My Working Outline
- Intro: a glimpse of how I don’t pay attention in class and how I’m always late
- A scene of how I found out about the club I want to join
- The talk I had with my guidance counselor
- Scene of my parents having a talk with me
- Meeting Mr. Pipitone
- Showing how being put in this club had a great effect on my life
My family and I were sitting in the dining room while the macaroni and cheese pie was baking in the oven. The room had dimmed lights, which complimented our family pictures on the wall. The scent of the macaroni filled my nose, causing my stomach to grumble due to hunger. I was captivated by my phone scrolling through TikTok. My mother and father sat across from me with looks of concern on their faces.
“Brianna, we have to have a talk,” my mother said firmly. I knew it was serious because she never called me Brianna unless I was in trouble. It would usually be Bri.
I looked up slowly, scared of what I had done. A million thoughts ran through my mind trying to figure out why she wanted to have a talk.
“Did I do something?” I said it with a look of confusion plastered on my face.
My father joined in on the conversation and replied, “The school has called us too many times; you have to do better!” I can tell he was upset because his Jamaican accent slipped out.
“I’m sorry, I’m just tired, honestly.” I said it softly.
“Tired from doing what? Don’t play with me.” My mother said
I started to feel my eyes water. In situations like this, I can get emotional because I don’t know what to say. I also hate it when someone yells at me.
“I don’t know what’s gotten over me. I promise I will try to do better.” I replied, reassuring them.
“Make sure! If I get another phone call from the school, watch me and you.” My father said with some bass in his voice.
“Watch me and you” is a Jamaican term that means if you don’t listen, you’re going to face consequences from the person who said it to you.
That talk influenced me to do better, but there were still some things I could improve on.
Hi Bri, I like your description of sitting at the dining room table while waiting for dinner, it makes me feel like I’m actually at the dining room maybe you could describe how you felt during the conservation you had with parents.
I love how you provided scenes for the reader to be able to picture it , it made it more enjoying being able to actually picture everything that’s going on as if i’m there. I would say to maybe just elaborate a little bit more on how that talked changed you , what the process was like and what it lead to.
I like the amount of detail in the first scene; the descriptiveness helps me imagine what that would be like. A million thoughts racing through your head is an overwhelming feeling that I’m sure most people can relate to.
GOOD intro scene!
Possible title: Watch me! (Can you add a Jamaican twist to this and show how it would sound coming from a Jamaican voice?)
Consider: ADD a short paragraph on your Jamaican upbringing and “how Jamaican parents are” ? Just a short part? — short so not to detract from the main narrative which is how you discovered the photography club.