Ashley Perez
English 1101
Project 1
What do I want to tell myself five years from now? In five years I will be 26 years old. If we were living in some dimensional world where I could actually talk to my 25 year old self I would say I hope you are doing better than your past self. I would say you made a lot of mistakes in the past that you could make up for or hopefully already have. Also I would tell myself to strive to do better and not to doubt myself the way you did when you were younger. I would also say you should’ve followed your true pursuit and if you didn’t that you still have time to do considering I would only be 26 years old.
In this project I was told to set some time aside for a ‘‘DAY OF THOUGHTS’’. About halfway in my day of thoughts I realized how young minded I am. I didn’t want my recorded thoughts to be unauthentic so actually did write what I was thinking every hour on the hour. My first thought for that day February 7th 2015 was I have to get up and make it to my five hour class. My second thought was maybe I shouldn’t go cause I’m so tired and I won’t be able to concentrate but if I don’t go ill have to wait and I hate being a procrastinator. My third thought was glad I made it to my 5 hour class, even though the instructors a complete asshole. Fourth thought it was god I cant wait to get out of this class, it seems like a waste of money. Fifth thought was boy this instructor is a jerk and he wouldn’t let me eat in his class, he actually made some sarcastic remark about only being able to eat in his class if you’re diabetic. My sixth thought was as soon as I get home I want to pass out. Seventh thought was yes almost time to leave. Eighth thought was about the instructor again, he said he would let us out early, he lied. Ninth thought was I’m finally out of this class and on my way to my bed. Tenth thought was now all I have to do is get some driving lessons and take a road test and I’ll finally have a license. Eleventh thought so sleepy can’t believe I was able to open my eyes long enough to write this. Twelfth thought was I’m so hungry, I’m going to order some ribs. Thirteenth thought was those ribs I had were really good. Fourteenth thought was I must’ve been really tired because I fell asleep and didn’t throw away the containers before I fell asleep. My fifteenth thought was there’s never anything on TV on the weekends. Sixteenth thought was I can’t wait to quit my job at Wendy’s and receive my can license so I make some real money. My last thought of the day is I think I’ll attend church tomorrow.
My day of thoughts actually had nothing do to do with my visual thoughts. My visual thoughts were deeper, more about my future. My days of thoughts were non sense.
1)https://www.flickr.com/photos/131792890@N03/16814364305/
Current thought # 1:
This picture is from a couple of weeks ago, I was at my internship for my certified nursing assistant course. Being a certified nursing assistant isn’t something that I wanted to do as a child it’s something I realized would be easy for me and I would make a lot of money for a person who lives with her parents and has no responsibilities. My thought for this picture was I can’t wait to be a ‘CNA’ and be able to pursue my real dreams as an actress.
2)https://www.flickr.com/photos/131792890@N03/16813308572/
Current thought # 2:
This picture is from my birthday week. I had just turned 20 years old, young and dumb as my older friends would say. My thought for this image was what’s in my future. I wasn’t doing anything at that time, just some stupid part time job. I didn’t know where my future was headed. College wasn’t on my mind at all, and my job was just that a job not a career anything I could be proud of. If my acting career doesn’t go as planned what will my future be like.
3) https://www.flickr.com/photos/131792890@N03/16813332682/
Current thought # 3:
This is an image of my college logo. The reason for this image is because I find myself thinking about school a lot, wondering will I pass or fail. I’m confident in myself for my English and my psychology class but math has never been a good subject for me and unfortunately it’s a mandatory course. My thought for this image was will I succeed or will I have to repeat that course, I get discouraged easily so if I do fail that math class which is kind of not an option for me since I need it to take my major I feel like I might just drop out all together.
4) https://www.flickr.com/photos/131792890@N03/16607163887/
Future thought # 1:
You’re probably wondering why I used this picture twice, there is a reason. The reason I am using this image again is because I feel in my future even though I won’t still be a certified nursing assistant it will be something that crosses my mind more than it should considering I will be a successful actress. I honestly feel people usually want something that they should not have. As badly as I want to be an actress, I sometimes wonder is that really what I need or what I want. My thought for this image is is what I want really what I want.
5) https://www.flickr.com/photos/131792890@N03/16607190887/
Future thought # 2:
This reason for this image is because in my future I believe I will live in a house as nice as this. My thought for this image was when I reach my goal and when I am actually able to afford a house like this, so big and beautiful will I be happy in it. Will I feel fulfilled? I am actually not really sure.
6)https://www.flickr.com/photos/131792890@N03/16607218857/
Future thought # 3:
This image is me in the 10th grade. The reason for this image is because as adults we always dwell in the past and wonder what could have been. I sometimes think about all the mistakes I made and all the wrong choices I made in high school, and that was only a few years ago. My thought for this image is will I still think about my teenage self as an adult who made it so far from those corrupted times.
Reflection
I am Ashley Perez from Brooklyn, New York. I’m a 26 year old successful young actress. I live in long beach, California now and I have a lot of important things to inform you on about your future in order for you to try and put things in perspective and maybe fix whatever you need to so you can be fulfilled in all your endeavors. I have never been the type of person to analyze my actions to the way I go about because I am so self centered. So take some time out and listen to what I have to say to you because it will be beneficial to you in the future.
I had to observe the things that I thought about in the past, present, and the future and how it reflects on me as a person and where my thoughts would eventually lead me and my future endeavors. Ever since I was a young woman I always knew I would be destined to do great things. Somehow I always seem to doubt myself in many different aspects of my life and a lot of other situations for some deeper reason that took a lot of time and patience for me to understand. When I was a young woman I went through life half stepping into everything I did, I was a major procrastinator. I have always wanted certain things in life but never attempted to put in the full effort in to achieve my goals. From my future self to my present self I know that you are a very confident and strong person, however I know you may have many questions that can benefit you in the future.
I am a famous actress now and I am unhappily married to Antwone Perez who is a cosmetic surgeon and we have three kids, two boys and one girl. Their names are Jacob he’s five, Enide’s three, and Tommy’s six months old. I honestly did not want any kids, but my husband was adamant to build a family together. I felt he just wanted to secure his future with me since I am the main bread winner. In the first year of our marriage he was unfaithful and had gotten me pregnant with our first child Jacob. I did not want to be a single mother as I had just began my acting career so I forgave him.
In the past I made a lot of bad decisions that I thought I couldn’t recover from. Reflecting on my past I actually realized that those choices made me who I am today. Certain situations made me stronger and more resilient to the life choices I made. When I was a teenager I dropped out of high school and began hanging with friends basically being a loser. I had my first reality check when my best friend died of drug over dose, she had been laced with a drug called crystal meth, it would not have killed her, but she had a heart problem so she ended up dying. I still did not start getting my life together until my ex boyfriend also died. He was gun downed in an alley somewhere, it was ironic because I actually did not care when he died. It only made me sentimental because I felt like I knew too many people that had died.
Some advice I would give to you is not to trust a lot of people that you did in the past, keep your circle small because a lot of the people you trusted in the past ended up screwing you over. I am assuming by now you are smart enough to realize who you can trust and who you can not, but hey what do I know I married a bastard. I am pretty sure by now you know true potential. Another thing I should tell you that would have benefit you more and made you achieve your goals quicker is to stay in high school. Number one thing you should not have started drinking and smoking so early, because Jacob seems a little slower than the other kids and he’s always starting fights with the other kids and is very aggressive in school but that’s another story. I learned a lot from them; even so I am still a neglectful parent. I do not really enjoy being around my kids, that is probably why me and my husband hired three nanny’s including one that looks exactly like me just in case one of the kid’s have a nightmare in the middle of night and want a hug from me . I spend most of my time with my husband Antwone and the only thing we have in common is our fake love and all the prescription drugs we do together. Reflecting on my life now I realize I should not have gotten married at such a young age. I feel trapped sometimes when we are together.
The life lessons that I learned, were not only from my kids, but from other people as well. The way I was brought up was to always respect your parent’s and your elders. My kids are respectful and have good manners but I can feel the resentment. I sometimes wished I cared enough about them to get to know them better but I have not. I do not know why, It could be because I resent them so much since I never wanted them. My career is the most important thing to me, it has always been. As a child I did not respect my elders as well as I should and my mother always told me that when I had my own kids they would treat me the same way. I do feel that I got some bad karma with my kids, not in a sense where they disrespect me, but they do not care about me just as much as I do not care about them. To know my kids feel unworthy of my love makes me feel unworthy of myself. Therefore I must change my attitude towards them and life in general. We do not have any kind of relationship; they are mostly close with their grandmother and their father. The most important thing in my life is my acting career; it is the only thing that gives me any joy. The last time I remember really being happy was when I was a certified nursing assistant. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was so care free at that time, no kids, no husband, no paparazzi, and no stress. I sometimes wish I could just go back.
Reflecting on my past made me realize that it is not all about me, but my kids and family. I should not have been selfish but more caring and nurturing to my kids. Also I should have been more productive as a parent and a supporter. I thought I was the best parent because my kids got everything they wanted, but what they lacked was the emotional bond between a mother and her child. I have learned as a young adult that I can be pretty naïve, but I am striving to be the best mother that I can be to my kids. It is not too late to win their affection. Being a mother and an actress is a full time job that I was not prepared for and did not take serious , but I did take the initiative and necessary action to maintain them both and now both me and my family are finally happy.
