Saved- Anthony Clara

A difficult time during my educational journey was in september 2021. September 15 2021 at 9:00pm little did I know that day would be one of the worst days of my life. This all started when I was in my room getting ready to go grab something to eat I remember putting on my shoes and sitting, I could also remember having a conversation with my sister in law, next thing I knew I woke up to my whole family surrounding me. The red flashing lights beaming outside my living room window, the looks of worry faces on my siblings and my mom. I knew something bad had happen. Being inside the ambulance on my way to the hospital I had so many thoughts going through my head, ” what’s happening” “what is going on”, my mom didn’t want to tell me what happen to me until I got to the hospital and asked my sister what was going on, I asked” what happen to me”? she replied and said “you had a seizure”. So many thoughts going through my head thinking “what’s going to happen”, ” Am I going to have one everyday”. That day I wanted to tell everyone how afraid I was and what was going through my mind, but seeing the looks on everyone’s faces and seeing how anxious they were, biting there nails, trying to put on a strong face to make it seem like they were okay and that they weren’t worry but I knew they were, I had to keep it all to myself and make it seem like I was fine and okay, but I was so afraid, anxious, worry, and not only was I not feeling mentally okay but I was feeling very weak, Tired, very dizzy. Hours past and we finally got to talk to the doctor they didn’t know what had caused my seizure, he explain the only thing he can was to prescribe me pills. After that day nothing was the same anymore I couldn’t sleep for two months straight, I was constantly watched by my family members which I really appreciated and will forever thank them for that! I had the thought everyday of getting a seizure in school or in public. I felt hopeless.

One day as me and my brother were driving to walmart I was going through my snapchat stories I saw someone posted a story where they made a instagram account for senior events, I saw that and thought that would be a great way to bring back the school spirit since we had just came back from covid everyone wasn’t getting involved in the senior events including myself, so i decided to make a instagram account called fdrseniors, everyday I was consistently posting senior events, information. I was so invested in that account that everything that I felt was going away as time went on. I started setting goals for myself I told myself that I was going to make everyone be in that school spirit again and make them want to be involved in the senior events since it was our last year in high school. Each month I kept seeing more and more students involved in the activities, and it made me feel happy and proud of myself because not only was I precipitating but everyone else was too. This gave me hope and pushed me to work harder in school and in my classes, but I didn’t stop there I wanted to do more so I went to the guidence department and asked if I can work with them, they said yes without hesitation. Working in the school office brought me lots of joy and I really enjoyed working with the staff, it also taught me a lot about filing. Towards the end of the year I was still going through other struggles not only with my condition but with having self confidence in myself and thinking i’m not smart enough I knew my time was almost done in high school and that once I got to college nothing was going to be the same anymore, I wasn’t going to have the extra support I needed and that I was going to be on my own now. Luckily I had my family that pushed me, I did take a break off but I thought about all the hard work I did and what else I’m capable of. Making that account not only helped me during my time in high school but it gave me hope to want to continue my education even when I didn’t.

1 thought on “Saved- Anthony Clara”

  1. Anthony Clara – This is good start. YOu have the beginnings of what could be a good story.

    This is a very scary episode in your life. Do you still have no diagnosis for what happened? No follow up answers to what condition you have? This is so worrisome, and I feel for you. Maybe you could add a part about the diagnosis or lack of diagnosis and how that effects you? Does knowing your condition or not knowing your condtion make your life / school life harder? Can you show a hardship (create a scene) you had during school that is result of your condition? You do a good job in the first part where you show me thoughts and dialogue with your family. Need to SHOW how the condition has effected your school life. Create a scene to make theatre of the mind for your reader in the second part. 

    Work on:

    ·     Paragraph breaks – Turn long blocks of texts into bite size pieces! NO reader wants to read huge long blocks of text. It’s hard on the eyes!

    ·     Timeline of events in your story

    ·     FIX dialogue use proper format. New par for new speaker. AND 5 points for Dialogue Format: Comma, Start Quotation, Capital, Inside Punctuation, End Quotation

    ·     Create at least one more scene and get some dialogue in:  First part good but second part needs more scenes. Notice you are doing a lot of just telling in the second part. Instead you need to SHOW me with a few well chosen scenes. Reach back into your memory. What event from your recovery part – school job – instragram creation stands out in your mind? SHOW me do not just tell me.   

    • Work on fixing COMMA SPLICE sentence errors!

    Here I offer suuggested edits inserted in to your piece. SO —

    [cut — A difficult time during my educational journey was in september 2021.—cut]

    [START HERE] September 15, 2021: little did I know that day would be one of the worst days of my life. This all started at 9:00pm when I was in my room getting ready to go grab something to eat I remember putting on my shoes and sitting, I could also remember having a conversation with my sister in law, next thing I knew I woke up to my whole family surrounding me. The red flashing lights beaming outside my living room window, the looks of worry faces on my siblings and my mom. I knew something bad had happen.

    [Good inner thoughts and dialogue – put in propoer format.] Being inside the ambulance on my way to the hospital I had so many thoughts going through my head, “What’s happening? What is going on?”

    My mom didn’t want to tell me what happen to me until I got to the hospital [WHAT did mom say?] and

    I asked my sister what was going on, I asked, “What happen to me”?

    she replied and said, “You had a seizure!”.

    So many thoughts going through my head thinking “what’s going to happen”, ” Am I going to have one everyday”

    That day I wanted to tell everyone how afraid I was and what was going through my mind, but seeing the looks on everyone’s faces and seeing how anxious they were, biting there nails, trying to put on a strong face [good details here] to make it seem like they were okay and that they weren’t worry but I knew they were, I had to keep it all to myself and make it seem like I was fine and okay [What did you say to family] but I was so afraid, anxious, worry, and not only was I not feeling mentally okay but I was feeling very weak, Tired, very dizzy.

    Hours past [WHERE? Not in ambulance for hours?] and we finally got to talk to the doctor they didn’t know what had caused my seizure, he explain the only thing he can was to prescribe me pills.

    [new par] After that day nothing was the same anymore I couldn’t sleep for two months straight, I was constantly watched by my family members which I really appreciated and will forever thank them for that! I had the thought everyday of getting a seizure in school or in public. I felt hopeless. [What happened at school when you came back? What kind of effect did the seizure have on your school life / school performance?]

    TIMELINE: Is some part missing here? Did you stay home away from school for days, weeks? Did you go straight back to school? Did you fall behind at school? Were you failing classes? Did you have stress of making up work? How did teachers treat your illness, your absence?

    [need to correct timeline of events] When I finally returned to school, I was feeling ____. Not only that but I had missed ___ days /weeks. I was behind in almost every class_____.

    [THIS second part needs to be more clearly connected to your recovery.] One day [WHEN? The date? HOW long after your seizure?] as me and my brother were driving to walmart I was going through my snapchat stories I saw someone posted a story where they made a instagram account for senior events, I saw that and thought that would be a great way to bring back the school spirit since we had just came back from covid everyone wasn’t getting involved in the senior events including myself, so i decided to make a instagram account called fdrseniors, everyday I was consistently posting senior events, information. I was so invested in that account that everything that I felt was going away as time went on. [WHAT were you feeling? Worries about your illness?] I started setting goals for myself [relate school goals to your goals for recovery] I told myself that I was going to make everyone be in that school spirit again and make them want to be involved in the senior events since it was our last year in high school.

    [new par] Each month I kept seeing more and more students involved in the activities, and it made me feel happy and proud of myself because not only was I precipitating [wrong word] but everyone else was too. This gave me hope and pushed me to work harder in school and in my classes, [hope for WHAT? For your recovery? Explain and connect clearly to your illness or your recovery] but I didn’t stop there I wanted to do more so I went to the guidence department and asked if I can work with them, they said yes without hesitation. Working in the school office brought me lots of joy [WHAT did you do? List your tasks at this job] and I really enjoyed working with the staff, it also taught me a lot about filing. [HOW did having this job make you feel better about recovery? About school? Did the counselors who worked become your mentors? Connect job to recovery]

    Towards the end of the year I was still going through other struggles [WHAT recovery struggles?] not only with my condition but with having self confidence in myself and thinking i’m not smart enough [Woah – this is abrupt: you throw this lack of self-confidence in here with no previous build-up. Was this related to your illness? Or have you always had feelings of self-doubt? It seems important and needs to building up. Need to develop this self-doubt and show how it’s connected to your recovery and guidance-job] I knew my time was almost done in high school and that once I got to college nothing was going to be the same anymore, I wasn’t going to have the extra support [again you throw this in with no build up – What extra support were you getting? NEED more development]  I needed and that I was going to be on my own now. Luckily I had my family that pushed me, I did take a break off but I thought about all the hard work I did and what else I’m capable of. Making that account not only helped me during my time in high school but it gave me hope to want to continue my education even when I didn’t [unclear

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