https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GLZTX00TBiAaCcdonD5CGzjGqZpGnGWM5wd7DCInvDQ/edit?usp=sharing
5 thoughts on “Maram Awadh Essay 1 Draft”
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xx Monroe Street xx
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GLZTX00TBiAaCcdonD5CGzjGqZpGnGWM5wd7DCInvDQ/edit?usp=sharing
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I like the conflict in your essay, primarily your anxiety and shock during the first day when you had the “image of high school in [your] head”, with the expectations of there being “basic popular girls, nerds, [and] the cute football player that everyone likes and has a crush on “, because I also had those expectations. Coming into high school as an immigrant, media about high school kind of twisted my expectations and gave me the worst info possible. (Thankfully, it seems like we both figured out what was what in time.)
I also like the way you describe cutting class “It gave me so much adrenaline, after the first couple of times cutting, it became extremely easy which made it even harder for me to go to class because all I wanted to do is cut and hang out with my so called friends”, because I’m pretty sure every high school kid has felt that way at one point or another themselves. (I know I sure as hell did, my senior year attendance was just 91% instead of the 95-98% it was my first three years, cutting was an old friend by the time I graduated.) It’s because of my experience with cutting that I know how life-changing it was to be motivated by your teachers and to start going to class, so I really like the way you detailed your effort to make personal changes. (In freshman year, no less.)
I could relate to your story so much I felt like I just relived my freshman year of high school. I went through most of the same experiences such as having friends that were a bad influences. I feel as if every student goes through this experience where they hang around the wrong crowd, and do certain things they never believed that they would do. I loved the way you described your first day of your freshman year referring to ” I never saw that many tall people in my life, they looked like towers next to me”, because I am short my self I could only imagine how small and out of place you felt while walking through the halls. I also could relate to how your grade start slip by hanging around these “friends”, because I also experienced that in my freshman year of high school, which I did mention in my essay as well. I am glad that you had that one English teacher that wanted to see you succeed because for me my teachers weren’t really interested in helping students unless you asked for help yourself. I feel like the beginning of high school was just us being open to knew things, and also being peer pressured into doing things you didn’t want to do .
A suggestion I would give to is to reread, because they’re a little bit of grammatically errors in which we all go through. But over all I think its a good essay, with your conflict being very clear.
I understand how you felt in freshman year. The first day of my freshman year I was scared too, to the point where I wanted to move to a different school. I think the main conflict of your story is that you were going on the wrong path because of the people you were around and how it changed you completely. One scene that you should work on and describe more is the part where you talked about doing bad things with your friend. While I was reading it, I was curious about what else you did.
I enjoyed reading your essay. I think not only you but many of us went through most of the same experience you did. And I am happy that you finally graduated after facing these difficulties. Overall I enjoyed reading your essay but one suggestion I would give to you is to expand a moment of doing bad things with your friends.
Wow reading your essay just gave me a flashback of high school and i could relate to your experience in some way. I saw my friend follow the same path so I could feel exactly what your friends were feeling when they said that you’re not the same person. I like how you developed the conflict right in the beginning of the essay and how the rest of the paragraphs flowed. I’m glad you changed for the better, your surroundings truly change the person that you are. Great job!