grateful for things and be able to love myself so I can be loved by someone who cares and loved me. Once my parents told me, “Once you learn how to love yourself, you are able to love others.” I still stuck to this lesson everyday to cheer myself and family. Being able to believe and trust myself, family, and my only God, Jesus. Being able to trust and believe them, I began to meet new friends and there’s always one friend who stuck to my side since day one when they meet me. So everyone, love yourself before you love someone else. Trust your heart and go for it even through the path is risk taking but don’t do bad things. In the Bible, on Proverbs chapter 23 verse 18, “There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.”
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It’s great to see how you overcame the bullying that you faced in your early years of school. I know it was tough, but you found the strength in yourself, your family, and your faith to love and believe in yourself. It’s inspiring to see how you have made new friends and found hope for the future. Keep trusting and believing in yourself, and remember that there is always hope for a better future.
Reading you work has been inspiring because I know it couldn’t have been easy for you. I’m glad you finished your writing with that verse because it’s extremely meaningful.
Woah I got motivation off reading this! I admire you and your strength. I can also relate to you a little bit growing up I also struggled with financial issues and even being evicted from my own house and having no where to go. But I agree love yourself before you love others.
Amy
OK this is a good start! This is the beginning of what can be a very good story of how being a part of WHAT organization [that took you on trips to zip or rock climb?] helped you or saved you. Now you need to add some good descriptive scenes and choose one place to add dialogue. Remember our reading of When I was Puerto Rican, Santiago created scenes that allowed the reader to really be there, to see and feel what Esmeralda felt and saw. So you do the same now. Create THEATRE OF THE MIND for your reader!
· paragraph breaks
· CSD Concrete Specific Details
· Create a few descriptive scenes that take your reader there to see, feel, hear what you did. Perhaps you can make two scenes: One of being bullied and a Second Scene of you doing the rock climbing or zip line and the freedom you felt and also showing me the new you, the more-confident Amy in a school situation. Remember this is an Eduation Narrative so tie in the ZipLine Activity and what you learned and relate that to your school life. Did you now stand up to the bullies? Did you now have confidence to disregard them? How was your school life better? What did you learn in those activities and how did you transfer that learning to make your school life better, happier?
· Remember don’t just tell me – SHOW me with good CSD to create descriptive language.
I will make suggestions on where you might do this:
[cut — A difficult moment in my educational journey is getting bullied in my early childhood years where I was a shy, quiet, and cry as a baby every time I get to school—cut]
START with an opening scene of you being bullied. Remember When I was Puerto Rican and how Santiago started with that scene of first day at new school in America. You do the same. Jump into an opening scene with CSD describing one day you were bullied. Put all the bullying parts together and create a scene to start and attract your reader’s attention.
At school, I [WHEN? HOW old were you?] will walk in the less crowded areas [WHERE? WHAT streets? In Chinatown NYC?] and sat in the corner where I have a best friend who knew me since I was in 1st grade in elementary school, we catch up with our summers and breaks and talk how we feel [SHOW me this nice calm conversation, then change to bullies showing up and destroying this calm talk]. [WHAT school – PS 121?] When I walk in the door of the next class, there’s death stares looking at me [good!] and shaking legs unwilling to walk in until I was told to sit by the bullies who think they are popular. [good – NOW can you describe more? Put all your parts about bullying up front and create a good opening scene of you being bullied]
If you feel comfortable enough, can you create a scene of this bullying episode –fight?– with dialogue. WHERE did this happen? WHO were the bullies? HOW did you act – SHOW me how the tears started in your eyes. SHOW me with CSD the “shy, quiet, and cry as a baby every time I get to school” that you used to be. Can you describe this scene with CSD? WHAT were you feelings? Did you talk back to the bullies? Were you too afraid to talk back? Was there some violence (hitting, slapping, a fight)? WHO was there to help you? Any adults, teachers, counselors? SHOW me; don’t just tell me!
The bullies once said, “Haha, your family is poor and they can’t afford you anything. You should be in the street picking up garbage. Your family are trash and pick these trash up.” [Good — NOW continue and SHOW what you said and HOW exactly this scene happened?]
[NOW PUT this part here] My family had been struggling with financial hardships. We were moving from places to places like apartment to apartment to shelter to shelter to another shelter then housing then another housing [until] I finally have a place to stay like home. I [WHAT did this feel like to you personally – don’t just say stressful. Explain how this effected yoru school life too. WHAT is it like to be on-the-move and trying to keep up with school work? OR another difficulty beside keeping up]. It’s been very stressful and difficult for my family where me and my sibling have balance school and home life [without looking down on someone better– without the other kids at school looking down on us] but we always get pick on. Once we [your whole family? Your siblings and you?] talk about our difficult times, we will broke down into tears and we would get bullied.
This makes me feel a huge breakdown but proud of myself and family where we never give up on hope and trust on God’s plans.
One day I had meet a group people [WHO are these people? Is this an organization? A church organization? School organization/group – WHAT is the name of this group?] who had changed my family and my life where our lives had changed and they would pay my school trips. The group of people were my middle principal and the assistant principal where they heard my voice when I told my guidance counselor who knew my problem since elementary school who saw me and my family problems. [Give some details about this organization? I don’t believe the principals could personally pay for these activities –zip,roc – so CLARIFY, make clear what is this organization and what is their mission to help families?]
To overcome my fear, I will do zip lining, rock climbing, yell out my anger, and cry as a baby even through it’s embarrassing when there’s a lot of people around me. [GOOD place to create a scene of the time you went to do zip line or rock climbing. WHERE? WHAT did the scenery – was it in the countryside– look like? WHAT did you see there? HOW did the zip line look and WHAT did you do? DESCRIBE with some CSD – Concrete Specific Details]
I started to changed myself by be more grateful for things and be able to love myself so I can be loved by someone who cares and loved me. [Add here WHAT changes did you feel in your school life? WHAT classes or school activities did you now change and have more confidance or be more happy? Make a connection to SHOW me you as a changed person at school.]
Once my parents told me, “Once you learn how to love yourself, you are able to love others.” I still stuck to this lesson everyday to cheer myself and family. Being able to believe and trust myself, family, and my only God, Jesus. Being able to trust and believe them, I began to meet new friends and there’s always one friend who stuck to my side since day one when they meet me. So everyone, love yourself before you love someone else. Trust your heart and go for it even through the path is risk taking but don’t do bad things. In the Bible, on Proverbs chapter 23 verse 18, “There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.”
Find a way to close ending that is meaningful. Does this bible saying connect to your new life at school? HOW?