“You can never be what I am or what I will be” – Anonymous Family Member
Being a freshman in high school I soaked every word and experience like a sponge due to the lack of knowledge of who I would become in the near future. Sitting in my living room, sweat dropping from my face to the floor felt like an earthquake, contemplating if they were right or wrong. I began to feel a sense of nervousness. “Am I going to be someone successful or will I let myself drown in such a scary place we call Earth?”, it just keeps replaying in my head like a broken record days on end. Little did I know this will affect me to the present day, why did you expose my mind to such negativity and thoughts at such a young age? Taking this in I began to lack in school and work for a long period of time because “I will never be what you are”.
Who are you? Why cant I be even greater than what you are? I got so sick and tired of questioning myself daily. Senior year of high school, after four full years, my mind stuck on on these words I began to take action. Facing my fear and asking that person why did you tell me such thing knowing how sensitive I am to all of our words. Sadly it had to be asked looking into a casket… I came to a realization that maybe through all the love that was given, they may have been guiding me to the wrong path. Wether it may be a family member, significant other, friend, etc, always listen to words with caution. Love can blind you from many things including words. Whenever someone ask you such a question think to yourself first… “Who are you? Why can’t I be greater than who you are?”.
This is the best part: Sitting in my living room, sweat dropping from my face to the floor felt like an earthquake, contemplating if they were right or wrong. I began to feel a sense of nervousness. “Am I going to be someone successful or will I let myself drown in such a scary place we call Earth?”, it just keeps replaying in my head like a broken record days on end.
Work to give more concrete details and description like this.
This whole piece of writing is interesting but very cryptic. You must give the who, what, when, where, why! The reader is in the dark as to what is happening.
NOW: Who said this to you? On WHAT occasion? WHy? What was the direct effect? What did you do when you heard this? How did you change? How has this made you who you are today as a student, as a learner?
You write: Sadly it had to be asked looking into a casket…[so did someone die?] Who? the person who said these words to you? WHO WAS THIS PERSON who was so important that his/her words echo in your midn to day? How did this person’s words change you shape you to be the person you are today?
Too many questions left in the reader’s mind. You must write with CONCRETE DETAILS as the writers that we are readign in our class assignments.