Writing Task Saved- Jeremiah Owusu

2 thoughts on “Writing Task Saved- Jeremiah Owusu”

1. JEREMIAH – you have some good material here. Now move things around and start with a more interesting part. Remember how Obama jumps right in and gives us the scene and dialogue between himself and Ray in the cafeteria? See how he hooks the reader in at the beginning? Now you try to make a scene to hook your reader!

   1.    You need to start with a dramatic scene of your other getting these calls from your teachers.

   2.    TIMELINE needs to be clear.

   3.    GET TO THE TUTORS – ASAP!

   START WITH THIS: 

   In 2021 [in my senior? junior year? TIMELINE] hearing the words “He failed!” changed my life and my educational career forever.

   THEN:

   CREATE A SCENE of your mom’s phone “literally getting phone call after phone call” – TURN all this part into a SCENE with details description and DRAMA! This could be a great scene — Create Theatre of the Mind for your reader!

   ·     So when I heard that about four times in the span of 30 minutes from my mothers phone,

   ·     My household was literally getting phone call after phone call, yet my mother was the one speaking to the teachers on the phone, so she would transfer the message. I used to think she was lying that the teachers didn’t say I failed because you know mothers tend to drag things at times. Then a voicemail was let in her mailbox it was about me, that teacher called when my mother was on the phone with another one of my teachers he said in the voicemail “unfortunately due to the insufficient amount of work Jeremiah has done he cannot pass this marking period”.

   ·     It got a to a point where my mother was afraid to pick up unknown numbers phone calls because we all felt it was some news about me not doing well. Of course I will pick myself up when I get the calls, I would see myself working hard then when I get too comfortable again I would see myself in the hole that I was trying to avoid. Then the Marking period was coming to an end,

   ·     My mother looked at me with so much disappointment standing in our kitchen by our dining table. I felt so much sadness, disappointment and worry within me, my mother had no words anymore her eyes said it all to me.

   ·     I felt disgraced and upset at myself that I not only disgraced myself , I disgraced my parents as well.

   [Make TIMELINE clear — did you back up here to an ealier point?] [If I could only turn back the clock, I remember that —]I was doing very well in the school year of 2020 [junior sophomore year?], I was an honor student and my family was very proud because I haven’t done that well in school in so long. I got very comfortable with myself and felt I could do it all so next semester came I took on an extra classes. When the semester started I already felt overwhelmed I had just entered 10th grade by this time [SO CLARIFY you started doing well but the next semester you did poorly? WAS THIS THE PANDEMIC — TIMELINE? CLARIFY Is this why you “felt overwhelmed?’]. So I have started to stop doing hw’s, projects, joining class zoom’s basically anything pertaining to my success in school. I would just be laying in the comfort of my bunkbed on the lower level just sleeping. Maybe I would even join the class and just go straight to sleep.

   So it looked as if I wasn’t serious yet deep down in my heart I knew my worth and capabilities and knew I could have done better then this, I was just way too lazy and comfortable. It got to a point where my household was getting calls from various teachers Living Environment, Physiology, Global History, Health , You name it.

   Moved around and find another place or delete:

   Growing up in school I was sometimes one of the top students sometimes I wasn’t, however, what I never made sure I did was fail a class. I made it an abomination to allow myself to fail a class, especially when the class wasn’t intense.

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2. Time Loop

   “He failed!”

   Hearing that in 2021 changed my life and my educational career forever. 

   Around 3:30 pm on a breezy Tues evening my mother got a call from Ms. Shoup, my psychology teacher. My mother got in my face and I saw anger and worry in her expression. She motioned to me to listen, but I couldn’t hear much.

   The conversation lasted 5 minutes. And right afterwards my mother looked at me with frustration and said, “Why are you stressing everyone out like this?

   I was silent, mute, and still. 

   She said calmly, “Leave my face.”

   So I left and went to my room. My mind was blank. I felt like giving up. 

   This was my sophomore year at Bronx Health Sciences high school. It had gotten to the point when my mother ws afraid to pick up unknown numbers phone calls bc my whole family knew it was bad news about me. I was not doing well in school again. My household was getting call from various ….My parents would suck …. Gazing ….

   The marking period was coming to an end…My household … My mother ws the one…She would relay what the teacher said, “Your Global teacher says you are failing.” I sued to think she was lying…

   Then a voicemail was left….It was about me. Mr. P my Alge ra teacher’s message was: “Unfortuantely…

   My Algebra teacher Mr. P

    

    

   The Turn Around

   ·        CSD the new Jermiah – what did you do differently now

   ·        Mr. P’s praise

   ·         

   An overall message the big message

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