For as long as I can remember having breath in my lungs, I grew up surrounded by the “Hallelujahs” and “Amen” from church. I was born into Christianity because that’s what my parents decided early on that that would be my belief and faith. I grew up being a part of this great worship team and going to Christian camp. Our church was known for having the best musicians so they would play every year at camp without skipping a beat. I grew up in Catholic school because in the Bronx, the public schools at that time weren’t so great. I remember at 12 years old always walking around with my little red bible reading it and not understanding why I felt such importance. I wanted everyone in my class to see that I knew Jesus and I wanted them to know Him too. Due to this, they bullied me. I remember even at church always being the odd girl even though I grew up with everyone. At camp everyone ran away from me and I would wonder if there was just something wrong with me. I remember whenever I would worship with my girls from church my mic would always get lowered and I would get scolded by my pianist exclaiming why I didn’t sing loud enough into the mic. It got to the point where I was sat down and I questioned my own worth as worshipper before God. I questioned my value. At school I was rejected and bullied. 

At my church I received the same treatment when all I wanted to do was be a part of the bond they all had, but I still loved them and joined them to go out when asked because I wanted that acceptance. It got to the point where I asked myself if I really knew the God my parents served. During my high school years my family walked away from the Lord. I would drink constantly. I had anxiety and depression. I had lost the identity of who I was, but I was chasing my dream career doing an internship for Homeland Security at JFK Airport. I still wasn’t happy. I was trying to fill this void in my chest in which I couldn’t find what it was. Nothing I did would fill that void. That same void that even rich people search for.  It wasn’t until in my distress, I felt the Lord call me to turn back to Him. I can’t explain to anyone the feeling, but it was a feeling of knowing I didn’t belong where I was. 

At 18 years old I gave my life back to Christ and that’s when anxiety overtook me due to something that happened in my life. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating, I felt as if I was going insane. It wasn’t until I read the story of David which is in the Old Testament 2 Samuel. In this story David was the rejected child. He was the one kept hidden and was always tending to the sheep. He was the one the Lord used the prophet Samuel to go and seek. God chose David because of his heart. David faced many trials and tribulations and failed in sin time and time again, but what did he do? He always went before the Lord presenting his faults and showing his imperfections. Through David I learned that it didn’t matter how many times I failed, Jesus would be there to pick me back up. Through David I learned that everyone, even Chritaisns are still human and they will always fail you, but God will never. He sees our inward self and our hearts and knows who we really are when a lot of times we don’t. 

So what’s the point? The point is to chase Jesus because it’s a love no one can give except for Him. The verse that helped me was Psalms 27:10 “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” I realized that it didn’t matter who cared or who didn’t want me, what mattered to me is that Jesus did and it gave me that real impact and understanding of the God my parents know. What gave me my value was Psalms 139:16 “Your eyes saw my substance yet unformed. And in Your book they were all fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.” In this I realized that before I was even official in my mothers womb as a baby, He saw me and gave me love, worth, value, and purpose. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, He sent His one and only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” This allowed me to know that Jesus paid it all for you and me so that we could walk with Him freely. Through this understanding my anxiety and depression left. I have my study bibles because I love the study of theology and love learning more about the history the Bible has. I was set free with truth and life from the Bible. I’m 23 now and I currently go to a different church full of youth and young adults. My pastors are young adults themselves and don’t sugar coat anything. I’ve never experienced real love from Christians until I started sharing my love the same way they do. I’m a part of a new growing worship team called “Dunamis Worship” and I just feel alive and as if I’m whole because He filled what I was missing. That missing piece everyone is looking for. I wouldn’t leave Jesus’ truth for anything and if anything I’m blessed that I was encountered with truth.Â