Seraphina was the definition of the prodigy child. Always aced every test and was good at almost every hobby. She also had the strongest power out of all the elements: fire. But she was limited, limited to only the free schools that the orphanage could afford for her. The orphanage manager was devastated that that those were the only school she could go to. She was so much more. Getting hand-me down books from upper grades were what kept her learning more and sneaking in the upper society school gyms to practice.Â
Her school, Little Valley High School, was the simplest of all the high schools in the Crystal City. The best school was Golden Oak Institute, where all the upper society, nobles, and royals went to. Golden Oak Institute was known for its intense curricular and extra-curricular classes. From advance math to writing and even to classes such Powers 101. Everyone who attended managed to graduate with their elemental powers maxed out and getting the best of jobs, such as working for the royal families, becoming the most adored soldiers, or owning big companies. It had the most high-end facilities, everything Seraphina could use to bring out more of her potential and to show just how strong of a fire user she was.
Every day that she could, she would sit by the park across the entrance of Golden Oak to look at its beauty. It had a big bronze gate with the school logo on it, a sword with wings facing up in front of a shield. The perimeter of the school grounds were lined with mile high hedges. In the afternoon, she would see sleek black limos and cars carrying students from school back to their luxurious homes a few blocks from the school. Past the school, sitting on a hill, was where Seraphina could she the Crystal Palace, was the home of the most powerful royals in all of the planet of Asilunia, the royal family of the Solar Kingdom. On her spot in the park, she could see the path that the royal children would take from school to their home in their white horse drawn carriages. Everyday, while sitting and staring she would fantasize about how her life would be if she could just attend that school.
One evening, after her regular “sessions” in the park, Seraphina arrived back at the orphanage, but something was out of place. There parked in front of the shabby run-down school turned orphanage was a sleek black car with the Golden Oak Institute logo on it. She could not believe her eyes. It cannot be. It cannot be, Seraphina thought to herself when she ran towards the entrance and busted through the door. There sat in the living room was this well dressed woman. She had a low bun, wearing a black suit and a red blouse. On her suit jacket was a Golden Oak pin. She turned and smiled at Seraphina.Â
“You must be her,” She said standing up and reaching a hand towards Seraphina. “I’m Mrs. Brown, assistant to the headmaster back at Golden Oak.”Â
“I know who you are, you’re on the school website,” Seraphina half-whispered back, still in disbelief. “Why is a woman like you here at a place like this?”Â
Mrs. Brown laughed, “I was just about to tell you. Come sit.”
Seraphina slowed walked over to the sofa next to the chair Mrs. Brown sat at. I hope she’s here for what I think it is, she thought as she sat down.
“As you know every year a select few students are given the opportunity to attend our prestigious school with all expenses covered through our scholarship. I’ve noticed your application was blown away by how much you’ve accomplished even with the little resources that you have.”Â
Seraphina could not believe her ears, she started getting excited and jittery that her hands became sweaty and her legs were shaking. I’ve waited so long for this, gave my application every year since 6th grade, just please tell me I got in to your high school program.Â
“And I personally wanted to let you know that you…got in,” Mrs. Brown said with a huge smile on her face and started clapping.Â
“YES! YES! Thank you so much!!!,” Seraphina exclaimed as she jumped up from the sofa. “I’ve waited so long for this.”Â
“Of course you have. I will be back in two days to discuss everything.” Seraphina led Mrs. Brown to the door. “Welcome to Golden Oak Institute Miss Seraphina.”Â
“Thank you so much. I won’t let you down”.Â
“I know you won’t,” Mrs. Brown said as she entered the car and drove off.Â
Seraphina closed the door and ran to her room jumping with excitement. This is it. Finally. Finally indeed. She can finally show off just how much potential is in her.
In general, I enjoyed the storyline and how at the end she got what she dreamed of. You have great storytelling skills. It was very descriptive and I was able to picture everything as I read along. I like how with the dialogue you also describe what the character is doing while saying so which helps the reader get a visual and it adds more to the story. I honestly don’t have suggestions for the dialogue, I feel like there was a perfect amount placed throughout the story.
1. I remember the stress of wanting to get into my dream school and unlike my experience this ended on a much happier note which I enjoyed a lot.
2. The dialogue really brought the story to life and I could feel the stress the characters were put through and it felt like I was in high school waiting for those letters to arrive home.
3. The dialogue seems perfectly fine, maybe have some extra words in there just to describe actions, like jumping around as they scream yes over and over.
4. I would add some dialogue towards the beginning because you do introduce everything and describe what’s happening but it’s nice to know if the character interacts with anyone.
What I enjoyed most about this story is how you describe the characters you present to the reader and their tones for when they speak or think. I liked how you showed the excitement in Seraphina’s words even when she was just thinking to herself (such as the repeating of certain phrases). In the dialogue you have you can add more nervousness in the beginning of her exchange with the headmaster to add realism. Maybe adding a bit more dialogue between her and the headmaster can help keep the reader hooked for more.