Believe it or not, in a way, I feel anonymous all the time. In a metaphorical way, but nonetheless. From my perspective (as surely I’m not the only one who feels the things I feel that make me have this sentiment), everyone else has something going for them, a way they stand out in a way that makes unique impressions on people, a presence that is missed by others when they’re not around, something that they’re specialize in, something they’re adept at, etc. I feel that I lack all those things. I don’t have any gravitas.

I don’t have anything going on for me outside of school, and even in that, I’m behind in ways (most of that due to the pandemic) and not as capable concerning things taught in my major. I don’t stand out in any way. Not that I have an inherent issue with that, as everyone has a role to play and I’d much rather be a background force. However, as a result of not standing out, I don’t think I leave any impressions on people, but this very much is also be a result of my largely reserved nature. I lack a presence that people actually miss. Whenever I’m gone from my “home environment” (places, people,etc. I usually tend to be around) or away from those I’m close with, no one checks in on me the way one would with someone who they haven’t seen in a long while in a way to maintain the connection even over long distances. When I return, the fanfare is minimal. Not that I’m purposefully seeking attention, but when friends who go to school far away return, the fanfare is always drastically different. You can tell that they were missed.  Even to this day, I wish to be able to be away for long enough in order to have even a somewhat similar reception upon returning. I have no skills or anything tangible that I’m good at. There’s so much things I’d like to learn that don’t involve anything more than one’s own naturally ability to express themselves or naturally pick up over time, and everyone else I see doing those things seem to pick it up quickly, get better over time or find a way to do things their way. I fear I’ll never get better over time, or adapt at any sort of pace at all. From how I see things, I live in a world where everybody is “making it look easy”.

Compared to even others at my age, there’s so much of life that I haven’t experienced, and while I know that I’m not some anomaly for living life at my own pace, purposefully not seeking to be placed in certain situations at the point I’m at in my life, or behind some established “curve”, at times I can’t help but think that subtracts from me as a person and it only causes me a greater amount of anxiety over what will happen when I am in those situations. It doesn’t help that these days, people know you have to start somewhere, but also want nothing to do with you if you can’t hit the mark from the jump, or every time.

Lastly, I feel as if I have no sense of direction, whether it be finding my niche as a person, or finding direction in my life. I not sure where I’m going, not fully sure if I’ll be able to do what I want to do, and no idea where that combination of things is going to take me. Close friends describe me as mysterious, someone who you can’t get a read on, and a high school teacher I had once told me directly that she could never figure me out. In the moment, I was immensely pleased to hear that, as our relationship was… complicated. She certainly wasn’t a teacher I hated or even disliked, but she did have favorites that she would never hesitate to remind us of and would act as if she didn’t she didn’t care about the rest of us. So that, combined with my dislike of the class itself, made me decide to be a “challenge” to (but not a problem for) her. However, it’s only until much later that I realized that she couldn’t figure me out because I myself can’t figure me out, and most people from the outside looking in don’t know that or understand what be an enigma of sorts is like. I try my best to be more self-aware than I was the day before, and in spite of all my personal “unsureness”, while not utterly complete and also prone to first-person bias, I very much have a grasp of myself as a person, what I believe, how I think, what motivates me and why I am the way I am. So I guess being this middle of the road figure is my niche as a person, but I can’t help feeling like a “Lurker at the Threshold” of sorts, someone whose state of being is contradictory, someone who is in touch but outside the loop at the same time, always in crowds they’re comfortable in but feeling out of place enough to be doubtful, whether it be due to thinking differently, living differently, etc. Someone who is within and within to the point of being a “non-being . The Lovecraft reference is fitting, because people find me alien in a way, even my own parents, and I too tend to feel the same towards people at times.

I feel like that may also be part of the problem, the fact I may be too alien for most and in turn others are too alien to me. So while I’d like to get rid of my anonymous feelings, at the end of the day, the efforts come from me as much as the feelings do and may well not do anything. Things I may perceive as upgrades may mean nothing to others. Though, I would like to do so. I often think to myself that I would like to get to the place where I can show and/or let people know how I really feel about them and/or the way they have treated me, and a lot of being “in place” is having the money needed to make the improvements I would like to make for myself, and the time for things that don’t necessarily require money. Like being able to learn skills, meet new people, etc. I can’t guarantee even then that I’ll gain more presence, but in my eyes, becoming more alien as a trade-off for being less anonymous is not just fair, but actually a net gain. Even if my presence is uncanny, if it’s strong enough to be distinct, then I’m better off than I am right now as someone who is a quandary that no one cares to piece together.

Yet, as someone as self-conscious and indecisive as I am, I do wish I had more input from those close to me, to bounce my ideas off of, for the feedback, and ultimately, direction. I’m willing to make the venture by myself should it come to that (and that very well may be what’s best, to travel without anyone else’s input so everything that results is purely of me), but traversing the dark with no light whatsoever is only something I’d like to do as a last resort. I’m the furthest thing from family-oriented, so as far as I’m concerned, my friends are my family and the ones that know me best as an individual compared to my actual family. Not to say that I hate the idea of “family”, but family-oriented people are aliens to me and at best, are people I admire but have absolutely no desire to become or have any envy towards. It’s just not what I know.

My fascination with The Lurker used to be just that, but over time, especially during the early days of the pandemic, succumbing to the lack of human interaction, I began to sort of identify with it in the most realistic way a human could, concerning its nature as a being that defines the boundaries of our world yet exists outside of it. My fascination then extended towards the concept of limenality (the transitory state between the old and the new), thresholds and the real-life mythological figure Janus, the Roman god of gates, doorways, transitions, duality, time, beginnings and endings. Essentially Yog-Sothoth (The Lurker)’s real-life equivalent, or rather the closest thing to such.

I mention all this, because as I said before, I found myself to naturally have a place of belonging in groups and circles I’m whilst at the same time feeling alienated, essentially always being on the threshold of any social group I’m in. Yet, what if the aforementioned concepts brought more questions: what if these feelings and experiences are part of my liminal stage into adulthood? What if I’ll always be at this metaphorical threshold, and where I’m at currently is my transition from not being used to it, to being well-adjusted and at peace with my specific place in the world as this?

All this rambling (which in spite of its nature, is meant to be an objective analysis of feelings and thoughts that are very largely a result of my personal insecurities and anxiety) to say, that in the midst of a world of people who know who they are, have an established grasp on life in terms of an identity, have a well-enough defined road ahead of them, etc., in comparison, as someone who lacks those things (or feels that way), I feel anonymous. Like a shadow, something that fills a room, but doesn’t physically occupy space. Someone who is, but isn’t enough to be somebody. Someone who is, but isn’t.