- My writing prompt will be between two worlds and saved.
2. The main idea of my essay is to show how I have chosen my own path in life and how I can move forward with the help of others.
3. Outline
Introduction : My education life in Mexico and how I decided to come to the USA to study.
Body 1: My high school experience & questbridge
Body 2: My experience in Caltech visit
Body 3: My experience in Caltech & how I decided to leave
Ending: Recap of my path educating and how I decided I have to move forward
Then TWO paragraphs of your opening for the essay.
4. Intro paragraphs
“You both will take this test in 20 minutes and whoever scores the highest will be the chosen one to carry the flag this Monday” That was the first time I was encouraged to compete for something. In school back in Mexico we have flag ceremonies every Monday, and every week it was a different grade. It is an honor to carry our Mexican flag because it represents that you are the smartest among one’s classmates. I never carried before, but someone in my family did every single time and that was my older sister. But this time for the first time ever I was set to compete for it. I had the highest grade in 5th grade but I was not the only one. My best friend also had the same midterm score, and we were set to compete against each other for the flag. Now that I see it I was something so dumb. We were set to do divisions, specifically 5 of them. We were sitting in front of each other but far apart, the room was already divided into two sections, one near the window close to the patio with more lightning. This was the section in which I was seated and my best friend was seated on the other side near the backyard of the school in the more dark section. There were about 5 people sitting behind me and 10 behind my best friend. We started with the test and after 20 mins were up the teacher started grading and proceeded to announce the results. Everyone in the classroom was in silence, and the teacher showed our tests. “Evelyn, 1 out of 5” she paused. “Betty, 0 out of 5”. Everyone kept silent, and small crying began in the background. I was the winner but no one but my teacher seemed satisfied. I was the winner but I had just lost my best friend. The only girl who I played with every weekend at her house. The girl whose mom always cooked and cared for me. Compared to me everyone seemed trying to cheer her up, her friends. I was always the quiet kid in the room, I had one friend and that was enough for me but not for her. After that day, every day her friends started calling me a traitor and a loser and my “best friend” no longer talked to me. I was once a winner who lost her friend, but how would have known that was just the beginning of the pain that winning comes with.
By the time of our school graduation in 6th grade I was lonely, I had no friend to take pictures with. I applied for the secondary school my older sister went to, they had two turns morning and afternoon. Morning school was the “smart kids” and the afternoon was the “rogue kids” . To be part of either we had to take a test. A 6 hours timed test with multiple subjects including Mathematics, Spanish Literature, English, Environmental science, Ethics, Chemistry, etc. The test was from 6:00AM to 12:00PM with no breaks. Having to spend hours there with no food since early in the morning could be draining and many people gave up hours before, but I did not. After finishing the test I went back home to cry to my sister thinking I did horrible. However, I was accepted into the morning class. Many times I thought it was just luck but if there was luck involved maybe my older brother could have passed. Secondary school was like living in hell, I was bullied until the point I would skip lunch to hide in the bathroom. I had not a single picture of secondary school, not even a graduation picture. It was true that many smart people were in the morning school but there were also many people whose parents were extremely wealthy. Those were the ones who enjoyed bullying others and unfortunately I was one of their targets.
I am so sorry that this happened to you, no one should ever have to go through that. I also understand what you went through because I went through the same thing throughout my entire school year. It is really messed up how people with a higher social status think it is okay to bring other people down. You did not deserve that. I am also really interested in the type of school you went to, that had you take, and I quote,” A 6-hour timed test with multiple subjects including Mathematics, Spanish Literature, English, Environmental science, Ethics, Chemistry, etc.”. Was it like an advanced school or something else? I am quite sure that I did not take all those classes while I was in middle school. You taking them all, on the other hand, is very impressive and you deserved to get that morning class spot. I look forward to reading more about what Caltech is, your experiences in Caltech, and what steps led you to move forward with your education.
I’ve had experiences similar to yours growing up, having no friends, etc. But I never really heard of that kind of test, quite frankly. But It’s unfair how people bring you down depending on your social status. It’s also very common., But I find it interesting that you had to sit in a room for a 6-hour test. That’s very mentally draining, in my opinion. I couldn’t have stayed in that room; I would’ve opted out. I like how you mimicked your feelings in your two introductory paragraphs. It almost feels like I’m experiencing it. I want to read more into your story, quite honestly. Another thing I would like to point out is your imagery as well. I feel like I have a perfect vision of the room you are in and that I’m viewing you from a third-person perspective.
good thoughtful peer comments from Raul and Ilham!
Evelyn – very good opening! Good CSD. Excellent scene descriptions.
HW 4 – Work on paragraph breaks. Avoid long blocks of text that put your reader off.
· New topic = New par.
· New speaker in a dialogue = New Par.
“You both will take this test in 20 minutes and whoever scores the highest will be the chosen one to carry the flag this Monday!”
That was the first time I was encouraged to compete for something. In school back in Mexico we have flag ceremonies every Monday, and every week it was a different grade. It is an honor to carry our Mexican flag because it represents that you are the smartest among one’s classmates. I never carried before, but someone in my family did every single time and that was my older sister. But this time for the first time ever I was set to compete for it.
I had the highest grade in 5th grade but I was not the only one. My best friend [name] also had the same midterm score, and we were set to compete against each other for the flag. Now that I see it I was something so dumb. We were set to do divisions, specifically 5 of them. We were sitting in front of each other but far apart, the room was already divided into two sections, one near the window close to the patio with more lightning. This was the section in which I was seated and my best friend was seated on the other side near the backyard of the school in the more dark section. There were about 5 people sitting behind me and 10 behind my best friend.
We started with the test and after 20 mins were up the teacher started grading and proceeded to announce the results. Everyone in the classroom was in silence, and the teacher showed our tests.
“Evelyn, 1 out of 5” she paused.
Then, she added,“Betty, 0 out of 5”.
Everyone kept silent, and small crying began in the background.
I was the winner but no one but my teacher seemed satisfied. I was the winner but I had just lost my best friend. The only girl who I played with every weekend at her house. The girl whose mom always cooked and cared for me. Compared to me everyone seemed trying to cheer her up, her friends. I was always the quiet kid in the room, I had one friend and that was enough for me but not for her. After that day, every day her friends started calling me a traitor and a loser and my “best friend” no longer talked to me. I was once a winner who lost her friend, but how would have known that was just the beginning of the pain that winning comes with. [comes with winning]
By the time of our school graduation in 6th grade I was lonely, I had no friend to take pictures with.
I applied for the secondary school my older sister went to, they had two turns morning and afternoon. Morning school was the “smart kids” and the afternoon was the “rogue kids” . To be part of either we had to take a test. A 6 hours timed test with multiple subjects including Mathematics, Spanish Literature, English, Environmental science, Ethics, Chemistry, etc. The test was from 6:00AM to 12:00PM with no breaks. Having to spend hours there with no food since early in the morning could be draining and many people gave up hours before, but I did not. After finishing the test I went back home to cry to my sister thinking I did horrible. However, I was accepted into the morning class. Many times I thought it was just luck but if there was luck involved maybe my older brother could have passed.
Secondary school was like living in hell, I was bullied until the point I would skip lunch to hide in the bathroom. I had not a single picture of secondary school, not even a graduation picture. It was true that many smart people were in the morning school but there were also many people whose parents were extremely wealthy. Those were the ones who enjoyed bullying others and unfortunately I was one of their targets.