There is the demon of suicide. That is one of the few things that have changed me. The levels of self hate, disappointment, self loathing, and loss I felt from ages 16 and 22 were very shaping for me. It changed my mind and my emotions. I usually feel empty and numb. Not much excites me in life, it’s all very gray so to speak. It is incredibly embarrassing but at 22 I wanted to kill myself over a woman. At 16 I wanted to kill myself because I had no sense of belonging or love in my life. I was bitter, angry, and lost. The only way out that made sense at the time was to take my own life. I started cutting my wrists and swallowing pills to take my own life. I have even swallowed bleach, which made me throw up hours later. I even wanted to dropout out of school because life just seemed so fruitless and I didn’t see a bright future for myself. Even to this day, at 26 years old, I find that life has only gotten harder and the demon of suicide still floats around in my head. It seems I can’t drown it out. I go to therapy and attempt college courses but it seems that I only fail in the process. Whenever I look in the mirror I see someone who is worthless and only struggles to survive. I can’t say there is much progress in my life when it comes to this. All I can say is that I strive to be better everyday but my endeavors seemed to have reaped no fruit. But this is how worshipping death and attempting suicide has changed me: it makes me regret life. I almost abhor life itself. It seems life is constant failure, one step forward and eight steps back. I find myself forcing my way through life, struggling to find meaning and any real joy besides sinful vices. But deep down I realize I truly must hate myself and not life, because it seems as though others can triumph and overcome adversity while I constantly fall to my knees and beg for death. To this day death seems like a bittersweet freedom from what some call a blessing. I just feel this deep hole inside of me, this empty feeling most of the time. The times where I don’t feel empty I am filled with melancholy and even rage. It seems like I have only made my life a living hell as I attempt to finish school. Even then, I feel hopeless.