School from Pre-K to 12th grade is like a rollercoaster. It starts in a pit from Hell that you try to dig yourself out of for approximately 14 years desperately trying to reach Heaven. It has its ups and downs, twists and turns and a proposition that is determined by your overall performance. That performance may shape a possible big part of your future: will you ‘live’ in a sense that is worth living or continue on as a dead man walking. From my perspective, I came out with a mixture of both. I learned that education has an overall natural trade system for what you give to the system, it will give back something in return in a 50-50 scenario. It can benefit you or cost you for a specific amount of time that can last for a few days to weeks. Or a few months to years. Results are summed up in three school chapters: elementary school, middle school, and high school. Here are my results from this controversial topic called ‘education system’.

Chapter I: Elementary (Pre-K – 5)

Naturally around this age, you either don’t think too much about the bigger things of life or you don’t think at all. Instead you focus on how to have fun while doing the smallest amount of work possible. My memory of educational achievements, setbacks and wisdom I gained from elementary is fuzzy thus evidence of most preferring joy and puerility around this stage of life. During Pre-K to 4th grade, I was in public school where I had an overall good time. Work was rarely a issue and neither was social interaction. I was a intelligent for that time because I would read a lot albeit it was often forced on me. I was also pretty popular amongst my peers because I had a unique personality that attracted most people cause of the way I could joke and carry relevant conversations with a sense of logic.

But one thing I learned during this period is that I can be merciless in the face of chance, an effective mindset but has some costs. The way I used this merciless mindset to my gain was by brown nosing to teachers. Elementary teachers love to talk down to their students like babies and I spotted this. To make sure I would be accepted by teachers, I would join in and scold my peers in a way that the teacher approved which gained their respect. I did not mean to necessarily brown nose but to get back at peers who I felt wronged me. It may have cost me in terms of friendship, however, this benefited me. Teachers viewed me in a positive way, resulting in better grades.

I learned that brown nosing was beneficial amongst, not just teachers, but adults but consequential because students would possibly hold animosity towards me. It was a choice I indirectly made but I didn’t acknowledge this at the time because of how young I was. Fortunately, I had yet to have a good reason to care. In the middle of 4th grade, I transferred to private school, a moment in my life I view as a bait-and-switch. The environment and quality of teachers, students and staff was different to the point my brown nosing technique that I was not aware of would no longer be necessary because the teachers seemed to be more lenient but also more strict on moral and religious matters.

Another consequence to brown nosing was the ‘snitch’ label. Being labeled a snitch grew more dangerous on your reputation thus the end of of the effectiveness of brown nosing. In the meantime, I simply did my work and that was it. I used whatever means to get by with work without care, turned blind to people’s wants and did whatever I had to do for me which was good enough. Looking back at elementary, I understand that if you set a goal, big or small, and seek it mercilessly, it’s almost guaranteed to be accomplished. But I also learned that accomplishing goals with little mercy will always spark discontent and bitterness to some viewers which has potential risks.

Unfortunately, I did not adapt my merciless mentality or implement a new style to benefit myself. Because my environment was different, my methods were antiquated. This signaled imminent Hell that started in 5th grade that I was oblivious too due to my inability to balance work and socialization with lack of awareness. I was vulnerable and it soon became obvious to people who soon exploited it.

Chapter II: Middle school (6 – 8)

Middle school is around a time students grow a little more enlightened and experience physical changes to their body. I would believe that is a time to grow and study emotional bonding do’s and don’ts with a list of goals post middle school. However, for me, middle school was a labyrinth that contained bullying and exploitation at the sense of my vulnerability that took me not only years to escape from, but still takes me years to fully understand in retrospective to this day. It’s overall a Hellish and scarring experience that is painful to recall.

To recap educational wisdom I’ve attained from this time is hard for me to share due to my equilibrium being disrupted from frequent antagonism, but if there is any shred of wisdom I can give from this experience, no matter how obvious it may seem, is if you reveal your talents, people who acknowledge them will seek to exploit them for their own benefit then disregard you when you are no longer useful. After nearly being held back in the 5th grade, I barely saved myself because of my score in social studies. I discovered I had a knack for English and History which helped me get by to avoid grade retention. But what I didn’t discover is that this ‘knack’ was being exploited amongst peers that did not care about me but their selfish needs.

Knowing that I not only had a talent but a talent in history made me feel really good about myself. So good that I would flex this knowledge. I answered questions the teacher asked without having to think about it, did well on my homework and aced tests. This bragging right went over my head and I foolishly allowed people to use this for their needs. People would use this talent as a way to belittle me as a class joke, which unfortunately was found amusing by students. For example, I remember answering questions in history class so accurately that the teacher humorously refused to allow me to answer any more. After homework was assigned, two students came up to me and asked me for the answers. I turned them down and they responded with mean glares and insults. The next day, I heard another classmate saying, “Do you hear how Casimir answers those questions in class? He has no life” knowing I was three feet away from him. If could provide answers, it was for their gain. If I did not provide the help my classmates wanted, I received backlash in the form of ridicule or bullying. It was a lose-lose scenario.

This treatment caused me to hate who I was and lose self-respect. Whatever dignity I once had was long gone only to be replaced with emotional insecurity and depression. I was a pariah. But this scar that I still carry also acted as a blessing in disguise. It gave me a beneficial drive that is still active: to live life for myself. How I do it? By exercising my physically and mentally. At the time I had a decent amount of brain, but lacked brawn. After being slapped full force from behind while silently reading a book by a frequent antagonist, the feeling stayed with me internally and I wanted to make a change.

It gave me shame and personal dissatisfaction so, after about a year and a half from that incident, I started going to a MMA gym (I still attend it to this day) where I grew more fit and learned techniques to defend myself. I fell in love with it to the point I wanna get in the ring and compete one day. Ever since I stepped through that door, I feel a greater sense of pride and a little more emotional secure. Despite middle school taxing away at my mental health, resulting in scars that I still carry such as anxiety and insecurity, it gave me a sense of awareness. I now can spot a bad spirit and it helped me discover a lifestyle that gives me a reason to live: combat sports. Despite these beneficial abilities, I was lacking in something important which I did not notice that I would discover during high school.

Chapter III: High school (9-12)

When I entered High school, I disregarded common tropes. For example, I didn’t believe freshmen were targets for the higher grades to beat on, but viewed it as a fresh start with new opportunity. Unfortunately, this opportunistic enthusiasm deteriorated. I started believing a lot of the material was being forced down everybody’s throat as well as some classes not being necessary for everybody’s future. Another reason my enthusiasm deteriorated was because the scars from middle school such as anxiety and insecurity were left untreated. Instead of tending to the scars properly, I threw salt in them.

How my enthusiasm deteriorated academically was classes struggling in classes I believed I did not need. For me, it was algebra which does not help me move closer to my future goals in a significant way. I also despised taking the state regents but I wouldn’t let work hold me down so I accepted it and pushed through to continue forward. This taught me that the education system is one dimensional for it leans more in favor towards a single specific style of learning that benefits only a small group of learners while excluding other types of intellectuals. The difference with pushing through High school is I didn’t need to be merciless like I was in Elementary, but more cunning and adaptive instead. For example, I had more internet access and used my phone to get answers easier. Sometimes I would ‘cheat’. I’d use a calculator or, if it’s not math related, I’d Google answers. It made math and science class slightly easier to get by.

How my enthusiasm deteriorated socially and internally was series of self given lies I was oblivious too. I felt whatever happened in my past that was negative would not affect me because now I considered myself fully capable to handle not just the classwork, but a scrap with another peer, something I wished I was capable of back in middle school. I deemed fighting and being standoffish satisfying in the beginning. After all, nobody cared about who I was until I started fighting back. This was wrong. I now view this belief as misguided from retrospect.

There were times I ruminated about my past abuse (unfortunately I still do). Ruminating lead me to wishing I could have done something different in middle school to better myself. Now saw I had my chance to make those wishes into reality. During the beginning of freshman year, I saw signs of the treatment I received in middle school emerging from boys in my gym class, whom I shared my schedule with in other classes. I practiced my misguided solution: solidify a reputation by using my fists to prevent that abuse from reoccurring by displaying my fighting abilities through a few brawls in the locker room. An example was a peer in my gym class ridiculing me as well as becoming physical pushing me and throwing weak punches to my stomach. One day, I addressed it in the lockeroom and challenged him to a fight. He agreed and I put on a display that received cheers from those who witnessed it. I gained respect and I felt good about it. This most likely went over my head in the future.

My fights were seen by few, then gossiped by all. I was satisfied by the recognition because, due to my constant rumination, this is what I wanted years prior. However, something was off. Later down the road, my impulsiveness ended up with me receiving a 2-day principal suspension after an altercation. In Economics class (my favorite class in 9th grade), I got into a petty argument with a female that escalated and got physical. This incident increased internal aggression and turmoil after protesting my innocence that I did not initiate nor make physical contact…yet. I stood against NYC High School’s Zero Tolerance policy, but I deemed it fruitless to be upset the way I was looking back at it.

Despite all this, Freshmen year was my favourite high school year and it was not until 11th grade where I started noticing the cracks of mental health that I overlooked. I saw looking at my previous years that I was intemperate, impulsive and had too many chips on my shoulder likely due to ruminating about previous grievances. I attempted to implement two types of coping mechanisms to heal from these scars and grievances. At one point, it was to build a reputation from fighting on the notion it would bury my emotions. This misguided notion caused me to feel remorseful for hurting people while also proving to be risky as I got suspended. Next, I tried to swallow my pain away and move on but this failed me spiritually. This seemingly paradoxical state made me more emotionally hurt than ever in recent memory. Both coping mechanisms failed, possibly making my mood worse.

I felt I was out of luck and options until I learned overtime these failures illuminated an important skill I had to practice: to forgive myself and others who wronged me and accepting my previous history. For the majority of my life all I did was survive and endure, but recently I traded surviving for fighting. Unfortunately, I ‘fought’ the wrong way. Instead of trying to fight what is done, and building a ‘tough guy’ persona, I needed a catharsis which is what I am still in progress at this time.

Epilogue

In the beginning, I stated that the education system is a natural trade system for what you give holds a 50-50 chance that is either positive or negative. What I gave to this system through my 14 years is potential. Along came persistence, vulnerability, fortitude, hunger, demotivation, hatred, kindness and endurance. In return, the educational system gave me chance. That chance contained success, failure, happiness, depression, friends, foes, anxiety and wisdom. Both positive and negative effects, some results are short-lived whereas others stayed active.

Throughout those 14 years, my positive traits grew into being a smart, empathetic, open-minded, philosophical human being with less vulnerability. As for consequences it fueled my anxiety, gave me insecurity, and exposure to depression. Post High school, I came out overall physically fit and intelligent with potential be something great and unique in my future so I chose the route to excel in growth through college. Now that I have mostly escaped from that fiery pit, I hope college grants me the sense of absolution.

What I seek from college is something I believe is rare to achieve, not just in grades Pre-K -12 grade, but life itself: a catharsis for the weight I carry that came from my upbringing so that I may be more spiritually liberated from my previous self. Grade school lacks emotional support which allows a constant cycle of bullying and discontent to occur among students. This cycle can impede emotional connections that can lead to a permanent stunt of internal growth for future adulthood. If I could change anything about grade school, it is to implement more counselors to teach all students about sympathy, emotional connection and communication so future students do not have to endure the pain I, as well as many others, had to endure.