Author: Thiek (Page 6 of 7)

Thiek  Lindo 

Shitty first draft 

Any time i found myself struggling i think about my cousin his words still live through me even without him being here physically our faviorte quote to live by “You can depressed and still get things done its called being a man” 

School has always been a uphill battl;e for me i never struggled academically i got lost in the expectations of others i lost sight of who i was and what me being me meant to the people around me growing up i was a talkative child like many always quick to involve myself and always playful this stuck with me in elementary and middle school my teachers labeld me as talkative and disruptive and that me talking was no help to the people around me i remember feeling like a burden to my family and friends the death of my cosuin would push me to going mute and as a child having some much emotion and having no one to speak to would challenge anyone mentally in class i quickly went ftom the talative and distrcuve kid to a shell of myself being isolated from my peers.

I was unhappy but i thought me listening to my teacher and helping the people around me by keeping to myself was doing justice for others i sunk i was drowning in pain in middle school i would meet my closest friend aneki and he pushed me to become more talkative he invited me to get up during group presentations and he would pick on me to read or explain next I disliked it until i realized he was helping me break out of the shell of myself i became who i used to be the happier version of me i became more vulnerable and understanding of my feelings and the feelings of everyone around me.

I started to take que to the factors of mental health as time went on i would reach out to my friends and through communication i was able to make them more vulnerable to open about their trauma and problems i love the example of were all drowning on a boat together but no one knows how to help eachother thats how i felt about my friends family and community wondered why school didnt take this into thought why dont we learn about the importance of mental health learning to talk why does school push you into becoming a shell of yourself i started wanted to help my friends and community be able to speak and use their voice to inspire and to help others to notice themselves drowning in the thoughts they keep quiet but recognizing life doesn’t have to be that way and creating the skills to better the situation.

I picked up a different perspective about school sometimes school can ruins a child best abilities sometimes school can keep a child from reaching their full potential I think to myself who would I have become if I let the words of other people decide who I’m going to be when I wake up tomorrow but for some people it’s not as easy I’ve seen the most energized people most talkative and ingaged people get told they have adhd they need to be more quiet these words and judgements of who you are already given to you even if you never asked for it just by expressing yourself I think actions like this have changed our community for the worst we are now in a generation where suicide is the highest mental health and depression has taken over the youth and the educational system is leading in stress and cause of depression why do we feel as teenagers we are unable to use our voice.

Beginning my 11th grade year of high school my closet friend would past away and quickly I would start to be able to see and feel the emotions of wanting to give up I think this was a period in time where God gave me the answer to my question and instead of him showing me the answer through another person he made me feel it for myself I became distant from schoolwork lest attentive in class but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be there it was the fact I was already struggling to uphold my battle at home school became a place where I could walk away from my thoughts for 6-7 hours of the day and not have to worry about what I was going through this wasn’t easy for me teachers would tell me all the things I was doing terrible all the things I could be doing better and that if I kept up the way I was acting maybe I wouldn’t reach where I wanted to.

This pushed me away from school completely the most negative things were always thrown into the light while the fact I was still trying wasn’t even being looked at I decided to ignore every single comment I got from anyone if it didn’t have my best intentions at heart I focused on using my voice to help others I wasn’t willing to let me and the people on my boat drown because there is a way I connected to the youth to my community and school I held gatherings and events and social clubs I was recognized by the mayor of mount veron and she helped push my agenda further “the importance of your own vocal frequency “ a kid with my background  being from harlem being colored being judged by my environment the same talkative and destructive child is now using is talkative to voice to reconstruct his community and environment we were able to hold a event and stop the gun violence in harlem for 1 full day no reported gun violence happened by the youth I was able to get Local artist to come speak to the youth about mental health being more vulnerable and understanding to be who you are regardless of who doesn’t agree with it wether it’s school friends or family stay true to who you are and use the same things people shun you for to be better .

I remember my cousin stopping by around 4pm he would always come by my house we would talk me and him were surprisingly more connected and had a tighter bond than me and my siblings since I was a child he would pick me up and we would always take the long way home we would through a vacant trail of a park we grew up by I was woken up later in the day by my mother crying as a child heading your mother cry or in pain puts you in instant panic I remember rushing out to the kitchen dining table to check on my mom she had her head down she looked up at me I saw the tears coming down here face I got her a napkin and sat by her she broke the news to me that my cousin was murdered only 15-20 mins from our house as a kid I never understood anger or pain so I sat there confused as the days went on I would walk the trail alone with no one to speak to I became distant from friends and family as things would continue I was start to realize what my mom meant when she told me he was “gone” not a phone call a school check up or stopping by I started to feel numb no one understood what i was dealing with so trying to explain myself and my hurt got me no where I started to know what it felt like to be alone my closet friend aneki would always stop by no matter how distant I became wether it was to do homework on a school day or okay video games after school he was one person could see my pain even if I wouldn’t speak on it we became close and I became more open to being  social again my teachers called me a distraction and a talkative child school was the only place I could be me and not have to remember or think about what I had going on at home I tried to express my hurt through jokes and making my friends laugh I got enjoyment from seeing other people happy 2 years ago my closest friend aneki would pass away we left a sweet 16 both angry at eachother brothers always fight so this was nothing new for us but unlike any other day this day we split up and it would be the worst decision of my life I made a promise to myself that under no terms would I give up on anyone I would never let a argument put me in a situation we’re I would distance my self from the people I care about because time is short I became a shell of the person I once was less talkative less happy but I always found happiness through what i could do for others I knew what it meant to be alone and wouldn’t put that on anyone

“I’m not perfect and I understand that” A weakness that has always be thrown around my name was how talkative I was and how much of a distraction I could be to others seeing myself from then to now I’m happy to say that I stayed true to myself and I stayed true to who I was growing up I seen a lot of kids walk away from who they truly were for the likeness of others and as I kid I didn’t want to go against myself just to please other people and it’s the same way I am now.I had to learn myself I had to go through a phase of self understanding realizing who I was and who I wanted to be and what impact it would have on the people around me I realized my same talkative and distracting voice and personality would be one of greatest gifts I say this because I’m a believer in purpose and I believe everyone has there own path in life God has a odd way of putting me in the lives of people that go through silent battles wether it’s my friends ,family ,peers or just strangers I’m able to meet along the way I have a weird way of being able to speak to people in a form of connection I always thought my purpose was bigger than me as a whole I come into these peoples lives and give them a sense of understanding a place of comfort and make them feel vulnerable enough to reciprocate how they feel and what there going through for my friends they always tell me that when I’m around I’m able to make people forget about the things they go through I’m able to comfort them in even when there world feels like it’s coming to ruins it made me appreciate alot more knowing the same traits that the school system tried so hard for me to get rid of would be my biggest factor in my friendships and relationships. I started to understand how important my voice was this prompted me to go speak more freely as I got older in highschool I was able to connect with anyone because of my background or just off first impression people assume things about me not that I mind because I understand that at all times who isn’t being judged as much as we shouldn’t we all assume things on first glance about one another but this would sometimes bridge gaps with people who didn’t share the same background or up bringing as me but I understand the power behind my voice so I was able to speak make new friends and connections from all different backgrounds be that person that people could always come to for anything and they didn’t have to feel shy or looked down upon this same character trait helped me throughout my classes especially during presentations I understood how word choices and creating a space where others could relate to what your speaking about makes your opinion much greater I added this into my everyday life and jus accepted my talkative and distractive way as just who I am I’m not perfect and I understand that. 

-Thiek lindo