Working Outline:
I. Intro- Talk about my struggle in school
II. When I first truly struggled in school
III. A conversation with my mom
IV. Realization
V. I succeeded
I was in elementary school, and I did good in school. I got up to the highest reading level, always passed all my tests and completed every assignment. It was only until I went to middle school where I noticed that I wished I had someone at home to help me since my brother was too good at school. I couldn’t ask no one for help when I needed it on my homework or projects, so it was up to me to figure it out. I didn’t have someone at home that would be able to help me in school. I learned English at school and never at home because my mom didn’t know English and my brother was only a year older than me, so we were very close in age.
I remember the first time I really struggled in school. It was one week into 6th grade and my math teacher, Ms. Alfred, had given a whole project for us to do individually. She explained it to us, but she gave us very little time and I was still confused on how to do it because she just taught us the topic. I was walking home talking with my friend how we were going to complete it because we were confused.
So, after school I would spend hours trying to complete the assignments and make sure it had everything she wants. My mom would come and say “ya mismo terminas” and I would say “es que no se como hacerlo pero ahi lo voy a resolucionar”. I never asked for her help because I knew she didn’t know as she didn’t finish her education back in Ecuador.
As time went on, I realized for every homework or anything school related I didn’t understand I would have to figured it out by myself. Even for the whole college process and researching it was only me and because of this I learned how to be independent and to teach my self how to do things.
All the things I did, helped me never fail in school. Now for college, I will continue to do the same and figure out new ways on how to teach myself to be able to progress.
Hi Sindy, I feel the potential to this narrative. It’s hard to figure out life alone. Even though you have support from your family and friends, trying to explain your situation is hard and its even harder finding solutions that fit your you. You can use the outline you have and expand more per each section. This will enhance the message of your educational narrative. Hope this helps.
I feel like you have a good outline and an interesting topic that other students may be able to relate to. The outline is well structured I would say try to show good visualizations or dialogue to really try and connect with other people who may relate to this.
What will your focus be? Is this story focused on being a first gen college student and feeling alone on your educational journey and not having support from family?
Show me your process for figuring out things by yourself. How did you figure out 5th grade maths all by yourself? This is a very hard mountain to climb all by yourself – How did you do it? SHOW ME the steps you took. Did you decide to go to afterschool hours? Did you stay at lunch time in the math room? Give more Concrete Specific Details and SHOW me a scene of you staying in MR. X’s math room after school? Of you doing problems with the other kids there – OR of you working with Mr. X on trig problems. IDK – but you do, so SHOW me and CREATE THEATRE OF THE MIND.
Did you have any teacher who became your mentor in this difficult time?
Pay attention to:
1. Grammar
2. Paragraph Breaks – Avoid long blocks of text!
3. Timeline
4. Choose a few places that would make good scenes
5. Include some places where Dialogue creates Theatre of the Mind.
6. THINK THE 5W’s.
7. THINK CSD concrete specific details. You need to work on writing with more description.
Working Outline – NEEDS MORE SPECIFIC DETAILS
I. Intro- Talk about my struggle in school
II. When I first truly struggled in school
III. A conversation with my mom
IV. Realization
V. I succeeded
I was in elementary school, and I did good [WELL not good] in school. I got up to the highest reading level, always passed all my tests and completed every assignment. It was only until I went to middle school where I noticed that I wished I had someone at home to help me since my brother was too good [also a good student] at school. I couldn’t ask no one [anyone] for help when I needed it on my homework or projects, so it was up to me to figure it out. I didn’t have someone at home that would be able to help me in school. I learned English at school and never at home because my mom didn’t know English and my brother was only a year older than me, so we were very close in age.
I remember the first time I really struggled in school. It was one week into 6th grade and my math teacher, Ms. Alfred, had given a whole project for us to do individually. She explained it to us, but she gave us very little time and I was still confused on how to do it because she just taught us the topic. [SO, SHOW ME Ms. Alfred explaining it and then announcing it is due in a week! SHOW me the expression on the students’ face. SHOW me what your inner thoughts.].
[TIMELINE – Later that day –] I was walking home talking with my friend [WHO?] how we were going to complete it because we were confused. [Now SHOW me what you were saying to NAME-friend]
So, after school I would spend hours trying to complete the assignments and make sure it had everything she wants. [WHERE did you study? Kitchen? Bedroom? CSD- Concrete Specific Details needed].
My mom would come and say[, COMMA CAPITAL — Ya–] “ya mismo terminas” and
I would say [NEED PROPER FORMAT FOR QUOTES] “es que no se como hacerlo pero ahi lo voy a resolucionar”. I never asked for her help because I knew [it was no use. My mom had not been able to – delete words here –] finish her education back in Ecuador.
As time went on, I realized for every homework or anything school related I didn’t understand I would have to figured it out by myself. {SHOW me this process that you have worked out. SHOW me the steps you took to learn math that time in Ms. Alfred’s sixth grade math class.]
Even for the whole college process and researching it was only me and because of this I learned how to be independent and to teach my self how to do things.
All the things I did [WHAT things?], helped me never fail in school. Now for college, I will continue to do the same and figure out new ways [WHAT ways have worked for you?] on how to teach myself to be able to progress.