I used to be very lax in regards to my education. I thought of education as a means to an end so as a result I coasted by in classes thinking it was just enough to pass and not seeing any reason to further apply myself. I thought the same of extracurriculars so I had done an insignificant amount. I was forced to apply to SEO by my mother and after a couple arguments I grudgingly gave in and applied. The application process was tedious causing me to further disapprove this program. I remember sitting by the washing machine thinking of what exactly I should write for the application essay questions.
After four years in SEO I can say Im glad I was forced to apply and attend. My previously lax attitude had turned attentive. SEO provided an environment that my high school did not, while my school comprised of students within Brooklyn , SEO encompasses students from all boroughs of NYC. Im not exactly sure what it was but that setting provided something new for me. I was also introduced to career focused summer programs which was the highlight of my shift in character. Attending those programs gave me a clear vision of what I want to do and how I intend to go about achieving it. I now understand that my lax attitude would not have gotten me far in the path I want to follow.
This could be a much better piece; you have TOLD me about a summer program that saved you. SO you have answered the prompt.
HOWEVER — Notice that you are just telling me. You need to make you writing more vivid, more interesting. You need to SHOW me with a few well chosen scenes from your life, with CSD – Concrete Specific Details! Reach back into your memory for the best scenes of how you were and how SEO [stands for WHAT organization?] saved you.
I used to be very lax in regards to my education. I thought of education as a means to an end so as a result I coasted by in classes thinking it was just enough to pass and not seeing any reason to further apply myself. I thought the same of extracurriculars so I had done an insignificant amount. I was forced to apply to SEO by my mother and after a couple arguments I grudgingly gave in and applied. The application process was tedious causing me to further disapprove this program. I remember sitting by the washing machine thinking of what exactly I should write for the application essay questions. [Can you describe more and turn this into a scene of arguing with mom? Describe the kind of “lax” student you used to be at that time. SHOW me your mom pushing you to apply. SHOW me the conversation where she knows you are a lax student. And then of you sitting at the washing machine filing out the application. This could be a good scene, could be an OPENING scene. Remember how Santiago jumps into the scene of first day at new school in America.]
After four years in SEO [wow four years is a long time. Can you describe the program in more detail and show me WHAT you did there? WHAT you got out of it? Did you have friends there? WHO was there?] I can say Im glad I was forced to apply and attend. My previously lax attitude had turned attentive. SEO provided an environment that my high school did not, while my school comprised of students within Brooklyn , SEO encompasses students from all boroughs of NYC. Im not exactly sure what it was but that setting provided something new for me. I was also introduced to career focused summer programs [Anthony, notice that you are just telling me – instead SHOW me. WHAT summer program? SEO stands for WHAT? Then — What did you do? WHAT was the “setting? – the something new” Describe the program by showing me an activity you did that was the “highlight of your shift in character.”] which was the highlight of my shift in character. Attending those programs gave me a clear vision of what I want to do and how I intend to go about achieving it. I now understand that my lax attitude would not have gotten me far in the path I want to follow.