https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-GSHWECQO1VOIzcjRLiw6mjaMFSYYis4-g3QNoxe0m0/edit?usp=sharing
6 thoughts on “Jasleen Aujla- Essay 1 draft”
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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-GSHWECQO1VOIzcjRLiw6mjaMFSYYis4-g3QNoxe0m0/edit?usp=sharing
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I think your essay is very related because a lot of students had trouble with there fasfa application and the difficulty of finally settling down to the college you really want. I am glad you finally made a decision and I hope you actually get into the nursing program in which i’m doing right now also. I heard that the nursing program here is very hard to get into so I hope you get the major u desire. In your essay you stated that “I felt online classes are good for me because my schedule is hard”, I agree with you but I feel like we are kind of missing out on the college experience because its hard to make friends, and to actually socialize.
A suggestion I would make is to put in a little story in your essay so that it would be more interesting, or more detail. For example you can show more detail in how nervous you were or scared you were going into college, instead of just staying it show mow emotion. You should add things that would make the reader want to continue reading or want to hear more. I also think that you should reread your story or any assignment before you summit it.
Hey Jasleen! I enjoyed reading your essay and I’m more than happy to give you some feedback. I totally felt exactly what you were feeling when you stated “My friends were done with the application but I didn’t even start because I didn’t want to choose any course that I don’t want to do or later I regret that I chose this”. I was watching my friends getting all ready for college and I just kept procrastinating with the application because I couldn’t accept the fact that I was actually going to college now. I learned from your essay that it wasn’t only me who was postponing the applications, I wasn’t ready either and I also didn’t want to choose a school when I wasn’t too sure where I wanted to attend college. Another thing is that my guidance counselors weren’t any help when it came to filling out the applications. The forms could be stressful and whenever I had a question, they always told me “come back next period”. I’m wondering if you had the same issue with your guidance counselors as well. While i was reading your essay i only came across a few things I would revise for next time such as, when you were talking about how you received help from your cousins. I feel like you could’ve added a few more details about what really gave you that extra push to choose a college. I feel like it would engage the reader more if they had a little bit more information about you. Another note that i had on your essay was I noticed a few grammatical errors so next time try to be more aware where you put your commas and periods.
Thank you Kamille and Alexandria. I am happy to see your feedback. Thank you for your suggestions. I’ll keep these suggestions and edit my essay soon.
After reading your story, I totally understand how you feel because I was nervous too, and didn’t know what to expect. Also, I wasn’t ready for college. One thing I learned that you weren’t sure about what you wanted to do in the future and that’s why you were having a hard time choosing your major. To make your story more interesting, I feel like you should compare the feeling you had beginning of the senior year when the school first started to the end of senior year. For example, were you excited to be a senior? How did you feel knowing that you will graduate soon? Also, I would say describe your emotions more instead of just writing about you being scared. Such as, what did you do when you were scared or nervous? Show your feelings more.
From reading your essay I can relate so much of your feeling to mine, because I was very scared to and felt overwhelmed due to the fact that I wasn’t 100% on my major. Although I felt like you should’ve gone more into detail on your feelings and how it felt when college was around the corner. But overall I think it’s amazing for a draft. I also noticed some grammatical error but then again it is a draft so I expect your final essay to be perfect. Great job!
After reading your essay, I completely understand the difficulties you faced trying to apply for college and financial aid. I was also super stressed about it but thankfully I had some great friends that helped me alot during the way. The conflict in this essay was the hardships you faced while applying to college, no one was really there to guide you and that made it more stressful and harder. A moment in your essay that I think you should expand into a scene was when your counselor called you to her office to finish your college application but overall, your essay draft was really good and I enjoyed reading it.