A difficult moment in the educational journeys was when I had to go to community college to complete high school and attain my diploma. I was nervous to go to school again and was worried that it would be very difficult, especially since it was college level courses. What saved me was that the cohort I was in was filled with students in the same boat as me. The cohort was small, and I was able to make many friends throughout the semesters.
Being in this small cohort of students who all had the same goal in mind really helped me stay focused and on track, it allowed me to make friends and gain a new enjoyment for school. Also, my academic coach in the program was very helpful in making sure I had turned in all my assignments for all my classes and assisted me in laying out my graduation plan. I learned a lot about how to function and be successful in college since it was also a college preparation program. It really helped me gain an understanding of what professors expected from me in college. I was also able to gain some skills in writing college level essays.
Balthazar: I can see that you can write well.
But you need to develop this a lot more fully. Can you notice that you are just telling me? Instead you need to SHOW me with CSD (concerte specific details0 and some well-chosen scenes from your memory. You need to liven up your writing and make your story interesting. Remember how Santiago jumps into the scene of first day at new school in America in her piece When I Was Puerto Rican. You could try that for your opening scene.
I will make some suggestions here:
A difficult moment in the educational journeys was when I had to go to community college to complete high school and attain my diploma. I was nervous to go to school again and was worried that it would be very difficult, especially since it was college level courses. [You mention completing high school, so had you dropped out of high school? Explain a little of this background, so we can sympathize with your nervousness at being in a college environment. THEN—Is this a possible place to insert a scene. Could you open with a scene. HOW old were you? WHAT was that first day like? WHAT comm college were you attending? SHOW me your nervousness and worries. WHAT worries were going through your mind?] What saved me was that the cohort I was in was filled with students in the same boat as me. The cohort was small, and I was able to make many friends throughout the semesters.
Describe this cohort. WHAT was the name of this program? HOW were you chosen? WHAT were the other students like? WHO were your friends? Any friend that stands out? WHAT activities did you do in this group?
Being in this small cohort of students who all had the same goal in mind really helped me stay focused and on track, it allowed me to make friends and gain a new enjoyment for school. Also, my academic coach in the program was very helpful in making sure I had turned in all my assignments for all my classes and assisted me in laying out my graduation plan. I learned a lot about how to function and be successful in college since it was also a college preparation program. It really helped me gain an understanding of what professors expected from me in college. I was also able to gain some skills in writing college level essays. [Can you reach back into you memory of a best scene that shows you learning something important, or you gaining confidence, or a significant moment when it dawned on you that Yes you could do this! A convo with the coach? One really significant college orientation lesson?]