“If you fail once, you need to get it better the next time. Life is short, so spend it wisely because you don’t know what will happen in a second.” This saying was told by my family every single day and it made me feel I should work hard so I won’t look down on myself and my family generation. Who doesn’t want to be their family pride and family favorite? Every day I would study and work hard to be a good kid and a good example for the other kids where their parents would tell their kids to look up to him/her. Giving advice can make you feel pressured and some would feel confident about changing their habit of doing things. The quote in my own words is if you fail once, you must improve your performance the next time because you won’t know what will happen in a second, spend your life wisely. Mostly every time I work hard there are some burdens on my shoulder after one thing is completed. So never give up and work hard to study to be the pride of your family.
But you notice that you are doing a lot of telling. INSTEAD SHOW ME with details and description.
READ the instructions for this HW again and LOOK AT THE STUDENT EXAMPLE POSTS BY STUDENT LISA and STUDENT ADRIAN.
I offer some ways to improve this piece of writing if you choose to develop it further. SO —
“If you fail once, you need to get it better the next time. Life is short, so spend it wisely because you don’t know what will happen in a second.” This saying was told by my family [WHO? WHEN? What was the occastion that someone said this to you? THINK back on your memory and find the best memory of a time your DAD? Said this to you.] every single day and it made me feel I should work hard so I won’t look down on myself and my family generation. Who doesn’t want to be their family pride and family favorite? Every day I would study and work hard to be a good kid and a good example for the other kids where their parents would tell their kids to look up to him/her.
[NEW PARAGRPH for each time there is a new topic]
However [transiton needed], Giving advice can make you feel pressured and some would feel confident about changing their habit of doing things. [SHOW ME A scene from your memory when Dad, or Mom or Grandmother, made you feel pressure. Recreate that conversation and show me WHERE it happened, When, Why? Was it when you got a bad report card? IDK, but you do and you need to SHOW me with good description!].
The quote in my own words is if you fail once, you must improve your performance the next time because you won’t know what will happen in a second, spend your life wisely. Mostly every time I work hard there are some burdens on my shoulder after one thing is completed. So never give up and work hard to study to be the pride of your family. [OK, but notice that you are only TELLING me. YOU need to SHOW me. You need to create some theater of the mind for your reader, me!]