There is the demon of suicide. That is one of the few things that have changed me. The levels of self hate, disappointment, self loathing, and loss I felt from ages 16 and 22 were very shaping for me. It changed my mind and my emotions. I usually feel empty and numb. Not much excites me in life, it’s all very gray so to speak. It is incredibly embarrassing but at 22 I wanted to kill myself over a woman. At 16 I wanted to kill myself because I had no sense of belonging or love in my life. I was bitter, angry, and lost. The only way out that made sense at the time was to take my own life. I started cutting my wrists and swallowing pills to take my own life. I have even swallowed bleach, which made me throw up hours later. I even wanted to dropout out of school because life just seemed so fruitless and I didn’t see a bright future for myself. Even to this day, at 26 years old, I find that life has only gotten harder and the demon of suicide still floats around in my head. It seems I can’t drown it out. I go to therapy and attempt college courses but it seems that I only fail in the process. Whenever I look in the mirror I see someone who is worthless and only struggles to survive. I can’t say there is much progress in my life when it comes to this. All I can say is that I strive to be better everyday but my endeavors seemed to have reaped no fruit. But this is how worshipping death and attempting suicide has changed me: it makes me regret life. I almost abhor life itself. It seems life is constant failure, one step forward and eight steps back. I find myself forcing my way through life, struggling to find meaning and any real joy besides sinful vices. But deep down I realize I truly must hate myself and not life, because it seems as though others can triumph and overcome adversity while I constantly fall to my knees and beg for death. To this day death seems like a bittersweet freedom from what some call a blessing. I just feel this deep hole inside of me, this empty feeling most of the time. The times where I don’t feel empty I am filled with melancholy and even rage. It seems like I have only made my life a living hell as I attempt to finish school. Even then, I feel hopeless.
About
Professor: Jessica Penner
Email: creative.writing.citytech2@gmail.com
Office Hours: Tuesdays and Thursdays, 11:30 AM – 12:30 PM. I’ll be available through Zoom and will send an invitation via email that you should keep all semester. Try to join my meeting at the start of the hour, not at the end—since I may be talking to other students or have another appointment after the hour is up. If those times don’t work with your schedule, we can schedule a different time. This means you’ll have to schedule an appointment in advance. I suggest you have multiple times in mind, since your schedule may not mesh with mine!
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Ursula C. Schwerin Library
New York City College of Technology, C.U.N.Y
300 Jay Street, Library Building - 4th Floor
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