Writing Task Saved-Angel S.

1 thought on “Writing Task Saved-Angel S.”

1. ANGEL: You skipped HW 5 (Outline for your chosen Unit One Assignment writing choice and two paragraphs of a scene). However, you have a lot of good material here, so I put my comments here.

   WHAT saved you? How is this a response to the Saved Writing Task? Did the quest to achieve an Advanced NYC Regents Diploma save you? Make the focus in your mind clear as you write this story.

   Pay attention to:

   1.    Paragraph Breaks – Avoid long blocks of text!

   2.   Timeline

   3.   Choose a few places that would make good scenes

   4.   Include some places where Dialogue creates Theatre of the Mind.

   5.   THINK THE 5W’s. 

   6.   THINK CSD concrete specific details.

   7.   There are many Sentence Errors – CS, RO, FRAG – Do the worksheet/handout. Look at Grammar/Writing Skills page on our Open Lab site.

    

    

   POSSIBLE TITLE: Watch me do it!

    

   It was a really hot morning around the ending of July in 2022. I was sitting inside near the main entrance of my high school where there was barely any fans past the big metal detector machine. It was hot and everyone there especially the security guards was sweating. It made everyone more stressful.

   I was working with a program called “Summer Youth” and it allowed me to work in my school [as WHAT? Were you a counselor for young kids? Details opn the job?] and get some cash. I’m sitting in a comfortable chair chilling [WHERE?] with my group of friends [also working as counselors?] and we started talking about our academics.

   [CREATE A FULL SCENE WITH DIALOGUE here –] Once we get more into detail my friend [WHO?] about all of us going into our senior year we talked about the stuff we wanted to accomplished. [MOVE to keep convo part together] Everyone in there was talking about what they wanted to accomplish in our last year. [WHAT were some of these desires? GIVE THE DIALOGUE] Someone and mentioned about the advance diploma. [WHO? WHAT did he/she say?]

   I never really put much mind to this advanced diploma, neither did I care until that day one person [WHO?] started elaborating on what it meant. [EXPLAIN WHY? Why was your interest piqued? If you were a lazy student, then why were you interested in this extra work required? Was it your ego? EXPLAIN!]

   I spoke out and said “I should go for the advance diploma too. Sounds simple enough” [USE PROPER FORMAT FOR QUOTES]

   Jaden and some of the others chuckled as I was finishing that sentence. They would say things like “You know you gotta be more on the intelligent side to be thinking about even having that goal in mind”.

   I then replied “ Ok it doesn’t matter. Watch me do it.”

    

   A little background about me: [use colon here] I’m usually that student that would ask other people for their homework so I would copy of them or paraphrase them. Or I would do them very last moment since it gave me more motivation to finish it faster. It was never because of my lack of intelligence but rather lack of commitment And laziness I had towards school. [CSD other bad habits?] Of course it was my fault I made this impression towards other people. But I’ve proven my point many times to be taken seriously when I wanted something.

   Finally senior year started. I’ve dedicated myself on gathering information towards on how to achieve this goal I now had for this school year. And then make a plan. It took me a long time to even make a plan when I started getting distracted with other things likes hobbies or my own school work.

    

   On October is when I actually took the first real step on trying to gather information about it [WHAT? – restate advanced diploma]. I went to my guidance counselor and set up a meeting with her. What I didn’t know what that to achieve this academic award, I’ve had to put some extra classes and take extra regents. [CSD – give CONCRETE SPECIFIC DETAILS about the advanced diploma] I instantly felt like I was gonna regret that. But I went along anyways.

    

   Around March came up and I was in a horrible position. I was mentally stressed and gave up and started slacking a lot on my classes [CSD on “horrible position” Don’t just tell me SHOW ME – WHAT classes? WHA were your grades at first quarter? DETAILS!]. Which lead to even more doubt I was able to pull it off. Since my progress was really slow since all those months [This sentence is a FRAGMENT – watch for other sentence errors!].

   I’ve invested so much time in the gym and my online content into helping other people’s mental health it started to bring down mines and my academics.  [This sentence leads to another topic – does it belong here?]

    

   One day I sat down in my high school’s cafeteria where its seniors turn for lunch but no one would show up since everyone had the opportunity to go home. [Describe the vibe of that empty cafeteria. Was it a good place to think?]  

    

   [This part should be you SHOWING me the process of transforming yourself from lazy to on-track to get that advanced diploma. Details of your step-by-step process.]

    

   That day specifically I made a plan. One thing was to make it, but another thing was to stick to it which was harder. [I] Spent that whole day trying to make a schedule for myself [WHAT was your schedule? CSD needed! Did you do all of this by yourself – Did you have a teacher who believed in you? Any mentor figure?]. Everyday at 5-8 pm I made sure I grabbed my laptop, did all my work, and started studying ways  on how to make better progress faster.  [DETAIL – WHAT ways? Did you stay after school in Mr. X’s classroom? Did you make new friends who were better students and also on track for the advanced diploma? Notice you are doing a lot of telling and breezing along quickly – instead, SHOW ME with CSD!]

    

   2 [SPELL OUT numbers under ten] months in around may {CAPITALIZE THE MONTH – I had to read this twice to understand!] right before my senior trip [FRAGMENT]. I’ve made a lot of progress. [WHAT was the progress? Were you passing one of the advanced regents classes? What classes? Need CSD please!] More progress in those 2 months than October to March with no plan or dedication. I was only missing just a little bit [missing WHAT?]. I decided to relax in my senior trip which was just 3 days came back. And June cam along. I shocked my advisors and counselor who was tracking my progress and showed them how much I changed.  [Is this a scene SHOW the shock on your advisor’s face? – don’t just tell me – SHOW ME. One Friday in June I walked into my guidance counselor Mr. X’s office…MORE]

    

   This journey didn’t just take me to achieve something I just simply wanted. Wasn’t to prove that person that said I couldn’t [FRAG]. This journey taught me something different and I knew it [WHAT different things have you learned?]. But didn’t know what exactly [Neither do I because as a writer, you are being vague]. Graduation came up in June 24th, as my principal announced my name and spoke about my efforts on achievement this unique and different diploma. I then presented my speech {WOW you gave a graduation speech — Were you a valadictorian? CLARIFY]. And it was until that moment exactly I realized what was it that I learned [WHAT is the overall message here? WHAT is the big thing you have learned from transforming yourself from lazy-slacker-student into an Advanced Diploma NYC High School graduate?]

    

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