School wasn’t really for me. Well, that’s what I thought until I got to my sophomore year in high school. When I wasn’t doing my best, I was getting into trouble and had not much going for me. Until I was told that basketball season was starting again, last year I was going to try it out but never got the chance because I had an accident playing at the park and unfortunately broke my left hand and wrist. So, this is my chance to finally have a change. When tryouts came in early October the gym was packed and everyone was there trying to get their name on the list. When it came to schoolwork I wasn’t really “school material” I didn’t really care for school I got C’s and D’s ever since I broke my arm and stopped caring about basketball, schoolwork and everything else school related.
Nows my chance I went to tryouts and started playing the way I was thought to play. I beat everyone and started showing the coach I’m not an average player. So, when the coach pulled me to the side and said, “We need you on this team so please Joshua get your act together” That’s all I needed to hear. That by itself motivated me to do what I must do. I spent long nights and sometimes nights with no sleep for a whole month and some change but that didn’t stop me. The first game started coming up slowly and I showed the Public School Athletic Lauge (PSAL) and my coach everything they needed to see old work that I missed and my present work and even got my attendance fixed. All that to play and be on the basketball team. Then it happened on November 5 I finally got to play my very first game. I was a starter, that’s something to be very proud of, especially when you join your first team. I dropped 25 points, 5 assists, and 7 rebounds.
this is very relatable because sports is very important in many people lives. I would like to see imagery being used a bit. you could have explained your reaction when the coach told you he wanted you in the team.
Excellent comments from Michael. Joshua pls consider his ideas!
Suggestion to use this as a begining quote and start off with:
“School isn’t really for me.”
Well, that’s what I thought until I got to my sophomore year in high school. When I wasn’t doing my best, I was getting into trouble and had not much going for me. Until I was told that basketball season was starting again, last year I was going to try it out but never got the chance because I had an accident playing at the park and unfortunately broke my left hand and wrist. So, this is my chance to finally have a change. When tryouts came in early October the gym was packed and everyone was there trying to get their name on the list. When it came to schoolwork I wasn’t really “school material” I didn’t really care for school I got C’s and D’s ever since I broke my arm and stopped caring about basketball, schoolwork and everything else school related.
Nows my chance I went to tryouts and started playing the way I was thought to play. I beat everyone and started showing the coach I’m not an average player. [Describe with basketball language the exciting things you did in this tryout — make it lively] So, when the coach pulled me to the side and said, “We need you on this team so please Joshua get your act together” That’s all I needed to hear. [show me your reply to him and what were your inner thoughts and feelings at this happy invitation] That by itself motivated me to do what I must do. [SO you could not join the team yet? GIve the facts: What are the academic requirements to be on the team? What became your new goal in order to get on the team?]
I spent long nights and sometimes nights with no sleep for a whole month [good place to create a scene with you late at night in bedroom at desk and coffee and whatever was next to you to describe that late night scene. Think about MX and the night scene with night guards. Create theatre of the mind for your reader.] and some change but that didn’t stop me. [Besides devoting yourself to late night study sesssions, what other steps did you take to improve your academic performance? OR what specific class was your hardship and what steps did you take to improve in that class?]
The first game started coming up slowly and I showed the Public School Athletic Lauge (PSAL) and my coach everything they needed to see old work that I missed and my present work and even got my attendance fixed. [What steps did you take to fix attendance? THEN SHOW me a scene with you showing your new report card to the team coach or the PSAL officers. Give details. SHOW me what your new report card. Give details. ] All that to play and be on the basketball team. [What had you acheived by the end of all these late nights and other strategies you used to reach your goal? SHOW me describe the new better student you had become. “Now, I …. “]
Then it happened on November 5 [good detail] I finally got to play my very first game. I was a starter, that’s something to be very proud of, especially when you join your first team. [How were you feeling when you stepped on the court? What was the vibe in the crowd? Create a scene with the excitement of how you played and how you felt as you played. Show me one of these exciting assists or rebounds. ] I dropped 25 points, 5 assists, and 7 rebounds. [
For a closing — Can you connect achieving on the sports field with achieiving in academics?]
Suggestion: POint of connection to Colin Powell and how ROTC changed his school life. LIke Powell, joining the bball team saved your high school life.