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5 thoughts on “Alexandria Dorato/ Essay 1 draft”
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Hi Alexandria, I enjoyed reading your essay. I am happy that you were there for her. You taught her what was right or wrong. I liked that you stated your essay in one sequence. You talked about her that she was your friend from kindergarten, then you talked about high school , cover-19and so on. I felt that you didn’t rush which was good. The only think in your essay that I think you could improve is to write full sentences when you explain anything and you could add more detail to it. Overall,it was good and I really enjoyed reading your essay.
I loved reading your story about you and your friend. I really liked how you wrote everything in so many details and explained everything so nicely. From your story, I learned that you are someone that your friend can always count on and you always want the best for your people. Tbh I don’t really think your essay needs any improvement. It looks perfect to me. But the only thing I would say is to write a little more about yourself.
I really enjoyed reading your essay and liked that you included alot of details in your essay. It must have been hard to see one of your close friends make decisions that arent the best for her but you stuck by her side and was a really good friend. I also liked how you mentioned the things you learned from your friends life choices. It made you realize that your making the right choices in your life and that your not in a bad path. I dont see anything that you should change, your essay is really good.
I enjoyed reading your essay, I believe that there is always a reason why a persona acts the way they do. In your fiends case its the fact that she didn’t have certain this other people had. Im glad that you worked hard and took very advantage you were given, even though your friend went down the wrong path. I think you should write more about how you over came your obstacles, and how your friend situation effected you.
I like the depth of the conflict in this essay, it shows how life hits us all in different ways, and how our reactions to our life’s circumstances can push us towards positive or negative paths.
I also like how your essay discusses conflict in nurturing methods, and the difference in results; seen when the lax attitude of your friend’s mom led to your friend not understanding consequence and responsibility, and how it contrasts to how your upbringing has led to you knowing what is responsible and not. The way that your work dives into the psychology of child nurturing and gradual growth is really thought-provoking and opens a multitude of options to incorporate that topic into your work in order to strengthen your argument. Really well done.
Since I have to write a suggestion to improve the essay, I’d say just fix some order of thoughts to make your work flow a bit easier. (Your intro talked about your friend then the next paragraph discussed your performance in school then the next went back again to your friend; it was kinda confusing to hop back and forth between ideas in the first few paragraphs but after that the flow was fine.)