Outline and Opening – Adan G.

  1. I will use the Mentor Quote prompt. I might also use Between Two Worlds.
  2. The Main Idea of my education narrative will be showing that I was always an obedient Chinese daughter and followed my father’s wishes to become a doctor until I dropped out of medical school.
  3. OUTLINE:
  1. Intro: (opening)- Mentor quote from my physics professor helping me understand that I don’t need to try and be good at everything but look for what my academic strengths are, Mr. Khuram Syal.
  2. Event 1. Received low marks on every essay I ever wrote for the entirety of middle school and beginning of high school.
  3. Event 2. Mr. K noticed I was able to finish any of his assignments within minutes along with any other class I had.
  4. Event 3. Had a 30-minute talk after school with him where he helped me understand that I didn’t matter how much time I was spending on becoming better if I wasn’t doing it the right way.
  5. Conclusion: I graduated with high marks on anything dealing with numbers and decent grades on anything that involved writing but higher than I would’ve got on my own, while also enjoying the short time I had left in high school.
  6. Overall Message: My two and a half years of normal/in person high school were more enjoyable, and I discovered the way I can succeed in the things I consider more important while also not leaving things other things behind completely. Not only am I speaking about writing related classes or math related classes, but choosing the things I know are more important to me, and not letting other things get in the way.

Opening for my essay:

 “Do not let one grade, determined by one person, who can make one mistake, determine how smart you think you are. You have come this far with other skills, that you can’t allow this one class to mess with your ability to do what you do best.” Only 7 minutes into talking and he said the one thing that changed the way I viewed school and myself. The only things that ever terrified me in school were books, and writing, never understood why it was difficult. Everything else didn’t matter to me during the first few years in this country. I knew math and science was the same here and in Mexico, but the one thing different was English. Reading at what seemed to be 3rd grade level in 6th grade was humiliating, although I knew what the book was saying I never got to uncover what was underneath. Other kids seemed to always say something completely unrelated to what the words were saying, “they are definitely making things up”. Then the teacher congratulated them, and I would always just read over and over again, until it was my turn, and I had to scroll to the next page and find which “The” the teacher was talking about.

The same thing was the next year until I somehow graduated, of course it was only because the system allows me to move up even if my understanding is not up to the other student’s standards. Then high school started, and I was determined to catch up to all the students in the class. The beginning was easy as most assignments didn’t require more than just surface reading and seeing if we could read at all, then I noticed I wasn’t really behind the students with regards to reading, I was behind in writing. I never really thought of how I was writing since most of the time I was being told to write what I could since I was a ELS (English Learner Student). I thought the most important thing was understanding what I was reading and forgot I had to show them that I was understanding what I was reading, sadly the only way accepted by the system was by writing. Now I was in the same situation but a different predicament. In the eyes of the school, I’m still not up to student standards, only this time I do understand what I’m reading, just not how to fully articulate a 5-paragraph essay stating that I do. Also, in high school I would not have the same privileges I had in middle school, now I’m held to the same writing grading system as everyone else, and the stress to stay afloat began. This struggle only lasted freshmen year, as I would meet who helped me overcome this barrier in sophomore year. Spending less time on something you’re not good at and expecting to improve may seem counterintuitive, however, I would soon find out that fatigue and exhaustion can cause learning and improvement in a particular task to come to a halt. This allowed me to take a break from worrying and improving in other areas, while also trying to learn from time to time and asking for help, as I needed it more than anyone before.

3 thoughts on “Outline and Opening – Adan G.”

  1. HUH? Adan — you are a Chinese daughter? REALLY? PLEASE PROOF READ YOUR HW!

    I will use the Mentor Quote prompt. I might also use Between Two Worlds.

    The Main Idea of my education narrative will be showing that I was always an obedient Chinese daughter and followed my father’s wishes to become a doctor until I dropped out of medical school.

  2. Adan

    Avoid long blocks of text! WORK on how to make paragraph breaks.  New Topic = New Par break. 

    Notice I make breaks for you and suggest places to ADD more CSD to flesh out your story.

    Opening for my essay:

     “Do not let one grade, determined by one person, who can make one mistake, determine how smart you think you are. You have come this far with other skills, that you can’t allow this one class to mess with your ability to do what you do best.”

    Only 7 minutes into talking and he [WHO?] said the one thing that changed the way I viewed school and myself. The only things that ever terrified me in school were books, and writing, never understood why it was difficult.

    Everything else didn’t matter to me [huh? unclear meaning] during the first few years in this country. I knew math and science was the same here and in Mexico, but the one thing different was English.

    [Good place to create a scene with dialogue to SHOW me the humiliation you felt in 6th grade. WHERE? — was this ELA class? WHAT was the reading assignment?] Reading at what seemed to be 3rd grade level in 6th grade was humiliating, although I knew what the book was saying I never got to uncover what was underneath.

    Other kids seemed to always say something completely unrelated to what the words were saying, [WHAT were they saying?]

    When I listened to the other students responding, I always thought to myself, “they are definitely making things up”.

    Then the teacher congratulated them, and I would always just read over and over again, until it was my turn, and I had to scroll to the next page and find which “The” [huh? Unclear meaning] the teacher was talking about.

    The same thing was the next year until I somehow graduated, of course it was only because the system allows me to move up even if my understanding is not up to the other student’s standards.

     

    NOW that I have showed you, you do the same and fix par breaks…

     

    Then high school started, and I was determined to catch up to all the students in the class. The beginning was easy as most assignments didn’t require more than just surface reading and seeing if we could read at all, then I noticed I wasn’t really behind the students with regards to reading, I was behind in writing. I never really thought of how I was writing since most of the time I was being told to write what I could since I was a ELS (English Learner Student). I thought the most important thing was understanding what I was reading and forgot I had to show them that I was understanding what I was reading, sadly the only way accepted by the system was by writing. Now I was in the same situation but a different predicament. In the eyes of the school, I’m still not up to student standards, only this time I do understand what I’m reading, just not how to fully articulate a 5-paragraph essay stating that I do. Also, in high school I would not have the same privileges I had in middle school, now I’m held to the same writing grading system as everyone else, and the stress to stay afloat began. This struggle only lasted freshmen year, as I would meet who helped me overcome this barrier in sophomore year. Spending less time on something you’re not good at and expecting to improve may seem counterintuitive, however, I would soon find out that fatigue and exhaustion can cause learning and improvement in a particular task to come to a halt. This allowed me to take a break from worrying and improving in other areas, while also trying to learn from time to time and asking for help, as I needed it more than anyone before.

     

  3. Event 1. Received low marks on every essay I ever wrote for the entirety of middle school and beginning of high school. [This is NOT an event.]
    Event 2. Mr. K noticed I was able to finish any of his assignments within minutes along with any other class I had. [IS THIS AN EVENT?]
    Event 3. The talk with Mr. K Had a 30-minute talk after school with him where he helped me understand that I didn’t matter how much time I was spending on becoming better if I wasn’t doing it the right way. [OK THIS IS AN EVENT. THE TALK WITH MR. K]
    Conclusion: I graduated with high marks on anything dealing with numbers and decent grades on anything that involved writing but higher than I would’ve got on my own, while also enjoying the short time I had left in high school. [WHAT will be your conclusing last event for your story? Getting the final report card?]

    Overall message needs to be more clear: Overall Message: My two and a half years of normal/in person high school were more enjoyable, and I discovered the way I can succeed in the things I consider more important while also not leaving things other things behind completely. Not only am I speaking about writing related classes or math related classes, but choosing the things I know are more important to me, and not letting other things get in the way.

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