Jonathan Ciabotaru
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Melecia Lee comments:
1. I like that I could have clearly identify why you became interested in the topic of how to recognize human behavior through statistical analysis from early in your paper when you mentioned âhow the word usage is affectedâŠ.and I find that really fascinatingâ. I think your first paragraph should have opened with this statement because this is the direction of the remaining paper. I think this is a strong sentence and it can be your thesis statement. I canât connect the basketball example with your paper. I would omit that piece.
2. There are a few sections where youâre trying to introduce a section that comes out of an article and one good way of saying it can be âIn Brooksâ article entitled âThe Philosophy of Dataâ, â instead of âOn brooks article the philosophy of dataâ. Also on page one the section âThat is the whole point of Brooks in his second articleâ can be reworded to say âThat is the whole point of Brooksâ second article.â
3. There was only one instance of a repetition of a point that was made and it may be a mistake but since I am notorious of repeating myself I figure Iâd point it out because I wouldnât want you to make the same mistake that I make. I usually ask a friend to read my paper and they usually point out those areas where I am being repetitious. I think the section on page one that states âso people with more self-confidence than others say less the word “I” than othersâ needs to be deleted because itâs repeating the point that you had just made. You did a great job at making the point and I understood it. No need for the last statement that I just mentioned in the quotes above.
4. Paragraphs that are conclusion can perhaps begin with âBased on the studies that BarabĂĄsi and Feldman conductedâŠâ instead of âWith the studies that BarabĂĄsiâŠâ because I donât think that a conclusion can start with the word âWithâ.
5. Keep stating exactly where the information you are writing about came from. One example of an area where mentioning precisely where an idea or example came from is on page two where it states âIn the example of the presidents,âŠ. about who they areâ. I think the example is from one of Brooksâ articles but the paragraph on page two began with some research you did so Iâm not sure if you were able to connect the Presidents examples from Brooksâ article with some research you found but I donât see the connection, perhaps a quote from the research will prove that another person also thinks the same about lack of self-confidence when using the word âIâ. Another area where you made a good point but I wasnât sure if this was your opinion or someone elseâs was on page two with the paragraph that starts off with âThe most interesting articles I readâ and ended with a quote âstretch the truthâ. If the point here was a part of your research then at the end of the quote or paraphrase state the authorâs name and the page number that the quote or paraphrase came from as this will avoid plagiarism. I love the paragraph on page three that states âAnother study conductedâŠ.humans being so predictable.â because you clearly show the point youâre making and clearly identified where the quotes and thoughts came from.
6. The conclusion paragraph has a sentence that states ââŠand also to determine the quantity of the data, and the results.â which I would omit because your entire research speaks of human behavior being predictable based on research but the paper doesnât speak of the quantity of data. There was one section that speaks of 93% but this is not a good representation of the quantity of the data. When speaking of the quantity of the data then some mention of the sample size of the people that Northeastern University network scientists did their research on would have been needed. For all I know their research could have been on 10 people which means 93% of behavior was assessed based on 10 people. I doubt this is the case but it can weaken your research so I would recommend deleting that section that I quoted above.
Summary
I must say again that I enjoy reading your paper because I clearly and easily knew where your research was headed which is a defect that I have when I am writing. I like that you clearly stated why you became interested in the human behavior being identified through statistics when you said âhow the word usage is affectedâŠ.and I find that really fascinatingâ. I also like your connection with human behavior identified via statistical research done by Northeastern University network scientists and you proved it well when you identified the percentage ââŠreactions is predictable 93% of the timeâ. One note when doing your paper is to be careful with ensuring that you clearly identify the name of an article and its author for example the opening paragraph could have quotes around the name of Brooksâ article so any reader will know that Brooks is the author of the article. Also maintain citing your quotes for example on page two that states ââŠdonât lie, or if they donât âstretch the truthââŠâ which I think is a quote from one of your research but Iâm not sure which one. Clearly stating where your quotations came from will avoid plagiarism. One last piece is to be careful with the additional two research citations used in the paper because I think the Professor wanted us to get specifically scholarly articles. I think the http://phys.org/news186174216.html might be a journal and it may be acceptable but I am not sure if http://www.livescience.com/14152-destructive-human-behaviors-bad-habits.html is an acceptable Source. I could definitely be wrong so I would recommend confirming your Sources with the Professor. Like me, you too have to reread your work when itâs finished because you will notice those areas where there are mis-paragraphing and a huge space between paragraphs. I am so guilty of that too. Your research grabs me to read it and I canât wait for the finalized version.