Gender Expression: “Tomboy”

A “Tomboy” is defined as “ a girl who enjoys rough, noisy activities associated with boys” what a load of bulls*it. I’ve been a “tomboy” for the majority of my life, I hate that word it’s as if children and adults around me had put me in box, hoping that I would grow out on this “phase”. As if wearing pants made me less of a girl, they didn’t but this was the early 2000s I had to wear a skirt, I would cry and beg my mom to let me wear pants. I eventually wore her down and got the pants. Women’s clothing has always made me uncomfortable. As a child I didn’t want to shop in the girl’s section, I would slowly drag my mom to the boy’s section, girl’s clothing didn’t have superheroes on them at the time. Now as an adult I still don’t entirely shop in the women’s section I feel uncomfortable in women’s clothing jackets accentuate the waist, the shirts have smaller sleeves it’s just not my thing. 

Mcdonald’s happy meal toys, what a nightmare for my early anxiety. I didn’t want the girl toy, the boy toys sparked more of my interest. I remember being next to my dad as he ordered my happy meal and I asked if I could get the boy toy the cashier said but she’s not a boy, my face must have completely dropped, I don’t remember if I got the boy toy or not I’ve repressed a lot of my childhood because I was “too boyish” I wasn’t “girly” enough. What surprises me after years of getting used to being called a boy, it still hurts it seems as though my inner child is still in pain. Now I know someone must be thinking, it isn’t that deep and yeah sure it wasn’t to you but to me I felt that something was wrong with me, why didn’t I want to wear dresses or play with barbies why couldn’t I have been normal. I would always ask myself why I couldn’t be a normal little girl, what hurt more was hearing it from my own family. It’s interesting that I chose a word that made me feel small. It’s important to me now because I have suppressed those emotions from when I was a child and now  I would really like to work on it and heal. The “Tomboy” phase didn’t go away for me but I also feel frustrated. Why should I or any young girl be labeled as a tomboy when I’m simply a girl who isn’t necessarily feminine that’s it, the term isn’t necessary. I always felt guilty for not being the “girly” girl that my mom wanted or at least I thought she wanted. I think after a while I wanted to be that for her and other people. I would let my hair down although I didn’t like it, clearly having long hair isn’t a girl thing but you’ll be surprised at how many times I was called a boy or asked if I was a boy which made everything much more confusing. It wasn’t only children asking me this it was adults too. I wanted to get a pixie cut and would constantly beg my mom to let me cut my hair months past and she said no. Until she finally said yes I cut my hair the day before my 14th birthday I never felt so free or confident in myself, but It gave me away to people, or at least people now felt that it was okay to call me a lesbian in a derogatory way. I had been called a lesbian my whole life, it’s still painful to be constantly told by other people who you are especially as a child when I didn’t know what a lesbian was. I just knew that people found it weird so I couldn’t be one. I denied my sexuality for years because i was told who I apparently already was, i didn’t want to be a lesbian because that would mean they were right, all of them. Eventually, I did come to terms with my sexuality, I’m a bi woman, my boyishness didn’t define my sexuality what did was my attraction to women at a young age. I wanted to make that clear, also if you are a tomboy do not discourage other women who enjoy traditionally feminine activities, because that’s just internalized misogyny. I’m not a tomboy and I don’t want to label myself as one I hope that the “tomboy” trope continues to fade away, so that little boys and girls don’t have to feel the way I did as a kid. Just let children like what they like, don’t make little boys and girls feel shameful of what they enjoy.