“Ike, as a black man in this world you have to work hard, harder than most. I know you can do it, all you have to do is put the work in.”
This quote comes from my highschool guidance counselor Ms. Campbell. I was 17, a highschool senior, sitting in a very familiar place. The smell of freshly printed schedules and whiteout filled the air as I waited for Ms Campbell to enter the room. I could hear heels clicking on the floor and the noise only grew louder. I hear someone call my name “ IKE!” I turned around but, before I could even respond I was smacked with a question “Why are you always here?!”. She proceeded to do what all counselors do, she pulled up my grades and made threats about calling my house. She quickly realized that wasn’t the way to truly get to me and made a 30 min appointment into an hour appointment. I was known amongst the teachers as a bright kid with a brighter future. However I was a constant procrastinator, and found myself in her office often having discussions about my credit count. Believe it or not at the beginning of my senior year everything had caught back up to me. I was missing credits from previous years because of my lackluster attempt at being a student athlete. I had the utmost respect for Ms. Campbell and as a result of me consistently being in her office, I knew she had not said this as a counselor but as someone who actually cared. It had seemed that I had become something like a son to her, and to me I viewed her as a second mother. After that I decided to take my academic journey seriously. At first the goal was not college but, she made me apply anyway and it is a choice that I don’t regret.
“ Ike im disappointed in you.”
These words were said to me by my psychology teacher, Ms Rauh. Coming into senior year after being separated from everything really took a toll on me as a student. I’m now in a classroom, air filled with the smell of nauseating hand sanitizer. The whole room was quiet except for the sound of the air purifier which seemed to be a new staple in every room of the school. On the board is the task in which we were being asked and as I looked around the room I was met with glaring eyes staring back. 45 mins went by and as I looked down at my paper I was surprised to see that the heading I had written in the beginning of class was there, underneath it were the answer to the task should have been was blank. Nothing I could do now. I followed the group of scurrying kids to the front and dropped off my work in the bin. It wasn’t until later that day that Ms. Rauh had seen me and gave me feedback on my work. The words she said to me stuck with me because this was a teacher who I respected and I felt like I had failed her as her student. Since that interaction I always attempted to do better in that class.
Wow — this is good stuff! You write well and I can see you are using description and you have lots of good details. Like high school previous teachers, I also believe in you, Ike!
You say “the room” — Were you in her office waiting for her? Why did you go there, if she didn’t call you in? I assume she HAD called you, but how was that question/comment said? What was her tone? Her meaning? What did you say back to her? Can you ADD more — Can you make this more of a DIALOGUE? How were you feeling? I think of the word sheepish: were you feeling sheepish — would that be correct?
When I got to this part: “Why are you always here?!”. (one punctuation mark only and put the quote as last) I started to laugh. Somehow your description and her words amused me!
You say you had respect for Ms. Campbell. Why? I like this part: I knew she had not said this as a counselor but as someone who actually cared. It had seemed that I had become something like a son to her, and to me I viewed her as a second mother.
BUT THEN, you jump to: After that I decided to take my academic journey seriously. OK SO — what steps strategies did you use? REmember Douglass and the strategies he used to overcome hardship. How did you become more serious student? Show some of the struggles you overcame. Were you failing any class? In danger of not having enough credits to graduate? How did you improve yourself?
You then jump to: At first the goal was not college but, she made me apply anyway and it is a choice that I don’t regret. THIS COULD BE A PART OF THE STORY. What was that process of applying to college? What was your non-college perspective at the beginning? IF you didn’t think college was for you, why was that? Why did you apply anyway? Did you have a change in your perception of yourself? In your goals?
IN the second part, you did a great job describing building up the scene to that moment of turning in your blank quiz sheet. As your reader, I feel for you!
TIMELINE clarity needed. You: Coming into senior year after being separated from everything really took a toll on me as a student. SO — Can you indicate a timeline here? Are you referring to having spent your junior year (?) on zoom high school classes? Does this second part start just as students return to in[person. Does the pandemic have some importance in your narrative?
Was Ms. R another important teacher for you? What was your relationship with her — why did you respect her. What was your performance in her class? How did you turn that around?
How do these two scenes, these two teacher scenes fit together in one narrative thread. How are they connected? AND THEN — What is the main thread or major theme here? If you choose to develop this to the larger Unit One essay, you need to think about that.
If you choose to develop this for your Unit One Assignment, you also need paragraph breaks. Remember: New Topic = New paragraph.
Altogether good work!