I: Intro
II: Learning the truth
III: Getting a Guiding Counselor
IV: Ending
When I came home from school one day, it was a bit cloudy outside like it almost seemed like it was about to rain, I immediately ran to the living room to watch TV for a while. Our living room was simple but spacious. It had two couches, one in front of the TV and the other one beside the Tv. I’ve always gotten an hour of watching Tv but today was different. While I was watching Tv in the living room, I heard my mother speaking to someone over the phone in her bedroom. Being the curious yet sneaky little girl I was, I quietly slipped off the couch and silently walked towards my mother’s bedroom. I was on my tippy toes the entire time since the floorboards under our carpet would creak and groan when someone would walk past normally. I finally arrived at my mother’s bedroom and pressed my ear against the closed door and listened.
“They’re saying she has a learning disability, but I know she doesn’t, she just needs to try harder!” My mother said through the phone to the person on the phone line. I pulled away from the door and rubbed my chin like I saw cartoon characters do on television. At first, my small yet young brain never much of it, “Learning disability? What’s that? Hm, I guess it doesn’t matter.” I thought to myself as I brushed it off with ease and returned back to watching the cartoons in the living room.Â
I love how you were providing scenes in your writing. So as I was reading it, I was able to picture what was happening. But I feel like you can also maybe add on more to your writing by what happened after you returned back to watching your cartoons in the living room? And in your outline, in III. getting a guidance counselor, maybe you want to talk about that in your writing too.
The scenes you provided in your writing made reading this so much more enjoyable because i can actually picture it. The only thing i would say about this is to maybe elaborate more go into what else you heard your mom discussing with dialogue, address if it changed you in anyway after hearing that did you just continue to just let it slip your mind or did you start to think back to what was said and if you did what was that like for you? How did you go about it?
Hi Taniesha, the first sentence can be split into two, so after rain, put a period. Explain more about how you are a sneaky girl. I love the sentence giving me a description of how the floorboard creaks. This is off to a great start. I was hooked. I can tell it will be interesting to read when you’re done.
TANIESHA – This is a very interesting story!
Work on
1. Paragraph Breaks.
2. Timeline
3. Create details for scenes
4. THINK THE 5W’s. THINK CSD concrete specific details.
—–
I: Intro
II: Learning the truth
III: Getting a Guiding Counselor
IV: Ending
[MOVE around beginning sentences and CREATE A SCENE] I remember that day. It was a bit cloudy outside. It almost seemed like it was about to rain [ADD MORE atmospheric details? – Then some details about TIMELINE – WHAT age? September, December? Fall Spring?] When I came home from school, I immediately ran to the living room to watch TV for a while. Our living room was simple but spacious. It had two couches, one in front of the TV and the other one beside the Tv. [DETAILS – stretching out on the couch near tv – throwing your books on the table – grabbing a snack – I was just settling down to watch WHAT show? — IDK all these details but you do, so SHOW ME!]
I’ve always [been allowed to get in] an hour of watching Tv. but today was different. While I was watching Tv in the living room, I heard my mother speaking to someone over the phone in her bedroom. Being the curious yet sneaky little girl I was, I quietly slipped off the couch and silently walked towards my mother’s bedroom. I was on my tippy toes the entire time since the floorboards under our carpet would creak and groan when someone would walk past normally. I finally arrived at my mother’s bedroom and pressed my ear against the closed door and listened. [EXCELLENT DETAILS!]
“They’re saying she has a learning disability, but I know she doesn’t, she just needs to try harder!” my mother said to that person on the phone line.
I pulled away from the door and rubbed my chin like I saw cartoon characters do on television. At first, my small yet young brain never [THOUGHT/MADE?] much of it, “Learning disability? What’s that? Hm, I guess it doesn’t matter.[COMMA not period]” I thought to myself as I brushed it off with ease and returned back to watching the cartoons [WHAT show?] in the living room.
–AND THIS blends well with this earlier HW, so follow with this explanation/analysis that you write here:
In elementary school, I got held back in second grade and when that happened some teachers thought I had a learning disability and told my mother[, Comma Splice CS sentence error – change to period full stop – Capital — s]he never told me, [CS] I overheard it that day in that conversation on which I had eavesdropped*.
But [TIMELINE – the next day, next week?] when I return[ed] to the same classroom, the school gave me a guidance counselor, her name was Ms. G and she was a light skin African American woman with thick black glasses and moles on both of her cheeks. She always wore pretty dresses with a sweater that matched the dress she wore.When I first met her,I thought it was playing games with her since that’s what we do whenever she came to pick me from any of my classes but as the school went on, she began to pick up other girls who had “learning disabilities” like me. At first, I didn’t mind but as time passed it got annoying. The girls that Ms. G picked up everyday alongside me were even dumber than I was, they couldn’t even solve some simple problems or have trouble over the simplest of words while reading.
Good description on Ms. G. NOW can you create a scene in her room (describe Ms. G’s room) “playing games”. Then a description of how the room/relationship/games changed with new girls joining in and how you felt “it got annoying” and realized they were “dumber” than you — maybe better to just say “couldn’t solve problems” that were easy for you. HOW did they answer – SHOW me! Then SHOW me your annoyance. WHAT did you do or think?
–I am curious to know more how this story will continue. You have done a great job piquing my interest as your reader. Your outline doesn’t give me much about what important events happened next to move your story forward to the last part which you call “Ending.” So you need a few, just a few, one or two maybe — key events that show me how you got the help you needed — WHAT is your learning challenge? — show me how gained confidence and got back on track. OR SHOW me that the teacher belieiving you had a disability was a mistake — IDK but something you wrote here gives me this possibility too — IDK but you do. SHOW me how you got back on track — today I see you as a very capable and hard working student! How did this event in your educational life of discovering a disability — How did it shape you?
*look up the word eavesdrop