Freshman year in high school I decided to join an art club just for the fun of it, not knowing It was going to help me in the future. I had no actual interest in it and did it only because my friend had joined so it felt right to do so. It would take place every Friday after school in Ms. B’s class, room 218. We were able to bring snacks and pretty much just vibe with everyone in a room creating art and if I’m being honest, that’s what I liked most about it. A lot of the times I wouldn’t be happy with my work but I was always too scared of starting over and just losing all the work I had already done. For example, If I had to paint something and it would come out not looking it’s best, I wouldn’t want to paint the canvas white and start over. This happened to me multiple times but my art teacher made me realize in one of our talks that starting over isn’t bad at all if I’m not happy with what I have.
At the time my grades weren’t their best due to the fact that I would just hand in the assignment however instead of actually sitting down and redoing everything I wasn’t happy with about my work. Joining this club gave meaning to school in a way because I was no longer handing in the assignments to get a grade, I was now handing them in to show what I’m capable of. I would no longer hand in drafts or unfinished problems because in reality that wasn’t me. There was so much more of me that I could give but never did and I was super happy to have joined that club because it taught me to be more creative with everything I did and most importantly to never be afraid to start over if it means you can do better the second time around. Joining an art club the first year in high school helped me so much and in a way saved me!
Can you notice that you are doing a lot of telling me? Instead, you need to SHOW me! Remember the scene of Malcolm X learning to read in the light of the hallway while the night guards were on watch. You need to insert a few well-chosen scenes to make this piece of writing come alive.
¡ Reach back into your memory to find the best scenes that could take your reader there to that time you found joining the art club saved you. Create THEATER of the MIND for your reader. Make your writing interesting and exciting.
¡ You need to work on adding CSD â Concrete Specific Details.
¡ You need to elaborate more.
Freshman year in high school I decided to join an art club just for the fun of it, not knowing It was going to help me in the future. I had no actual interest in it and did it only because my friend had joined so it felt right to do so. It would take place every Friday after school in Ms. Bâs class, room 218. We were able to bring snacks and pretty much just vibe with everyone in a room creating art and if Iâm being honest, thatâs what I liked most about it. [more description of the âvibeâ or the SCENE in room 218. Who was there? What did the room look like? An Art Classroom is always fun â so SHOW ME.]. A lot of the times I wouldnât be happy with my work but I was always too scared of starting over and just losing all the work I had already done. For example, If I had to paint something and it would come out not looking itâs best, I wouldnât want to paint the canvas white and start over. This happened to me multiple times [Describe one time âthis happened to meâ in detail. Create a scene: When? What was you trying to make? Who was in the room? How did you feel when you started the project, then when you saw the results? SHOW me the conversation with Ms. B. Remember Colin Powell describing his first day at City College. He takes the reader there. Try to do the same.] but my art teacher made me realize in one of our talks that starting over isnât bad at all if Iâm not happy with what I have.
At the time my grades werenât their best due to the fact that I would just hand in the assignment however instead of actually sitting down and redoing everything I wasnât happy with about my work. [GIVE better description of what kind of student you were before art club. More CSD â Concrete Specific Details!] Joining this club gave meaning to school in a way because I was no longer handing in the assignments to get a grade, I was now handing them in to show what Iâm capable of. I would no longer hand in drafts or unfinished problems because in reality that wasnât me. [HERE can you SHOW me your best memory of the handing in good work. What class was this? What was the assignment? SHOW me the change in you. WHAT was âin realityâ⌠the real âyouâ?] There was so much more of me that I could give but never did and I was super happy to have joined that club because it taught me to be more creative with everything I did and most importantly to never be afraid to start over if it means you can do better the second time around. Joining an art club the first year in high school helped me so much and in a way saved me!